Britain declares war on ninjas: ‘When we promise action we take it.’

Sure, the United Kingdom might be rainy, depressing, cruel, corrupt, cold, small-minded, stupid, broke, isolated, old-fashioned, hateful, gray, lonely, unhealthy, depraved, uptight, filthy, polluted, ugly, jealous, and nasty. But, on the plus side, at least they don’t have to worry about ninjas.

British Prime Minister Keir Starmer has clearly taken stock of the many serious problems facing his country and zeroed in on one fix that’ll solve everything: banning ninja swords. Yup, from mid-2025 onwards, UK-based ninjas will have to surrender their ninjatōs, wakazashis, and tantos and be restricted to only using shuriken, kusarigami, and their deadly fukiya blow darts.

Confirmed: Ninja swords will be banned by this summer.

When we promise action we take it. https://t.co/gjJEQIMI10

— Keir Starmer (@Keir_Starmer) March 27, 2025

We reached out to the ninja community for comment, but were only met with a sudden gust of wind and the shuddering *thonk* of a kunai thudding into our wall. Pinned to it was a note that simply had an angry ninja face drawn on it, which we think speaks volumes.

Those with long memories will know that the United Kingdom has long suffered under the light feet and acrobatic antics of the shinobi. Back in the 1980s, politicians were terrified of children developing ninja ambitions and attempted to stamp them out, with the most visible consequence the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles being renamed the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles in the U.K.

For British turtle fans, this meant the government editing out the corrupting influence of Michelangelo’s nunchukas, reworking a subplot in the movie to be less pro-ninja, and the removal of a scene in which Michelangelo handles two linked sausages in a manner considered to be suspiciously ninja-like.

Alas, the power of the British government couldn’t stamp out Britain’s endemic ninja problem and now here we are, 35 years later, with Keir Starmer forced to sigh and draw his metaphorical katana once again. After all, these days every citizen of the United Kingdom knows not to venture outside after dark for fear of a brutal yet stylish ninja ambush.

Britons are clearly breathing a sigh of relief on social media:

good i was really getting concerned about ninja attacks i can feel at ease this summer

— ste.respect (@sterespect) March 27, 2025

Others don’t think this goes far enough, calling for a ban on all ninjas:

Surely you should be banning the ninjas?

— Drbirrdie (@drbirrdie) March 28, 2025

It remains to be seen how this ban will be enforced, though plans may be afoot to train British police in the noble art of bushido. Some have floated a scheme to attract any wandering ronin to our shores with the promise of an estate, indentured retainers, and the right to a certain percentage of freshly harvested rice from Britain’s peasants.

Quite! The shinobi is a dishonest infiltrator and his weapons contemptible. In Britain, we stand for katana borne honourably by the samurai of the Realm (those in chivalric orders, such as Sir Keir) , in defence of their Sovereign Daimyo, His Majesty the Tenno, Charles III. https://t.co/8n31cv6mBY

— Legal Style Blog (@legalstyleblog) March 27, 2025

Skeptics may point out that ninjas are nothing if not adaptable and could use other weapons, like kitchen knives. Some have the nerve to argue that there is no danger from ninjas and this is merely a PR exercise by an unpopular government that wants to be seen to be doing something without having to spend any money.

To them, I say secure your walled estates, ensure your hanging lanterns remain permanently lit, and keep an ear out for the imperceptible thud of a shinobi alighting on your gabled irimoya roof, as the danger is real. Thank god the United Kingdom has Keir Starmer to protect them.