‘I am a team player,’ says Marjorie Taylor Greene, while throwing a colleague under the bus and climbing into the driver’s seat

Did you wake up feeling oddly optimistic and chipper this morning? Against all the odds, are you currently cossetted in the comforting faith that, somehow, someway, everything’s going to turn out OK?

Well, then, you know what you need to cure yourself of that delusion and let your cynical freak flag fly again? A five-page letter from Insurrection Barbie herself, Marjorie Taylor Greene, in which she explains her reasoning for stabbing Republican Speaker Mike Johnson in the back. And it’s all written in as hideously xenophobic, transphobic, and just generally inflammatory language as you would expect from the author of such bigoted bestsellers as Jewish Space Lasers Are Real and God Caused The Eclipse To Punish Biden.

Reading through the full thing might be considered torture tantamount to what Malcolm McDowell goes through in A Clockwork Orange, so allow me to paraphrase Greene’s latest gasbaggery for you. It’s essentially a Greatest Hits collection of everything MTG has already tweeted about Johnson for the past month, like a comedian redoing an old set that wasn’t funny the first time around.

As we all know, Greene hates that Johnson approved the recent $1.2 billion funding bill that literally saved the country from grinding to a standstill. Everything she complains about in her letter we’ve all heard before. Criticizing that it does nothing to “secure the border” but is “funding abortion,” claiming that it impresses “a trans agenda on our kids,” and that it persecutes the innocent, “nonviolent protesters” who took part in the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol… You know, the same one that resulted in five deaths.

Plus, it wouldn’t be a Marj Original if it didn’t contain at least one ridiculously hyperbolic statement that’s so far from the truth that it hails from an entirely different galaxy. Greene accuses Johnson of colluding with Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer to further the “witch hunt” against Donald Trump and the “91 indictments” against him (remember, it’s pronounced “indikt-ment”). “If convicted, this would be a death sentence for President Trump,” she screeches in text form. “A death sentence for President Trump is exactly what the Democrats want. They want him dead.”

A total lack of self-awareness is another thing we can always expect from MTG, and sure enough this letter is so chock-full of irony-free statements that you’ll start wondering if this woman can even see her own reflection in the mirror (because she’s a vampire or otherwise). “I’m a team player,” she writes at one point, despite doing her best to crucify one of her own team for the past four pages.

Even better, though? “The American people are fed up with the hypocrisy,” Marjorie points out elsewhere. “I am too and I completely agree with the people.” Of course, if she was really fed up with hypocrisy in politics then she would deactivate her X account and shut her mouth for the rest of time. But I think there’s about as much chance of that happening as Trump waking up tomorrow and going, “Wow, I need to tone down the fake tan! And while I’m at it I’m withdrawing from the election to become a fishmonger in Reykjavik.”

“There are no more excuses,” Greene writes in the conclusion of her letter. You said it, Marjorie — so let’s cut the excuses and just admit that you simply really love bullying people, regardless of if they’re on your side or not.