The infamous Fyre Festival is making its perilous return. After the disaster that was its 2017 debut, the Festival culminated in its impresario, Billy McFarland, being sent to jail, and not one but two documentaries about the event. In case you don’t remember, the luxurious thousand-dollar festival turned out to be disaster relief tents and cheese sandwiches.
If you were fortunate enough to miss out on the first installment of the festival, fear not. According to their website, part two will take place in the Caribbean in 2024. They have already sold the first 100 tickets but soon, the next tiers will be on sale for the low low price of $800 – $8,000.
In case a probably disastrous music festival is not what you want to spend your rent on in the foreseeable future, here are some better potential investments.
1. Barbie
According to Statista, the average cost of a movie ticket in the United States is just under $10 and a large popcorn can cost about the same. This means that you could see the Blockbuster and critically acclaimed Barbie movie between 40 and 400 times with the money you could spend attending the Fyre Festival, depending on your tier preference. Plus, you could see a movie that you know you will enjoy rather than a festival that you may not.
2. An annual pass to Disney World… or four
According to their website, you can get a deluxe annual pass to Walt Disney World for $1,400. That’s unlimited rides, character meet-ups, and Disney Adult fun for an entire year. Plus discounts on merchandise, food, and resort stays. The best part of this deal is you know exactly what you’re getting into. Whereas with the Fyre Festival Founder’s prison pipe dream, you may not. Better yet, you can get nearly three annual passes for the price of one top-tier Fyre Festival ticket.
3. Airpod Maxes
The iconic, but expensive, chunky headwear took off right alongside hot girl walks last year. One pair of Apple Airpod Maxes costs about $400. Plus, they come in a wide array of colors including pink, green, black, and white. For the price of one, bottom-tier Fyre Festival ticket, you can purchase two pairs. And if you’re really shooting for the top tier, then you could have 20 pairs in your future. It’s unclear what exactly you would do with that many Airpod Maxes, but it’s also unclear what exactly you would be doing at Fyre Festival. So win-win.
4. Wendy’s 4 for 4
Even though Wendy’s has reduced the options for their classic 4 for 4 combo, it remains just that, a classic. Enjoy the delicious taste of a Junior Cheeseburger, nuggets, fries, and a drink for only four dollars. And after saving your money on Fyre Festival tickets you can enjoy 200 of these classic combos. And if you’re feeling really wild you can expand to a five-dollar combo, although you’d have to limit yourself to 160 of those. Either way, it is better than a medical tent and a cheese sandwich.
5. Tickets to Coachella
If you’re going to spend money on a music festival, you may as well spend it on the king of all music festivals. Coachella is world-renowned and well-reviewed and has never had a documentary made about its extreme failure. Plus, the top tier for this festival is only $1000. So you and seven of your closest friends can enjoy the music and lack of emergency tents for the same price that just you could not enjoy the Carribean with Fyre.
6. A trip to Paris
According to Champion Travel, the average cost of a week-long stay in Paris for a solo traveler is $1,500. That includes flights, accommodations, and eating at local restaurants. Now that’s a vacation you have total control over, and you really won’t have to eat cheese sandwiches and stay in a tent if you don’t want to. Sure, you may miss out on whatever musical guests will be at the festival, but as you’re wandering the streets of Paris, that probably won’t come up.
7. A pair of Louboutins
A pair of the famous red-bottom Christian Louboutin pumps can cost more than $1000. They are likely a waste of money, and chances are there aren’t a whole lot of places you could wear them, but you would be saving yourself $7000 on a Fyre Festival VIP pass. Plus you will likely feel like a VIP, treating your feet to such beautiful shoes. And if you’re going to waste money, waste it on something people will be jealous of, not something that will earn you looks of concern and horror.
8. Your rent
According to Rent Cafe, the average American spends $1,700. That’s approximately four VIP Fyre Festival tickets. Now, if you can afford to spend four months’ rent on Fyre Festival Tickets, good on you. It just may be better to save that money for something else in the above list, or maybe just keep paying your rent, and save up for a nicer apartment.
9. A pony
As a child, it’s many a horse girl’s dream to one day own a pony of her own. In case there is any crossover between potential Fyre Festival goers and former horse girls, boy is there a solution for you. Rather than spending a thousand dollars on a cursed festival, you could spend that money to get a horse of your very own. Seriously, according to Spruce Pets, buying an equestrian friend can cost an average of a thousand dollars. The memories of your horse companion will probably last you just as long as trauma from the Fyre Festival will.
10. Season Ticket to the Jacksonville Jaguars
Even if you don’t have a particular interest in football, the Jaguars, or spending any time in Florida, you have to admit that this is a steal. According to Ticket Smarter, it’s only $2000 for all of the games you’d ever want to go to. If the number of games is only one, you’ve still saved $6000 not going to Fyre Festival, and you got to experience the comradery, fun, and intensity of a football game. Plus the team is easy on the eyes, and you didn’t have to sleep in a tent.
If you’re seriously considering attending the second installment of Fyre Festival, at the very least proceed with caution. Maybe do some research, watch the documentaries, and figure out if it’s really something you want to spend the money to experience, or if it may be better to watch other people experience it from the comfort of your own home, eating a Wendy’s four for four, wearing Louboutins, and petting your horse.
Published: Aug 24, 2023 05:03 pm