In early 2024 the world united to yell one question: where is Kate Middleton? The Princess of Wales and future Queen Consort vanished into thin air after Christmas, resulting in a deluge of conspiracy theories as social media exploded with speculation.
On Jan 17. 2024 it was announced that Middleton was undergoing “planned abdominal surgery.” A few weeks later, on Feb. 9 2024 she was taken to Adelaide Cottage at Windsor Castle. The only information on her condition was that she was “doing well.” The mystery was eventually cleared up on Mar. 23, 2024, when Middleton released a video message explaining that she’d been diagnosed with cancer soon after an abdominal operation and is beginning a course of chemotherapy.
The secrecy resulted in notable inconsistencies with the official story, which were only intensified when a doctored image of her was posted to social media. So, here’s how the social media puzzled out Kate’s disappearance, from the disturbing to the bizarre.
Kate Middleton was in a coma
The theory goes that Kate suffered complications during her operation and was placed in a coma,. This story was reported on a Spanish TV show Fiesta, where journalist Concha Calleja said she’d spoken to a Royal aide who’d told her:
“The doctors had to take drastic decisions at that moment because of the complications that arose. The decision was to put her in an induced coma. They had to intubate her. There were serious complications that they didn’t expect because the operation went well, but the postoperative period didn’t go so well.”
Official sources responded, dubbing her story “ludicrous.”
Kate was divorcing William
There have long been rumors that William has cheated on Kate. In 2019 newspapers outside the U.K. reported that he’d had an affair with Kate’s friend Rose Hanbury, with the fallout from that a big factor in Prince Harry and Meghan Markle departing the U.K. (as Harry saw William as replicating Charles’ destructive behavior).
This theory stated that Kate was demanding a divorce from William but the royal family, desperate to avoid an avalanche of bad press and the prospect of an unmarried King, was trying to convince her to stay.
Kate Middleton was attacked by Prince William
Another lingering rumor is that Prince William has a short temper and can be physically abusive. The thinking behind this is an account in Prince Harry’s autobiography Spare. Harry details an argument in which William insulted Meghan Markle and then resorted to violence. As Harry explained:
“It all happened so fast. So very fast. He grabbed me by the collar, ripping my necklace, and he knocked me to the floor. I landed on the dog’s bowl, which cracked under my back, the pieces cutting into me. I lay there for a moment, dazed, then got to my feet and told him to get out.”
Harry says that William apologized, but insisted that he didn’t “need to tell Meg about this.” This sounds like classic abuser behavior and the argument was that if he’s capable of doing this to his brother he’s capable of doing it to his wife. If the heir to the throne had committed an act of domestic violence it’d be a serious matter, and if said attack left her hospitalized we doubt he’d ever become king. Hence the cover-up, and why Kate was being kept under wraps.
Kate Middleton was being treated for an eating disorder
Another vague umbrella theory is that Kate is recovering from a mental health crisis or undergoing treatment for an eating disorder. This was largely predicated on photos of her looking thin, though whatever her weight we suspect some would make dark predictions of ill health.
Kate Middleton was being harvested for parts by King Charles
As the head of the royal family and reigning Monarch Charles is in supreme authority over his family. Now that he’s ill he may urgently require spare parts to unnaturally extend his reign. William is the heir and therefore cannot be touched, Harry is in California (possibly for this very reason) and this left Kate as the only source of precious internal organs. As far as we know, Kate’s organs are still intact and not inside her father-in-law.
Kate Middleton had a BBL
On a lighter (but substantially more jiggly) note, many argued that Kate’s absence was because she was recovering from a Brazilian buttock lift. This notorious plastic surgery removes from fat from other areas of your body and transplants them into your butt, improving the size and shape of it.
Kate Middleton is Banksy
Could Kate Middleton be the elusive and iconic anonymous street artist Banksy, famed for having his provocative work pop up in unusual places? Did the royals discover a balaclava and a pile of empty spray cans tucked away inside an antique wardrobe and put her in lockdown before she can tag the palace?
Kate Middleton was ‘The Unknown’ at the Glasgow Wonka Experience
Of course, the two viral stories had to collide at some point. Could Kate be this mysterious AI-generated terror of children and known choc thief? Well, there’s no evidence to the contrary!
Kate Middleton is the new drummer in Slipknot
Kate Middleton has quite a bit of musical training. She’s a pianist, flutist, and apparently a good singer. But can she pound the drums to the complex metal beats of Slipknot’s back catalog? Well, at least the mask would give her some anonymity…
Kate Middleton has been abducted by aliens
C’mon, you knew aliens were coming at some point. Though, given what we know about the British royals, life in Alpha Centauri with the Greys is probably way more normal than whatever goes on behind closed doors at Buckingham Palace. Though, now knowing the truth, we bet she wishes she had spent a few months on a flying saucer.
Published: Mar 25, 2024 06:30 am