The Kate Middleton drama proves it’s time to end the British monarchy while some dignity remains

Nobody can deny that the British Royal Family have had a good run. In the modern era, they’ve largely held up their end of the constitutional bargain by not interfering in political matters and dutifully turning up to open hospitals and leisure centers. The glue holding all this together was, of course, the late, great Queen Elizabeth II. But without her gnarled and reliable hand on the tiller? Well, it’s not going great is it?

King Charles III waited more than seven decades for the top job, but is now cancer-stricken. We don’t know his precise condition, but judging by his current appearance there’s a good chance his reign won’t stretch on too much longer. Then we’re staring down the barrel of King William: half the world is currently convinced he’s murdered his wife and the other half are pointing their fingers and jeering.

Beyond that we have the nauseating sight of Jeffrey Epstein’s BFF Prince Andrew sauntering around in public with a smug grin on his face. It’s a testament to the strength of his ego that he’s eager to be seen in public after having to be strongarmed into paying a gigantic financial settlement to a woman who very credibly accused him of raping her when she was a minor. There was a time when aristocrats would shove embarrassments like Andrew in a dusty attic and forget about them, but these days he’s practically welcomed back with open arms.

It’s time

All of this means that it’s time for William to stick a pin in the whole monarchy thing while at least a few positive vibes remain. Any good entertainer knows to go out on a high while the audience is demanding more, and throwing the towel in when Charles pops it would let them make a graceful exit.

You might think the closure of the monarchy would be a dark day for William, Kate and the gang but — let’s face it — backstage they’d be quietly celebrating. If we’ve learned one thing from the whole operation saga it’s that William and Kate prioritize their family’s privacy above all else, maintaining it even in the face of widespread mockery.

But the British public arguably has a right to know what’s going on with the family they’re paying to support and, when they vanish from the public eye, bizarre and humiliating stories flourish. As Wills and Kate clearly and rightly value their family’s welfare, who could blame them for putting George, Charlotte, and Louis first by pulling them out of the glare of the Royal spotlight?

A brighter future

Luckily for William and Kate, a path towards their happiness has already been laid out by Harry and Meghan. The Sussexes have established the model for the Windsors’ future: renouncing their ceremonial duties, but still maintaining a luxurious life and keeping up their charitable commitments. Surely it’s got to be tempting for William to glance across the Atlantic and wish he could spend his days making a podcast and a couple of Netflix documentaries rather than being an unwilling hostage to this mortifying tabloid psychodrama.

Nobody can deny tying a bow on the monarchy experiment wouldn’t be a complex process, but it has to be done sooner or later so they may as well get on with it at a relatively peaceful time and when they can set the schedule. William needs to ensure that the Royal palaces and their contents are bequeathed to the British public so they can be turned into lucrative tourist destinations, find comfortable homes for the various elderly vestigial Royals to while away their remaining years, use their immense personal wealth to ensure the Royal charities remain funded, and then embrace living as normal a life as possible. Heck, if they want to cut the ribbon on the occasional shopping mall for old time’s sake I’m sure the staff would happy to have them along for the day!

The alternative? A long, slow, and humiliating slide into mockery and irrelevancy that will inevitably end in the same outcome, though with the Royals brutally booted offstage with little say in the matter. Wouldn’t it be better for William and Kate to take a proud, dignified bow, gesture to the many good things they’ve achieved, and leave with their heads held high?

Or, to paraphrase a famous quote: “We had to destroy the monarchy in order to save it.”

So rise up monarchists, and help William and Kate do what’s clearly right for them and their children. The party is over, but it was fun while it lasted.