Matt – Arnold
Arnold vs. Mark Wahlberg. The Governator vs. Marky Mark. Former Mr. Universe vs. Former Hip-Hop Goon. Max Payne vs. Mr. Freeze. Experience vs. (More) Youthful. Who would I pick to cover my ass in a fight? Even though he’s in his mid 60s, I’m still going with the intimidating Austrian himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Sure, everyone has a Wahl-boner for Mark’s beefy pecs and chiseled abs, but in Arnie’s prime, he was named the most perfectly sculpted man by the Guinness Book of World Records (or a title somewhere along those lines), and has proven through recent roles like The Last Stand and Expendables 2 that he can still kick some ass. Sure, Marky’s getting his own beef-up going for his new role in Pain & Gain, but Schwarzenegger is the perfect candidate to put this whipper snapper in his place. Oh, you lift weights Mark? Well Arnold lifts tree trunks, just watch Commando. And you know what Mark? I bet he still can.
Let’s also go over Arnie’s experience as well. He’s fought an master alien hunter (Predator), barbarians (Conan the Barbarian), an entire private army (Commando), a deadly game show (The Running Man), Skynet (Terminator), Batman (Batman & Robin), Danny DeVito (Twins), kindergartners (Kindergarten Cop), women with three breasts (Total Recall), Jackie Chan (Around The Wold In 80 Days), Razzie Awards (The 6th Day), action movies (The Last Action Hero), and a baby (Junior). Any man that can give birth to a child then defeat an entire army of personal militants is aces in my book. And what’s Wahlberg got. Fighting a teddy bear (Ted), trees (The Happening), monkeys (Planet of the Apes), and porn stars (Boogie Nights)? Please, don’t even make Arnold laugh at those puny attempts.
But what about when you’re fighting? How are you supposed to stay entertained while fighting alongside your celebrity tag team partner? Marky Mark I’m sure is a good fighter, but he always adapts to the hardass role. He’s like a bull who sees red, and just goes into a bro-like daze. Arnold on the other hand is the master of one-liners no matter what situation he’s stuck in, whether it’s freezing innocent Gotham City citizens or saving his daughter from the clutches of evil. Arnie has always got a great zinger right on the tip of his tongue, and what’s a better morale booster than confident mockery of your opponents?! I could write an article just based off of The Governator’s signature lines, but I’ll save the wordcount for another time.
Another plus for Arnold are the musical groups attached to each. Marky Mark has the Funky Bunch, the successfully wimpy hip-hop group that featured Marky Mark, Scottie Gee, Hector The Booty Inspector, DJ-T, and Ashey Ace. They made it to #1 with good vibrations, but were also responsible for a song on the Super Mario Bros. movie soundtrack and critically one of the worst video games ever made with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Make My Video. On the other hand, Arnold has a metal band in his honor called Austrian Death Machine, a side project of badass metalcore musicians completely devoted to making songs based only off Schwarzenegger quotes. What would you rather listen to while fighting – grinding hardcore metal riffage that insights riots, or 90’s pussy hip-hop? Are you still thinking? See below.
Yeah, there’s no argument here. I’m taking The Governator every day of the week, puttying that iron-pumping wannabe Mark Wahlberg in his place. Hell, me and Arnold will take on the whole damn Funky Bunch just to prove a point. “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”