Christian: The Ten
There have been many strange relationships that I simply don’t understand, such as Renee Zellweger with anyone she’s ever been with. Seriously, that face, it must have been forged in the fires of Mount Doom. But perhaps the oddest of couples that I’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing is Winona Ryder and her tryst with a ventriloquist doll in David Wain’s The Ten.
Let’s not discuss the quality of the film, per se, but how amazing this relationship is. In one of the many shorts that make up The Ten, Ryder plays a woman upset with her boring relationship. But after watching a hilariously unfunny ventriloquist doll perform at a club, she steals the doll from its owner and proceeds to spend a passionate night in a motel room with her wooden lover.
The fling involves every cliché rolled up into one fantastic montage, including one of the most disturbingly perfect sex scenes in cinema. It’s not graphic, and only lasts a few seconds, but watching Ryder live up to her name with that doll is enough to redeem the whole movie. Seriously, look it up on Youtube, because you know you really want to.
But we’re not here to talk about sex; we’re here to figure out which relationship is the weirdest, and by God, it’s gotta be this one! It’s not even an inter-species affair since it’s between a deranged woman and an inanimate doll, and what’s weirder than that? Other than that time you totally made out with your Cabbage Patch Kid. Don’t deny it, you freak. Live in your shame!
Ryder starts to feel alive as she drives away with the doll, crying because she has never felt this way about anybody before. What makes this odd couple believable is the way this carved hunk of wood breathes life into a bored housewife. Everybody can relate to the feeling of being free after finding the person you love, running away into the sunset and feeling the wind blow through your hair (or mouth hole, if you’re a puppet who can read (in which case, holy crap! Please don’t murder the rest of my family!)).
Actually, who am I kidding? This is all because of that sex scene. Best thing in the world, hands down. It doesn’t matter if the relationship does end up lasting, because their one night of passion composes a beautiful symphony of emotions that no other on screen couple has been able to convey in such a perfect way.
Wrong again. It’s the sex. Hope you enjoy the splinters, Winona!
Click below to continue reading.