Miserable Elon Musk finally realizes ‘money can’t buy you happiness’

Kicking a man while he’s down is never a good look. But when that man is Elon Musk? Ah, maybe we can make a tiny exception to that rule?

The notoriously thin-skinned billionaire, who may soon become the world’s first trillionaire, has for almost his whole life been on a desperate quest to win the public’s love and affection. For a few brief shining years, he succeeded, painting himself as the “real-life Tony Stark”. But the more people were exposed to him, the less they liked him.

More recently, Musk has managed to alienate liberals by cozying up to Trump and his disastrous tenure as the head of DOGE, before also alienating MAGA by coming after Trump himself and his connections to Jeffrey Epstein.

Much like one of his rockets, this has now catastrophically blown up in his face. Last week’s release of the Epstein files revealed that… you guessed it, Elon Musk was begging Epstein to let him visit his pedophile island for the wildest party possible.

So, to recap. *Deep breath* The world has seen Musk pleading with the modern era’s greatest pedophile to visit his pedophile island, Republicans think he’s a drug-addled moron, Democrats think he’s a Nazi, some of his children hate him, his father is a monster, his ‘friends’ are there for his money, Tesla sales are down, his stupid Optimus robots don’t work, his pet AI is producing CSAM, he’s facing legal action on multiple fronts, and – notably for an obviously vain man – he’s getting more grotesque by the day. Oh yeah, and the ketamine thing! And the supposedly botched surgery in an… intimate area.

All of which has led to this:

Whoever said “money can’t buy happiness” really knew what they were talking about 😔

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) February 5, 2026

You’re doing it wrong, idiot

Here’s the thing though, money can actually buy you happiness. You simply have to devote your time and wealth towards making the world a better place in every way you can, using your good fortune to improve the lives of everyone around you, and selflessly sacrifice your capital for the common good. This isn’t a cast-iron guarantee of happiness, but it’s certainly likely to get you most of the way there. Read A Christmas Carol!

But Musk isn’t going to do any of that. He’s only going to get more isolated, more bitter, and more resentful – becoming furious at the world for refusing to laugh at his attempts at humor and annoyed that they will never recognize him as the epic meme lord he so clearly believes himself to be.

If this is a sign of a downward spiral, all we can say is that we’ll be waiting at the bottom with some popcorn in our hands.