“Finally,” a weary Bachelor Nation cried out after a grueling seven episodes of men talking during interviews, talking during one-on-ones, talking during their off time, and talking during group sessions dedicated to listening to the men talk. “Finally, an episode where the men talk.”
Yes, The Bachelorette’s “Men Tell All” episodes are a precious moment in every season. They’re an opportunity for contestants to cleanse America’s palate, or, if nothing else, to shout a bunch on TV a couple more times. Sometimes we get introspection and the promise of personal growth. Sometimes we get adult men whining like hungry babies. This year, we got a little of both. Here are the guys who came off looking the least like human blooper reels.
Tanner
America loves Tanner, and not just because he looks like the halfway point of an Animorphs cover where Tom Holland is shapeshifting into Adam Driver. During The Bachelorette’s “Men Tell All” episode, Tanner continued his season-long streak of maintaining the quiet, unassuming dignity of a sad-eyed bronze statue. Calm, inoffensive, and unflappable in a way that makes you think “I could bean that guy in the gourd with a BB gun and he wouldn’t even flinch,” Tanner remains a pillar of the Bachelorette community.
James
James. Sweet James. You never really got your shot, did you? Your main claim to fame was the way that it seemed like, if this was an ‘80s movie and Sean was the evil brother trying to knock down the ski lodge so he could build a shopping mall, you’d be the good brother who keeps the place afloat with a community dance contest and a lot of positivity.
But during the “Men Tell All” episodes, even if just for a moment, James took back his power, establishing himself as a dominant force on the Bachelorette battlefield. Having the confidence to make fun of Brayden’s earrings while you’re wearing an ascot that looks like it got pulled out of Wes Anderson’s mouth by a birthday party magician? Confidence. Alpha confidence. Welcome to the big leagues, Jimbo.
Xavier
It’s a controversial opinion, but hear me out: Did Xavier do a perfect job on the “Men Tell All” episode? No. Is it ever a guy’s best look when he pensively explains to a woman why infidelity happens with a far-off look in his eyes? Not so far. But Xavier showed growth when he gave Charity a rose that he knitted. More specifically, he showed that he had the capacity to knit more stuff than he could before. And even more than that – Xavier made the biggest, most positive change that he could that night by not being in Cleveland. Some guys go their whole lives without not being in Cleveland. You did good, Xavier.
Brayden, our prince, our king, our champion
It is an inarguable fact that we’re all living in Brayden’s world now. He is the life-giving sun in the sky and the mournful cry of the loons coming over the bay at night. Some people might have recoiled at seeing him on the “Men Tell All” episode dressed like the movie Strictly Ballroom went through a goth phase.
But through it all — the interruptions, the grandstanding, the earrings that looked like the first half of an episode of Hoarders — Brayden from The Bachelorette stayed Brayden from The Bachelorette. What did it get him? A spot on Bachelor in Paradise, that’s what. A chance to show off a whole new fedora-and-swim-trunks look. I’ll argue with a lot of things, but I can’t argue with results, and love him or hate him, that man gets results. Results, and probably avian lice.
Captain Tom
I’ve seen some exciting television in my time. I’ve watched the Cubs winning the World Series, Leo winning his Oscar, and those Chilean miners crawling out of that hole. I’ve glued my eyes to the screen as half of the last six presidential elections were called for whoever I voted for. I saw Left Shark. I’ve had a life.
But I’ve never yelled “YES!” at my TV louder than I did when Captain Tom made a surprise guest appearance on The Bachelorette’s “Men Tell All” episode. I want to believe that he drove his fan boat to the studio from Louisiana, and that it was parked out front between a Mitsubishi Accord and Brayden’s electric scooter. I equally want to believe that he left an alligator in the passenger seat with the keys so it could listen to the radio.
Captain Tom behaved like a gentleman. He didn’t put on airs. He wore his camo and he brought a rose for Sean. I’d watch ten more seasons of Captain Tom. We could call the spinoff about him finding love something awesome, like Captain Bachelor or The Bachelor: Let Me Bayou a Drink. Sean could be his sidekick. Sean should be his sidekick. Sean will be his sidekick. Somebody get Sean’s agent on the phone.
Bonus: Whichever bead bracelet salesman parked outside the studio
Without irony, sarcasm, or cruel intention, it can honestly be said that the real winner here was whichever entrepreneur wheeled his cart of homemade bead bracelets from the nearby farmers’ market to the talent entrance of the studio on the day of The Bachelorette’s “Men Tell All” episode. He probably got there hours early and waited, quietly, like a trapdoor spider or a moray eel. As soon as that first Bachelorette contestant walked by, shirt too tight, teeth too bleached, I bet that bead bracelet salesman said something like “Can I interest you in a more attention-grabbing bead bracelet than the one I sold to the guy who got here before you?”
Then he charged Pete $175 for a piece of fishing line with some wood on it and waited for the next guy to walk up so the cycle could begin anew. That man probably retired on the money he made selling bead bracelets to Bachelorette contestants that night. I hope he’s living comfortably in a quiet beach town somewhere. I hope he’s who Charity winds up with.
