‘This can’t be real life’: Trump-themed teddy bear is the stuff of nightmares, complete with a bad toupee and a Homelander cape

What’s even worse than having Donald Trump in the White House? Having Donald Trump in your bedroom, watching you sleep at night.

Or, at least, a stuffed effigy of him, anyway. For reasons that fathom belief, a Trump teddy bear – Trumpy bear – has gone on sale in the run-up to the election that really needs to be seen to be believed. Although many of us were living in blissful ignorance of its existence, TikTok user @smokeyprincess took it upon herself to afflict the whole of the app with the image of the Trump bear when she shared a recording of the cursed commercial for the nightmarish product, which actually dates way back to 2018.

A truly monstrous excuse for a child’s plaything, the Trump bear is adorned with a toupee worse than Wade Wilson’s in Deadpool & Wolverine and a pair of upsettingly bright blue eyes that make it look more like a troubling taxidermy experiment than a toy. Unpleasant to look at and leaving you filled with despair? At least, the Trump bear is true to life, I guess.

Somehow, that’s not the worst of it, though. The manufacturers of Trump Bear appear convinced that they have the next action figure craze on their hands as it seems the world’s weirdest stuffed animal comes with a range of outfits and accessories. One frame of the ad depicts Trump Bear in an astronaut costume (???) and there’s even a hidden pocket in his back which you can unzip to reveal a Stars and Stripes cape, straight out of the wardrobe of Homelander from The Boys.

So, say you were a devoted MAGA mom looking for a new toy to indoctrinate your infant with? How much would the Trump bear set you back? Unbelievably, this star of a future Blumhouse horror film is selling for the extortionate price of $69.99. That’s $10 more that Trump’s own infamous “God Bless the USA” Bibles from this past Easter.

“This is like the new Chucky,” smokeyprincess says in her video. Likewise, commenters freaked out by the strangely human-like eyes can see the resemblance. “Just like chucky there is a soul trapped inside,” one wrote. It’s important to note, however, that any comparisons between the Trump bear and a serial killer doll are grossly unfair… Chucky, the LGBTQ ally that he is, doesn’t deserve such slander.

“Would you rather be alone with the man or the bear?” has dominated TikTok discourse this year, and in every other instance the bear has won out, but finally the birth of Trump Bear has forced folks to think again. As one comment put it: “When I said I choose the bear this was NOT what I meant!!!” Maybe, just this once, nobody has to be alone with either of them and instead we elect to leave both Trump the man and Trump the bear in the woods together. I promise multiple generations of Americans will be better off.