While we wait for Lady Gaga to write her rat musical, NYC finally figures out how to vanquish its voracious vermin

New York City and its endless collection of rats have gone together like bagels and lox for longer than any of us would care to admit. While crowds bustle and Broadway marquees flash, the city’s furriest freeloaders engage in their daily escapades everywhere from underground nests to the back alleys of Michelin-starred eateries.

Indeed, these rodents have become so ingrained in the fabric of New York life that they almost seem like tiny, furry humans themselves. They navigate the city’s streets with the same hustle and bustle as any other New Yorker, darting in and out of subway cars and digging through trash cans in search of their next meal. If you’ve ever had to rummage through someone else’s leftovers just to find dinner, congratulations – you’re practically an honorary rat citizen.

And if you think that’s human, get this: rats apparently groove to beats just like us! A 2022 study found that rats respond to infectious beats in much the same way that humans do. Their tiny heads bob in perfect synchronization with the pulsating rhythms of Lady Gaga‘s “Born This Way.” This head-bobbing becomes less coordinated as the tempo increases beyond 120-140 beats per minute, suggesting that Gaga’s song is the one they love the most.

Evidently, they are destined to be Gaga’s most devoted fans – her very own army of “Little Ratsters,” if you will. Given this appreciation for her music, Lady Gaga should have been positively chomping at the bit to capitalize on her fanbase by penning the rat musical we all want ⏤ nay, need. New York has never lacked for attractions, but it’s this last one that might be the most… authentic? Sadly, Gaga may never get to see Remy, Jerry, Rizzo, and Master Splinter through the stage during her showmanship of rodent razzle-dazzle. Why? Because these furry citizens are facing a new threat: the “rat tsar.”

In 2022, New York appointed Kathleen Corradi as its official rat tsar, tasking her with taking down what the authorities have dubbed “public enemy No. 1.” Since then, the tensions between humans and rats have only escalated, reaching a fever pitch with the tragic demise of Flaco, the escaped Eurasian eagle-owl who died after ingesting rat poison. In response, the city council unanimously passed “Flaco’s Law,” a bill aimed at choking out the rat population through a more unconventional method: birth control. The city will soon begin placing special containers of ContraPest, a rodent contraceptive, throughout the Upper Manhattan district in hopes of curbing the rat population boom.

Michael H. Parsons, an expert rodentologist, argues in an interview with Curbed that the city needs to conduct “proper data-driven trials” of the contraceptives before rolling them out more widely, as it is “tricky” to determine if they’re actually impacting rat reproduction. Parsons points out that it only takes “a single pair of rats” to undermine the effectiveness of the contraceptives if those rats do not consume the bait. Rats are highly adaptable and may not universally prefer the bait, even if it is designed to be tasty for them.

Parsons’ warning should not be taken lightly, for the risks of this contraceptive campaign are grave, one that threatens to reignite the flames of a new American Civil War (unless Donald Trump steals the spotlight, as only he can). We shouldn’t underestimate the rebel army of rodents united in their quest for life, liberty, and the pursuit of half-eaten hot dogs. For even as the human forces stockpile their contraceptive weapons, the rats are surely plotting their own counterattack (there’s at least one rat with a master’s degree in guerrilla tactics). In the meantime, we can only hope that Lady Gaga takes notice of the plight of her rodent admirers. Her heartfelt ballads may not solve the problem, but it would certainly provide some much-needed levity in these trying times.