First, let’s make it crystal clear that you have every reason to wish for more Christmas with the Kranks movies. The franchise’s universe leaves so much room for world building. The Kranks hated Christmas at the beginning of their first movie, then, at the end, they didn’t. You’d be crazy not to wonder what happens next.
Then along comes good news. The trees and the hills and the social media posts whisper rumors of more Kranks yet to come. Who knows what the sequel could have in store? Maybe the Kranks hate Christmas again. Maybe, 20 years later, their kids need to be taught the meaning of the holidays. Maybe a meteor hit Riverside, Illinois, turning the city into a Christmasless apocalyptic wasteland. Only the Kranks could fix something like that. Or, I don’t know. Maybe it’s Easter this time. Whatever.
“But there’s no they’re actually coming back, right?” you think aloud to a room, empty save for you, your laptop, and the hole in your heart where Christmas with the Kranks 2 should have been.
And then someone like Facebook concept artist YODA BBY ABY pokes their head in, claiming to have an exclusive first-look poster from Christmas with the Kranks 2. They’ve got your number, friend. By golly, you can almost taste the Kranks.
Bad news, Krank heads. You’ve been taken advantage of – bamboozled by Krank shysters and uncaring Krank cons. YODA BBY ABY is the same cat that convinced hapless optimists that there was a new Polar Express movie coming out a few weeks ago. This is his game. His sick, Krankless game.
There is no sequel to 2004’s Christmas with the Kranks, just as there was no sequel to the book it was based on, the 2001 bestseller Skipping Christmas by John Grisham. For what it’s worth, the first movie didn’t exactly set the box office on fire, pulling in around $95 million on a $60 million budget and failing to capture the nascent, post-Santa Clause holiday season nostalgia surrounding Tim Allen. It boasts a 5% critical approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, making it less well received than fellow 2004 comedy White Chicks, in which a Wayans brother accidentally eats dairy and then makes silly noises on a toilet for a while. Roger Ebert gave Christmas with the Kranks one star, calling it “not funny, ever, in any way, beginning to end.” To sum up, it would be so, so, so weird if they made a sequel to Christmas with the Kranks.
And that’s alright, because nobody’s going to. At least not this year. Or ever, if we remain vigilant.
