Good news, nerds: Recent reports point to the MCU finally moving forward with its X-Men adaptation. Can these uncanny heroes save the sputtering franchise from whatās felt like four years of post-Endgame senioritis? Maybe ā but only if Feige and company avoid the following comic book stories like theyāre Rogueās exposed forearm in a crowded elevator.
The Dark Phoenix saga
Itās so tantalizing, isnāt it, Hollywood? The beloved, undeniably cinematic story of a once-underpowered young woman granted abilities beyond the scope of manās ability to comprehend. Itās not just iconic, itās ubiquitous. It defined generations of X-Men stories. For years, it was the solid gold standard ā that elusive, multi-part epic traversing scales both galactic and deeply personal.Ā
And after two big screen adaptations with a combined estimated budget roughly equal to the GDP of Micronesia, Fox went 0 for 2 on Phoenix Saga adaptations. It may be that the idea is just too big for one movie, incorporating alien high courts and galactic battle arenas and supervillain fetish clubs and psychic Revolutionary War-era gaslighting and so on. But the promise of audience recognition is too delicious for studios to pass up, and the story seems to keep falling prey to the same gnawing āmaybe if we just changed one tiny thingā compromising attitude that slowly transformed John Constantine into a dark-haired American who quit smoking cigarettes.Ā
In short: Tackling Byrne and Claremontās Phoenix comics would mean either a three-movie lead-up full of obnoxious, winking hints at whatās coming down the pipe, or another crowded, pared-down, barely-recognizable version of events with the stink of studio heads saying āwhat if we just toned down the genocide?ā all over it. Now and forever, weāre not interested.
New X-Men
Itās not easy to admit. Itās not a secret that Grant Morrisonās New X-Men did as much to save the series as the beginning of the Fox movie franchise from around the same time. It is a remarkable reimagining of the franchise grounded in the disturbing and almost infinitely re-readable. It gave us characters like Quentin Quire and Beak and the Xavier Instituteās Remedial Class.Ā
Itās also ā and this word gets thrown around a lot by comic nerds ā unfilmable. It hinges on the horrible, beautiful, wrinkled, and pocked artwork of Frank Quitely, hammering home the fact that we are, all of us, body horror monstrosities, not just those of us born with paraffin wax for skin. It features a fight to the death between fetuses and a man with a nervous system thatās outside of his body. Beyond the weirdness, itās built on a foundation of stories that donāt translate without decades of setup ā an island of wild, naturally evolving Sentinels, and a boy who rebels against his school by invoking a fictional editorial from a comic from the ā60s. The whole thing is inside baseball, if the baseball had a double chin and had the power to puke acid.
Battle of the Atom
Thereās a lot to say about Battle of the Atom, and a lot of reasons why it shouldnāt be the basis for a new X-Men movie. In the end, though, it all boils down to one sentence: It was bad.
And itās a drag. Battle of the Atom came straight from the mid-MCU era when comics seemed specifically designed to inspire new movies. It was sandwiched between some of the better X-Men stories in recent memory, theoretically combining four middling-to-awesome titles into one blockbuster event. Brian Michael Bendisā love letter to 50 years of the franchise in All-New X-Men brought a confused group of year-one Xavier School students to meet their present selves. BotA pitted them ā alongside Cyclopsā splinter group from Bendisā other title, Uncanny X-Men ā against horrible future versions of themselves. It should have been all-killer stuff. It wound up muddled, largely consequence-free, and way too mired in its own continuity to make for a good time at the theater.
Ultimate X-Men
If you donāt know Ultimate X-Men, donāt look it up. Additionally, donāt look up what Wolverine caught Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver doing in the privacy of their own rainforest.
Readersā mileage varied wildly when it came to Marvelās Ultimate universe. It gave us some of the best Spider-Man stories in years, even before introducing Miles Morales. It made the Fantastic Four weird and horny and eventually turned one of them into contemporary Marvelās only really great villain. Ultimate X-Men, meanwhile, just kind of stunk up the place and gave Wolverine an early-ā00s chin beard a la a ska band front man by way of Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
Published: Sep 29, 2023 03:26 pm