8 Superhero Origin Stories And Their Real World Implications

Superhero origin stories are ten-a-penny these days. They're Hollywood's bread and butter. And we're so used to seeing origin stories on-screen now (more than once, in the case of some characters - looking at you, Spider-Man), that it seems we've simply come to accept whatever origin myths they're peddling, no matter how illogical. Bitten by a spider, become a super-strong part human, part arachnid? Sure, makes perfect sense. Get exposed to high levels of radiation, become a giant green humanoid whenever you're pissed off? Why not. Lose parents and have phobia of bats, become a virtually invincible crime fighter? Of course. But what if we were to actually apply logic to some of these origin stories? What if some of these tales, when scrutinized, turned out to be - for lack of a better word - complete bullshit? Here are eight well-known cinematic superhero origin stories, and their much more dire real-world consequences. 8) Peter Parker/Spider-Man The origins story: High schooler Peter Parker is bitten by a radioactive, genetically modified spider. As his body takes on certain spider-like characteristics, including the ability to perform superhuman physical feats and shoot webs from his hands, Parker dons a costume and becomes Spider-Man, New York crime-fighter. What would really happen: The history of humans being bitten by toxic and/or irradiated creatures isn't a particularly glorious one. In the case of Peter Parker, rather than the teen developing superpowers as a result of a horrific bioligically-manipulated spider bite, the consequences would in actuality be likely much less fortuitous. And with no known cure (there is literally zero literature on how medical professionals are supposed to react in this situation), if Parker survived the week he'd have to consider himself lucky. 7) Tony Stark/Iron Man The origins story: According to Jon Favreau's Iron Man movie, brilliant/asshole arms baron Tony Stark first sets out on the path of becoming power-armored hero Iron Man when he's taken captive by rebels in the Afghan desert. In his prison cave, Stark builds a full-body mecha suit, which comes fully stocked with weaponry. Stark blasts his way out of captivity and onto freedom. Back home he perfects the suit to eventually become Iron Man. What would really happen: Let's, for the sake of argument, say Tony Stark would deep in an Afghan cave find the materials he needs to mock up a battling mech suit, and let's say he would manage to get it working within the narrow time frame he has - his first Iron Man suit is still not a very impressive machine, is it? To be blunt, it looks like what Ned Kelly was using to protect himself against Australian coppers back in the 19th century. One well-aimed RPG (providing Stark's captors stop laughing long enough to fire some shots off) and that hunk of scrap metal is in pieces. 6) Wolverine The origins story: Born James Howlett, but going by the name Logan (after the man that illegitimately fathered him), the mutant known more popularly as 'Wolverine' is born when the super-self-healing Logan has his skeleton coated in the near-indestructible adamantium. This turns Logan into a galvanized war machine complete with metal claws. What would really happen: Wolverine's strong, sure, but strong enough to lift hundreds of pounds of metal each and every time he shifts a muscle? In the X-Men movies, Colonal Stryker's adamantium-coating session appears to be no burden on Wolverine's body whatsoever, whereas in reality it'd basically ensure Logan is never able to move himself again. All Colonel Stryker's done is turn basic activities like taking a shower or using the bathroom into impossible tasks for this poor bastard. 5) Matt Murdock/Daredevil The origins story: By day, he's a hotshot lawyer, cleaning up the streets of Hell's Kitchen the legit way. But by night, Matt Murdock is the cunning, super-agile Daredevil, taking down NYC's goons on his own dime despite the fact that he's legally blind, having lost his vision in a childhood accident that heightened his other senses to near-superhuman level. What would really happen: That stuff about one's other senses becoming heightened as a result of suddenly losing sight? Yeah, that's actually true. In the case of Matt Murdock, that would probably amount to a slightly better sense of taste and smell and more acute hearing, but the ability to become a martial arts master and expert prowler, minus any sense of spacial awareness? Forget about it. Murdock could be a great lawyer, but if he carries on playing Daredevil he's just going to hurt himself. Not even people with 20/20 vision get that lucky at fighting. 4) Clark Kent/Superman The origins story: Powerful extraterrestrial Kal-El is raised on Earth as Clark Kent, an 'all-American boy' who grows up to be a roving reporter as well as the costumed superhero Superman. 'Kent' successfully passes as a dorky journo and lives a normal life, while Kal-El's other alter-ego Superman is embraced by the US government as a hero and protector. What would really happen: It's more likely that Superman's trajectory once on Earth would resemble a cross between that of Watchmen's megalomaniacal Dr. Manhattan and super-powered outcast Hancock. For starters, no one would be buying that 'Clark Kent' routine (a pair of glasses are not a disguise), so Kal-El would have to deal with the reality of being an invincible being among mere mortals. Just imagine the corrupting power of that realization on Supes, and how coldly the rest of the world would treat such an entity. At the very least he'd develop a world-threatening God complex. 3) Bruce Banner/Hulk The origins story: Brilliant but introverted scientist Dr. Bruce Banner is, during an experiment, exposed to high levels of gamma radiation. Banner from then on finds that, whenever he becomes irate, he transforms from his mild-mannered self into a giant, musclebound green monster with anger management issues. What would really happen: If you think for one second that a real-life Bruce Banner wouldn't simply succumb to radiation sickness and die following his accident, then you're deluded. According to conventional wisdom, being exposed to massive amounts of radiation doesn't give you super-strength, but in fact has the opposite effect, sapping a person until their body shuts down. We're talking a long, drawn-out, painful death here, for a scientific professional that really should have been more careful. 2) Bruce Wayne/Batman The origins story: The billionaire son of Thomas Wayne and heir to Wayne Enterprises, Bruce Wayne finds himself all alone in the world (save for butler Alfred) after his parents are unceremoniously killed. He grows up to masquerade as a playboy and moonlight as the morally upright, virtually unstoppable vigilante Batman. He dresses as a bat because of his childhood fear of the animal. What would really happen: Wayne has no powers, and he relies on total anonymity to pull off his stint as Batman. Simply put, Bruce Wayne gets far too lucky far too often, taking on Gotham's villains alone with some fancy hardware without his identity ever being revealed. In reality, Batman would probably quite quickly go the way of Kick-Ass: beaten by rivals who discover he's just a regular guy in a suit, before being caught by the authorities for repeated illegal activity. No doubt intense psychological evaluation would follow. 1) The Fantastic Four The origins story: In Josh Trank's Fantastic Four, a group of pioneering young folk are lent extraordinary powers after an extraterrestrial jaunt gone wrong. At first they're put in government captivity to be experimented upon, but before long they're unleashed to fight bad guys, using their powers - which they quickly learn to control - for good. What would really happen: If you really think government bods would ever let the Fantastic Four free, then you obviously haven't heard of a little thing called The Establishment. In reality, the Fantastic Four would be kept locked away for two very important reasons: 1) so they don't go into the outside world and just start killing people by accident with their crazy powers, and 2) so government scientists can conduct endless tests. The Fantastic Four are the biggest breakthrough in science of the 21st century, no way is anyone letting them out into the world.