You wake up in a cold sweat, but the nightmare isn’t over. You’re trapped in a horror movie, and the only way out is through the monster. All you have for weapons are your fists.
Here at We Got This Covered, there are some badass writers who can do more than angrily type on their keyboards. Depending on the monster, we think we might actually have a legitimate shot at getting out of these movies alive. That leads to the real question: Which movie monster could we take in a fistfight? Here’s what some of the WGTC staff had to say on the subject.
Tristyn Akbas vs. Chucky (Child’s Play)
When you think of monsters you could easily take in a fight, Chucky easily comes to mind. The little doll from Child’s Play, the 1988 film which was directed by Tom Holland, was possessed by the soul of a serial killer, Charles Lee Ray as played by Brad Dourif. Again, Chucky is a doll, he would come up to your knee at best.
The only reason you might not be able to take him in a fistfight is that he’s too low to punch, so you would kick the little demon into oblivion. Even he knows his capabilities, resorting to stalking a child rather than going after an adult. Put any half-witted adult in front of him, and he would not last more than two minutes. He would end up looking like one of Sid’s toys from Toy Story.
Christian Bone vs. Aliens (Signs)
For the majority of the runtime, the aliens from M. Night Shyamalan’s alien invasion flick, Signs, would appear to be formidable opponents, what with the way they are kept in the shadows and talked up as vastly more intelligent and advanced than our own race. But the twist ending, one of Shyamalan’s most notorious, reveals just how easy one would be to take in a fight. Spoilers incoming…they’re fatally allergic to water. All you’d need to face one is a Super Soaker and you’d be laughing, like M. Night on his way to the bank after hoodwinking us into seeing another of his movies.
Misty Contreras vs. Abner Devereaux (Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park)
Abner Devereaux was the sorest of sore sports in KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. I mean, seriously, what was his beef against KISS anyway? When you think about it, a band with a name that big would have brought some serious revenue to the park. Where’s your team spirit, Devereaux? Thanks to lil’ Abner, we got to see the band fight against animatronic versions of themselves, that’s pretty cool. But that was just rude when he kidnapped Melissa’s boyfriend Sam and made him his bitch. And Devereaux was defeated in the end, but I would’ve ripped that resister out of Sam’s neck and installed it in Devereaux’s and made him clean out my pantry.
Jonathon Greenall vs. Audrey II (Little Shop Of Horrors)
Sure the Mean Green Mother From Outer Space sings a big game, but when it comes down to a one-on-one fight, they’re at a massive disadvantage. Sure, they have lots of strong tendrils, but the lack of legs and their big heads means they can’t easily defend themselves, so I’ve just got to run in swinging. Eventually, I’ll land a hit.
Plus, I’m an apartment-dwelling millennial, so I naturally kill any houseplant I interact with anyway, and what is Audrey II but a huge chance to show why I shouldn’t be allowed to have indoor plants?
Furthermore, in the movie, Audrey II lost to Rick Moranis, the patron saint of dorky white people, meaning the historical precedent is in my favor.
Taylor Mansfield vs. Ghostface (Scream)
While supernatural entities in horror are more difficult choices to physically take on in a brawl, there are other figures in the spooky genre that are much easier to engage in battle—and that would be the infamous Ghostface killer from the long-standing Scream franchise. So, when the decision presented itself to choose a killer that would be easy to take on in a fight, the Ghostface persona seemed like a reasonable selection.
Although Ghostface might appear to be an unstoppable force, the killers who don the iconic black and white mask are actually weak. In the franchise’s films, the killers relied on sneaking up behind their victims to attack them, rather than fighting them one-on-one, which just proves that even they knew they couldn’t win in a fight. Other than a sneaky approach, the Ghostface killers are weak bullies that can easily get smoked. I mean, come on, an old lady even used the Ghostface identity, which really tells you all you need to know.
Cody Raschella vs. Lotso (Toy Story 3)
Okay, hear me out. A life-sized Lotso would be terrifying. Think of him as practically the fuzzy version of Kingpin. Imagine how much he can bench press? One flick of that oversized paw and bam! you’re tossed across the room and sliding down the wall. If you were trapped in Sunnyside Daycare as Woody and the rest of Andy’s toys were in Toy Story 3 and suddenly realized you were hostage to a lifesize scowling pink teddy bear hellbent on tossing you in the can and munching you into recycled bits, you’d be scared too, don’t lie. That being said, here’s why we think you’d still be able to take him in a fistfight.
Okay, the first thing you do is reduce him to tears. No, seriously, once you mention his previous owner Daisy—you know, the one who abandoned him—he’s done for. Then, you employ Slink to wrap his coils around Lotso’s legs and ka-pow! he’s tumbling to the ground. Here’s where you go in for the kill. Not that you need backup, but if Buzz is around, call him over to pin Lotso’s arms down. Now you have uninterrupted access to deliver as many blows as it takes to defeat him.
There, you’re welcome.
Charlotte Simmons vs. Tethered Charlotte (Us)
What makes my Tethered counterpart from Jordan Peele’s Us the ideal opponent is that I wouldn’t have to think very much about it. By all accounts, this is as fair a matchup as it could possibly get. All I would have to do is be a bit better on the day. The Wilsons were largely overpowered due to their initial lack of the killer instinct present in their counterparts, a mistake that I can now avoid should I ever need to prepare for such a fight.
Moreover, if we understand the Tethered as the deepest, most twisted versions of ourselves, then I can picture my counterpart being forever glued to a Disney Plus queue populated by nothing but Zootopia, the original release of which coincided around the time I fell in love with movies as a whole. Indeed, as they’d absorb their Nth viewing of Judy Hopps’ plight, they would never see me coming.
Francisca Tinoco vs. Jean Jacket (NOPE)
Here’s the thing, in order to beat Jean Jacket, actually engaging in physical violence with it would be an instant recipe for getting your butt kicked all the way to next year’s Halloween. Granted, I’m not the bravest soldier when it comes to enduring scary horror movie monsters. Most of the time, I try to stay away from them, by not tuning in to, most likely, a single other movie on this list. However, I can’t resist a good Jordan Peele, and in NOPE, Peele presents a man-eating alien that at least gives me a fair chance at survival. All I have to do is avoid eye contact (which being a woman on planet Earth has given me plenty of practice in), and figure out a way to make something incredibly deadly look tasty enough to eat. That’s basically a McDonald’s meal, so how hard can it be? I think I would be OK.
Matt Tuck vs. Old Man Michael Myers (Halloween 2018)
He’s the face of slasher films everywhere, and his haunting theme music is a horror and Halloween staple.
Michael Myers is arguably the most famous movie monster of the past 50 years, and the latest Blumhouse films have established him with a new generation of fans (well, maybe not Halloween Ends…).
Going back to the first of the latest trilogy, Michael had been locked in a psychiatric hospital since the events of the original 1978 flick. Supposedly, he was 21 years old then. That makes him 61 when the 2018 reboot/continuation kicks off. In the time between the ’78 classic and ’18 restart, he’s been confined to an extremely limited space to move, as we saw at the beginning of the movie when Michael’s modified William Shatner mask is flaunted before him. It triggers his unexplained superpowers and goes on yet another killing spree (because slashers gotta slash, I guess).
Removing all the superpowers, after 40 years of confinement in a small space with limited to no exercise, his muscles would have atrophied. Given his size, just moving that large frame would be fairly exhausting for someone with almost no muscle mass, I would imagine. That makes Michael virtually defenseless.
—Matt Tuck
Chynna Wilkinson vs. John Kramer (Saw)
Saw aficionados—and horror fanatics alike—are familiar with the infamous Jigsaw killer, John Kramer. There are three individuals who are synonymous with the Jigsaw moniker: John Kramer, Amanda Young, and Mark Hoffman, but the former is responsible for conceiving the “live or die” mentality that underlies Jigsaw’s modus operandi. When it was asked of us, the WGTC staff, to choose a movie monster that we could take in a fist fight, it didn’t take long before John Kramer sprang to mind. It can be argued that his method in the madness is far more imposing than the man himself. If we ever met in a parking lot somewhere, it wouldn’t take more than a few right hooks to render him unconscious; Tobin Bell is 80 years old, and Kramer isn’t far behind. Plus, the dude has cancer. Come on.
Staci White vs. Jennifer Check (Jennifer’s Body)
Could I take Jennifer Check in a fistfight post-becoming a succubus? No, probably not. Once she becomes a man-eating monster with a dislocating jaw, the odds would be against me. Needy could hardly beat her, and she had way more motivation than I do. But I think I could take her before the transformation, though honestly, I would just prefer that we run away together instead.
—Staci White
