I can proudly state that horror films are my favourite genre. You either get to watch something genuinely artistic and terrifying or something so bad that it makes you laugh out loud at the sheer absurdity of it all. Either way it’s a great way to spend two hours of your day. I will be the first to admit though that horror is perhaps the most recyclable genre in film. Not just with the constant sequels and remakes but with once original conventions that have now become so predictable that you can’t help but flash a knowing smile whenever such moments appear on screen. The following list takes a mocking look at twenty things I have learnt from watching too many horror films.
1.) When you are under a stressful situation involving a deranged psychopath you should definitely split up and make it easier for him/her to kill you off one by one.
2.) Never trust hotel/motel owners. They are more than likely to be psychologically unhinged.
SEE: Psycho, Motel Hell, Vacancy, Calvaire
3.) When you are in an advantageous position against someone who has been intent on killing you, it is best to run away and prolong the horror as opposed to just killing them off whilst you have the chance.
4.) In the past decade it has become common for young, attractive women to wear next to nothing in their own homes regardless of the season or time of day.
SEE: The Unborn, Jennifer’s Body, The Stepfather (2010), Joy Ride
5.) Horror villains seem to have nine lives as long as the first film is financially successful.
6.) People never ever think to look behind them until the moment when they are about to be killed.
7.) The next time you spot an Asian female with long hair you should run for your life.
SEE: Ringu, A Tale of Two Sisters, Shutter, Audition, The Grudge
8.) It’s just me! – Friends often sneak up behind one another in the creepiest manner possible as opposed to just calling out their name.
9.) Don’t ask for directions at abandoned gas stations. The attendant is guaranteed to have either a creepy voice, lots of missing teeth or one working eye and most importantly of all the wants to see you killed.
10.) Road trips are destined to end in agonising pain.
SEE: The Human Centipede, Hostel, Wolf Creek, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hitcher
11.) All manic killers are frustrated, straight edge activists who will kill anyone who drinks, smokes or is sexually promiscuous.
12.) Quiet, sensitive children are always targeted by the supernatural. If your child is loud and obnoxious he or she is probably safe.
SEE: Stir of Echoes, The Sixth Sense, Mirrors, The Devil’s Backbone, The Shining
13.) There are loads of isolated old men and women who have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the town’s killers.
14.) Stay away from the bathroom. You may smell bad but you’ll avoid some truly horrific incidents.
SEE: Psycho, What Lies Beneath, Candyman, Psycho, My Bloody Valentine
15.) Men manage it okay but apparently all women forget how to run properly when being chased by a vicious killer. Instead they stumble, panic, fall, run in the wrong direction, lose all feeling in their legs, attempt to be as loud as possible and basically make it as easy as possible for the villain to catch up with them.
16.) Invest in a vehicle that won’t easily break down in the middle of nowhere
SEE: Wrong Turn, The Hills have Eyes, Vacancy, Carriers
17.) If you stick around long enough the killer you were once scared of becomes distinctly unscary and a bit of a laughing stock.
SEE: Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part II, Nightmare on Elm Street: Dream Warriors, Hellraiser: Hell on Earth
18.) Don’t bother confiding in parents. You could be getting ravaged on the spot and they’ll still think that you’re making it all up.
19.) Big, extravagant mansions may look nice and everything but they are just not worth the hassle.
20.) When you hear a disturbing sound it is best to go and investigate without any form of protection. This will definitely end well.
SEE: The Shining, The Amityville Horror, The Innocents, The Haunting
Hope you enjoyed the list. Let us know in the comments what you’ve learnt from watching horror films.
