Tucker Carlson mourns the loss of the woke, sexy, and erotic M&M’s spokescandies he loved so dearly

Tucker Carlson, the menace with a mouth, has declared victory over Mars, Inc after they backed down on their famous M&M’s spokescandies. Because this is definitely an important subject worth him frothing at the mouth over.

Carlson who is most notable for turning fake outrage into fame took extreme issue with the green, CGI M&M mascot losing her apparent sexiness and started a crusade against Mars for bowing down to wokeness. Or something. This is incredibly hard to take seriously. The Fox News pundit is now celebrating the end of the “woke” candy, after the announcement, the CGI chocolates would be hanging up their boots with Maya Rudolph to replace them.

In his latest address to his audience of octogenarians, he barely conceals the levels of sexual frustration she has for the M&M’s cast and blamed Mars for turning their product political… by making their mascots change shoes and introduce a different colored talking M&M. Makes perfect sense.

“Mars set out to make their M&Ms characters as unattractive as possible, because when you’re intentionally repulsive in theory you’ve got the right politics. So the green M&M lost her sexy boots, the brown M&M her stiletto heels, […] then Mars set out to make “frumpy lesbian M&Ms”.

Carlson ends his nursing home call for help monologue by pretending there are people who want candy to be political, and somehow this proves a win for him. There is no straight-faced way to summarize this. Carlson, who began all of this by becoming enraged over an M&M losing its apparent sex appeal and turning it into a bastion of the culture wars, is now blaming other people for politicizing candy. Go figure.

We can only assume saved onto Carlson’s hard drive is a series of adult cartoons of the M&Ms before those dastardly woke corporation types took it away from him.