Buckingham Palace has a homicidal horse problem. Has the equine rebellion begun?

Shakespeare’s famous last words for King Richard III were “A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!”. If he was around today, he might want to reconsider that request. Royal watchers will have noted a disturbing trend across 2024 that’s been bubbling underneath the headline-dominating health scares of King Charles and Kate Middleton.

Let’s just say, somethin’ ain’t right with the Royal horses…

A dangerously unstable relationship

Inevitably for an old-fashioned family, the Windsors make heavy use of horses. These beasts of burden drag their golden carriages through the streets, their extravagantly attired Royal guard sits atop them, the Windsors gather to watch them run about at Ascot, and they’re no strangers to charging about the countryside on them in pursuit of small furry creatures to tear apart.

But of late the relationship ‘twixt Royal and horse has begun to fray and may have finally boiled over into all-out violence. Earlier this year Royal horses hit the headlines when several broke free from their captors and wreaked havoc on the streets of London. Buses were smashed, pedestrians terrified, and the sight of a white horse soaked in blood galloping through the city was taken by many Londoners as a bad omen.

In retrospect, this was a clear sign of disquiet in the Royal stables, though the horses in question were captured and their wild bid for freedom squashed. Now it seems like the horses have hatched Plan B, and the word in the hay is murder.

A night-mare scenario

Princess Anne, widely noted for her lifelong love of horses, saw the tables turn on her in dramatic fashion this week. It was a routine interaction with one of the Royal horses that turned into a nightmare when the beast, seizing its moment perfectly, lashed out with its muscular hind leg and iron-plated hoof in an attempt to shatter the elderly royal’s skull.

Murder may have been on this horse’s mind, but it seems Anne’s skull is made of tough stuff, as she was merely rendered unconscious and rushed to hospital, where it’s said she’s making a good recovery. That said, doctors warn she may not be able to return to work anytime soon. With Charles and Kate not on regular duties Anne had been picking up the Royal slack. Now she can’t, so just imagine a hoof knocking over a piece on a chessboard and neighing sinisterly.

It also appears the general public isn’t safe either. The Royal Cavalry is situated on Whitehall and is usually a popular tourist photo op, but new information has come to light regarding some truly satanic past behavior:

Their lust for pigeon death wasn’t enough, as they have now set their sites on the most dangerous game:

Have the horses had enough? Is the United Kingdom in the early stages of an equine rebellion? Could it be time to fall to our knees and plead for forgiveness from our terrifying new four-legged masters? In this writer’s opinion: Yes!