The 10 best Detective John Munch quotes from ‘Law & Order: SVU,’ ‘Homicide: Life on the Street,’ and more

John Munch, either you love him, or you hate him. Just ask his ex-wives. Since his debut in Homicide: Life on the Streets, the wisecracking, conspiracy-endorsing, crime-fighting Munch has entertained and delighted fans. His popularity extended far past his viewers, with many directors, and producers inviting the iconic detective to guest star on their dramas. With more than 10 appearances or guest appearances of the beloved character, there are plenty of Munch-isms to go around. The real challenge is picking just ten moments to perfectly encapsulate the sardonic detective and do justice to the late, great Richard Belzer.

Homicide: Life on the Street

Homicide: Life on the Street was based on the 1991 book, Homicide: A Year on the Killing Streets. Written by a journalist who followed the Boston Police Department’s homicide division, the novel served as a blueprint for the television series. Over the course of the year, author David Simon (yes, that David Simon, of The Wire), shadowed the Boys in Blue, he recorded more than 230 murders, many of which informed episodes of Homicide: Life on the Streets. The result is one of the most acclaimed police procedural dramas ever made.

When Homicide: Life on the Streets premiered in 1993, it was far from Richard Belzer’s first project; a former comedian, Belzer had a decent run on Saturday Night Live as well as his own television show, The Richard Belzer Show back in 1984. Despite his tenure in the ‘biz, Belzer said it was an interview he did with Howard Stern that landed him on Homicide: Life on the Streets, largely due to his own paranoid ramblings, opining that “it’s great because I would never be a detective, but if I were, that’s how I’d be. The character is very close to how I’d be. They write to all my paranoia and my establishment dissidence and conspiracy theories.” But on to the Munchisms.

Detective Bayliss: “So, does the violence make them stupid, or does the stupidity lead to violence?”

Detective Munch: “Well, that’s chicken-and-egg semantics. The important point is that we win some cases because our brains are repositories for intelligence, and their brains are day-old banana pudding.”

Just like his character, Belzer was an avid conspiracy theorist; he wrote dozens of books, from materials on classic conspiracies like UFOs, JFK, and Elvis: Conspiracies You Don’t Have to be Crazy to Believe, and Hit List: An In-Depth Investigation into the Mysterious Deaths of Witnesses to the JFK Assassination, to deeper, less-mainstream conspiracies, like Someone Is Hiding Something: What Happened to Malaysia Airlines Flight 370? It’s almost as if the role was designed for Belzer himself!

Detective Munch: “You’re saving your really good lies for some smarter cop, is that it? I’m just a donut in the on-deck circle. Wait until the real guy gets here. Wait until that big guy comes back. I’m probably just his secretary. I’m just Montel Williams. You want to talk to Larry King.”

Suspect Bernard: “I’m telling you the truth.”

Detective Munch: “I’ve been in murder police for ten years. If you’re going to lie to me, you lie to me with respect. What is it? Is it my shoes? Is it my haircut? Got a problem with my haircut? Don’t you ever lie to me like I’m Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams.”

Suspect Bernard: “Who’s Montel Williams?”

Detective Munch: “I’m not Montel Williams.”

John Munch was the character with the most screen time during the series’ 7 season run. In fact, there are only three episodes that Belzer doesn’t make an appearance in: “The Damage Done,” “Lines of Fire,” and “The Subway.”

Detective Munch: “Homicide: our day begins when yours ends.”

One year after Homicide: Life on the Street concluded on the small screen, the cast got back together to send the series out with a bang. A made-for-TV movie, Homicide: The Movie, served as the series’ penultimate episode, and the entire cast returned to properly solve their final case.

Detective Bolander: [referencing bird droppings] “Would you look at this? Pigeons!”
Detective Munch: “Not from a pigeon, it’s from a waterfowl.”
Detective Bolander: “A what?”
Detective Munch: “A waterfowl. From a mallard.”
Detective Bolander: “A duck?”
Detective Munch: “A well-fed duck.”
Detective Bolander: “Right, like you can tell the difference. That couldn’t come from a seagull, I suppose?”
Detective Munch: “No, gulls have a milky white splurter. Notice the lobular pattern, these splays within splays.”
Detective Bolander: “Munch… why do you know these things?”

Law & Order SVU

Law and Order: SVU wasn’t Richard Belzer’s first choice for a follow-up series after Homicide: Life on the street. The actor initially asked to be placed in Law & Order, as a partner to Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach) a series he had made frequent guest appearances on. Dick Wolf loved the idea, but had already cast a new partner to play opposite Briscoe, so he offered Belzer a role on SVU instead.

With the character of Munch being partially owned by three parties, there was real potential for the deal to fall through. Originally inspired by David Simon’s depiction of Detective Sergeant Jay Landsman, and then reworked for Homicide: Life on the Street by Tom Fontana and Barry Levinson, there were plenty of people who wanted a slice of that Munch pie. Luckily for viewers everywhere, all three parties came to an agreement, and Munch moved from Baltimore to New York.

Detective Munch: “I came back from Baltimore after my last marriage broke up. The only opening in my bracket was SVU. Seen enough dead bodies, figured the change would do me good. Little did I know, it’s the living victims that rip your guts out.”

Belzer had plenty of pull when he was first brought onto the show. He insisted that Dean Winters play the part of his partner, Brian Cassidy. Belzer allegedly told Dick Wolf, “Well, I’ll do this new show of yours, SVU, only if you make Dean Winters my partner.” The only problem: Winters was already under contract for OZ, so he was only available during the series off-season.

Detective Cassidy: “Sure, rain on my parade”

Detective Munch: “I don’t want to just rain on it, I wanna blow up all the floats.”

Brian Cassidy became a recurring guest character after his Oz obligations look him away from set, but it certainly wasn’t bad news for fans. The remainder of season one featured Monique Jefferies (Michelle Hurd) as his temporary partner, but Hurd departed the show in order to join the cast of Leap Year. Her departure made room for the iconic Ice-T to step in as Odafin “Fin” Tutuola.

Detective Munch: “Dodge ball? Haven’t they outlawed this barbaric practice yet?”

Detective Tutuola: “I loved this game.”

Detective Munch: “Yeah well, you were some kind of sadist. I literally weighed 98 pounds. I can still hear them now, ‘Break the Pencil!’ I was a walking bruise.”

Ice-T was initially only tapped to play Detective Tutuola for the first four episodes of season two. The former rapper loved the ensemble dynamic of the show so much, he moved to New York before his contract was up and became a main cast member. Tutuola and Munch’s somewhat contentious relationship quickly became a fan favorite aspect of SVU.

Detective Tutuola: [While searching for a suspect’s cat] “I don’t see a cat.”
Detective Munch: “That doesn’t mean anything. They’re freaky little creatures. They lurk.”
Detective Munch: [upon finding the cat] “Oh, there you are, you demonic little furball!”

Despite Ice-T’s origin as a police-hating rapper and producer— he produced the song Cop-Killer in 1990— Ice-T has the second longest tenure on Law and Order: SVU, just behind Mariska Hargitay’s Olivia Benson.

Detective Munch: “I just don’t feel comfortable when the government starts making lists.”
Detective Tutuola: “Please don’t get him started. He starts ranting about black helicopters we’ll be here for hours.”

The X-Files

Detective Munch may have only appeared in one episode of The X-Files, but his brief appearance on the show has sparked fan imagination. This iteration of the conspiracy loving detective is a little less conspiratorial, leading fans to believe that it was his time with Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson) that opened his eyes to the wider world of aliens and monsters. If you want to check out the crossover, you can find it in season 5 episode 3, “Unusual Suspects.”

Detective Munch: “Here’s a tip: aluminum foil. It makes a lovely hat and it blocks out the government’s mind-control rays. It’ll keep you guys out of trouble.”