‘Satan was unavailable’: Ancient ghoul Tony Blair rises once again and is immediately put in his place

Involving Tony Blair in a Middle East peace process is like inviting Jeffrey Epstein to your daughter’s fifteenth birthday party. The former British Prime Minister’s time in power was defined by his wholehearted embrace of George W. Bush’s disastrous war on terror, which was founded on lies, killed millions, and achieved literally nothing.

Thankfully, Blair is no longer much of a concern in daily life, having vanished into the fog of non-governmental advisory positions, lucrative corporate speeches, writing books nobody reads, and chairing foundations designed to launder billionaires’ bad reputations.

But, like a turd that just won’t flush, Blair is now back once again and trying to involve himself in the Gaza conflict. He recently attended a White House meeting with Donald Trump to figure out what “post-war Gaza” looks like. For an glimpse of that, maybe take a peek at Blair’s previous greatest hits: the wild successes of post-war Afghanistan and Iraq.

British political commentator and journalist Ash Sarkar had the best summary of the situation. On BBC’s Newsnight she was asked, “How significant is the fact that Tony Blair’s involved in discussions about a post-war Gaza?”. Her reply:

“Well, I guess it’s because Satan was unavailable.”

"How significant is the fact that Tony Blairs involved in discussions about a post war Gaza?"@AyoCaesar: "Well I guess it's because Satan was unavailable" pic.twitter.com/sgsuz919O4

— Saul Staniforth (@SaulStaniforth) August 28, 2025

Boom. That hit harder than a British Air Force jet dropping a 50-pounder on an Afghan wedding party.

Someone get me Van Helsing’s number

Sadly, this is unlikely to put a stop to Tony Blair. While we still deal with his legacy of chaos, he continues to walk among us, leaving bloodstained footprints in his wake. Whenever there’s trouble in the Middle East, some doughy political apparatchik heads into the bathroom, faces the mirror and whispers “Tonyblair, Tonyblair, Tonyblair”. And then, with a crack of lightning, behind him rises a grinning, lich-like presence, ready and waiting to give awful advice.

As for “post-war Gaza”. Babe, there’s not going to be a post-war Gaza. Once Israel has successfully exterminated the Palestinians, they’ll bulldoze the place and construct a gaudy beachside resort on their shattered bones.

Soon, Blair will be sipping a Mai-Tai on the beaches of Tel Aviv Part 2. He’ll look around cheerfully, and mutter to himself, “Ah, another job well done. Now, I hear Rupert Murdoch has a new wife. Maybe I should pay the happy couple a visit…”