WGTC Weekly Throwdown: Which Cinematic Witch Casts The Most Enchanting Spell?

Nato – Elvira (Elvira: Mistress Of The Dark)

Being the horror freak I am, picking my favorite witch is a damn hard decision. So many sexy spell-casting seductresses have been brewing up magical potions and tormenting normal humans over the years, but a few have proved much worthier broom-riders than others. With that said, there is one super easy pick that no one in the history of horror can argue (completely not true) – Elvira.

Yes, how do you go any farther than one of the most tantalizing female icons in horror, the Mistress of Darkness herself.  I mean how can you get past that gigantic 80s hairstyle, pasty-pale vampire-esque skin, voluptuous lips, slamming body, monstrous…umm…”eyes.” I mean “eyes” you can stare at for days, “eyes” she flaunts with confident swagger, “eyes” which gleam like blinding high-beams shining bright from an oncoming tractor trailer – Elvira has some of the most famous “eyes” in history amongst the likes of Dolly Parton and Pamala Anderson.

Sure, she isn’t a conventional witch like Sabrina or Hermione, but hell, a long-time horror hostess who thinks a dark book of spells is actually a cook book still counts as witchcraft to me, right? Who cares if she doesn’t even realize it until she mistakenly makes a creature for dinner when trying to impress her cinematic crush, she still made the damn monster out of a mystical recipe!

Yes, while Elvira: Mistress of the Dark isn’t exactly the best horror comedy you’ll ever see, it is pretty damn fun. Not like classy fun, more like trashy ’80s horror comedy fun with plenty of perverted humor and some cool monsters to give the whole thing a cheesy horror edge. That’s what’s great about the ’80s and Elvira though, the whole unapologetic and exploitative nature of the material which absolutely acknowledges the type of garbage entertainment it’s aiming for while completely achieving the right amount of schlock and stupidity to bring it all together.

Elvira herself embodies every bit of the above mentioned personality herself, being the bloodline and heartbeat of the movie, and again exists as the perfect perpetuation of a unique set of horror ideals. She’s overly sexual and flaunts nothing but man-eating power with her skimpy clothes, delivers this cringe-worth one-liners you just can’t help but chuckle at, plays a wonderful hostess part, and works magnificently with others. Oh yeah, then there’s the whole witchcraft, demon summoning side of her which makes her even hotter because hey, who isn’t attracted to that freaky goth chick type girl? There’s something dangerous about liking a female who can seemingly end your life in a matter of words, curious at the pleasure you can both achieve as well.

Sorry, you can keep your pre-pubescent wizard school attendees and kiddie movie star witches, I’ll take the full-bodied vixen who stole the hearts of America – and then ate them for dinner.