WGTC Weekly Throwdown: Not So Classic Fairy Tale Adaptations

Nato – Red Riding Hood

How do you properly destroy a Hollywood fairy tale movie? I don’t know, but why don’t you just ask the mightiest vampire slayer in all the land – Catherine Hardwicke (Twilight).

Yes, director Catherine Hardwicke and writer David Johnson effectively created the Twilight equivalent to a fairy tale by doing everything wrong. What could have been a Gothic treat was derailed by numerous choices which originally turned serious cinema fans off to Stephenie Meyers’ vampire love story franchise, wasting potential and every audience member’s time simultaneously.

I mean, where do I start? The original story is about a girl named Little Red Riding Hood who is tricked and eaten by a wolf disguised as her grandmother – some variations having a lumberjack cut them out of the wolf’s stomach while others have the lumberjack saving them right as the wolf advances on the youngster.  When thought about as a mature R rated re-telling, how awesome would it be to see the fabled tale culminate in a visually epic ending of gore-tastic possibilities showing some burly lumberjack type setting Red Riding Hood and her grandmother free by slicing open the wolf’s stomach?! F%ck you childhood!

Instead we get another pouty young actress playing the lead role (Amanda Seyfried), an unnecessary love triangle that made Seyfried’s character extremely unlikable, a confusingly misplaced Gary Oldman, a story about pre-teen angst that was much more annoying than predicted, and the pussiest Big Bad Wolf I could have ever expected.

Apparently, to be a character in any one of Hardwicke’s films, there has to be something depressing about you love life. Be it losing a lover, being forced into a loveless relationship, or having to choose between lovers: Hardwicke is all about dramatic relationships. Too bad she has no idea how to successfully implement said drama without coming off tacky and laughable. I’m really surprised somebody didn’t just start sparkling for the hell of it, I mean there was a werewolf again, why not?

Good lord, if I ever have to watch Catherine Hardwicke butcher teenage love again, I think I might give up on movies. I hoped it wasn’t possible, but she was able to translate everything that was shit from Twilight into a different era in time. There’s a ferocious wolf on the loose, and Valerie is too busy crying because two guys are in love with her? Hmm…who do I pick. The dreamy commoner? The dapper rich boy? WHY IS LIFE SO DIFFICULT – which was the whole freakin’ movie by the way.

And the wolf!? Please. Again, every trailer was hiding the wolf like it was some hideous monster and not seeing it in the trailer would be some kind of payoff. Well, it was exactly what you’d expect. A wolf. Just a big wolf. That was strong. And ran really fast. Nothing special. Nothing eccentric. Not that it was a bad thing, but don’t try to convince us there’s something special about your villain.

Love in the time of fairy tales – only horribly executed. Sorry Catherine Hardwicke, but I just hope your next project Plush doesn’t make the same mistakes, but we all know it will.