Anyone who’s written fiction will know that naming characters is surprisingly tricky. Some authors peruse baby-naming websites, others combine the names of people in their lives, and some even stroll through cemeteries and pinch names from old gravestones.
Then there are those who just toss their hands up in the air and give their characters the dumbest and most unlikely names imaginable. So, here are ten movie characters that you’d raise an eyebrow at if you were introduced to them at a party:
Spurgeon “Fish” Tanner (Deep Impact)
In Deep Impact, Robert Duvall’s Spurgeon “Fish” Tanner is the former astronaut chosen to pilot the ship assigned to destroy the comet threatening Earth. I’ve never met a Spurgeon and you probably haven’t either, as even at the height of its popularity among parents in 1895, only a few hundred baby Spurgeons were ever spawned.
That said, there’s one semi-notable modern Spurgeon, one of reality stars Ben Seward and Jessa Duggar’s children from 19 Kids and Counting bears this strange moniker.
Stacker Pentecost (Pacific Rim)
When Mommy and Daddy Pentecost were naming their new kid, they went hard. Pacific Rim‘s Stacker Pentecost may have a truly stupid name, but it somehow fits in this crazy world of interdimensional kaiju and giant jet-powered dual-piloted robots. Idris Elba promptly delivers a scenery-chewing performance worthy of this barnstorming, but deeply silly, name.
Beatrix Kiddo (Kill Bill Vols 1 & 2)
Let’s say there’s probably a good reason Uma Thurman’s badass assassin in the Kill Bill movies prefers to go by “The Bride” and that her name is bleeped out in Vol. 1. Legend has it Thurman and Quentin Tarantino named the character together, with Thurman opting for “Beatrix” and Tarantino choosing “Kiddo” because “that’s what I call women — when I really like a girl, I call her kiddo”. Uh, sure Quentin.
Nymphadora Tonks (Harry Potter series)
Sorry, Potter fans, but Nymphadora Tonks is particularly silly even among the many odd names strewn across the Wizarding World. Even the character herself seems to be embarrassed by her first name, preferring to go simply by Tonks – which itself is kinda dumb, but not as dumb as Nymphadora.
Pistachio Disguisey (The Master of Disguise)
Okay look, I know The Master of Disguise is a goofy comedy movie and I’ve tried to exclude names from this list that are purposefully silly. But Pistachio Disguisey? Really? C’mon Dana Carvey. Perhaps it’s for the best that this movie (which sits at an impressive 1% on the Tomatometer) is now primarily known for holding a moment of silent respect for the victims of 9/11 while Carvey was dressed in a giant green ‘turtle suit’ (see above).
Jericho Cane (End of Days)
Hmm, we need a name for Arnie in our ill-conceived biblical action/horror movie. How about Jericho Cain? No, no that’s too obvious, let’s go with Jericho Cane. Arnie has played some very stupidly named characters over the years (John Matrix, Harry Tasker, Dutch Schaefer, Victor Fries, etc) but for sheer ‘bludgeon you over the head with the movie’s themes’ Jericho Cane is by far the top candidate.
Flipper Purify (Jungle Fever)
Flipper… Purify? That’s not a name, Spike Lee! Those are just random words! Lee’s 1991 movie Jungle Fever sees Wesley Snipes play Flipper, a successful architect. It’s an excellent movie and also boasts a career-making performance from Samuel L. Jackson as Flipper’s brother named… wait for it… Gator Purify. What on earth were Mr and Mrs Purify thinking?
Dr. Christmas Jones (The World is Not Enough)
I one hundred percent guarantee the only reason Denise Richards’ somewhat unlikely nuclear scientist in James Bond movie The World is Not Enough is named Christmas Jones is so he can deliver the smarmy line “I thought Christmas only comes once a year” just before the credits roll. When you’re naming characters entirely for one awful joke, you’ve screwed up.
Hale Caesar (The Expendables series)
The Expendables franchise is littered with awful names. The worst has to be Donnie Yen’s “martial arts specialist” character Yin Yang (… eesh), the most head-scratching is Randy Couture’s demolition expert Toll Road (??), but the dumbest is Terry Crews’ heavy weapons guy Hale Caesar. I guess with a name like that you have two options: blowing away enemies with a giant shotgun or porn. Hale picked the shotgun.
Johnny Goodboy (Battlefield Earth)
Far be it from us to criticize the literary talents of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, though perhaps calling the hero of your post-apocalyptic saga Johnny Goodboy is just a little on the nose. Barry Pepper would get the unfortunate job of playing Goodboy in the famously dreadful 2000 movie adaptation, which Roger Ebert compared to “taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It’s not merely bad; it’s unpleasant in a hostile way.”
