Holy Sh…ark! The 13 Worst Horror Movies Of 2014

11) SX_Tape

Found footage movies aren’t only for indie hopefuls these days, as even known horror directors are willing to give the camera a good shake to see if they discover the next Paranormal Activity. Bernard Rose, of Candyman fame, is the latest such talent to attempt such a task – a task better left to those who understand what makes found footage tick.

SX_Tape tries to be the next tantalizing erotic thriller by blending softcore pornography with a ghost story scarily reminiscent to Grave Encounters – like a billion films before it – but fails mightily to set a single memorable scene sans a crotch-grabbing ending.

The plot revolves around a boyfriend and girlfriend who break into an abandoned mental asylum or something (does it matter), they get to humping, the boyfriend thinks he hears something, leaves his hottie strapped to a gurney, and she becomes possessed by something on camera. He comes back, thinks nothing happened, and so begins an inevitably dark walk through a maze of hospital rooms (again, generic horror location, who cares). Some more characters show up, but they’re extremely despicable and you’ll hate them. We then suffer through their decisions and the movie ends.

That’s it.

10) Sharknado 2: The Second One

I’m not sure what aggravates me more – living in a world where Sharknado has become a defining “B-Movie” amongst more mainstream crowds, or accepting the inevitable task of reviewing Sharknado 3: [insert effortlessly “clever” title here]. Even though SyFy pumps similar titles out like Arachnoquake and the upcoming Lavalantula, Sharknado somehow became the next damn American classic, as studio execs woke up to viewer ratings in the millions. Sharknado fever was sweeping the nation, and no one could have been unhappier than myself.

Shipping Ian Ziering and a barely-sober Tara Ried to New York City for some more nauseating shark puns and plenty of Mets digs, this dastardly sequel tears down landmarks strewn about the five boroughs with reckless abandon and aggressive stupidity. Sure, there are plenty of hilarious cameos (Ted Striker flying an airplane, Judd Hirsch driving a cab), but where Sharknado was something new and ridiculous, Sharknado 2: The Second One felt like a rushed sequel without any regard for creativity. People wanted more flying sharks, and I’ll be damned if SyFy was going to make them wait!

Sharknado 2: The Second One isn’t funny, scary, or toothy enough to elevate itself above the usual Asylum playing field polluting your Saturday nights. The franchise is a social media juggernaut built on cross-promotions and hashtags, opting for marketing stunts over enjoyable filmmaking.

Here’s a quote from my original review of Sharknado 2: The Second One to sum things up:

You can’t really call Sharknado 2: The Second One a “movie,” as it’s more an elongated commercial for Coors Light and Subway sandwich shops featuring a relentless barrage of C-List celebrities (being generous) who you’ll need to Google just to remember their relevance.