Latest Political Tea: Gutter rat Gaetz begs for cash as Don does the dump dance and Marj gives ‘brainless banshee’ new meaning

The great holiday hangover has descended upon us once again, folks. There’s nothing left but the fading scent of pumpkin spice and the cold, hard truth that we’ve devoured our body weight in mashed potatoes… again.

But as Turkey Day retreats, let’s look on the bright side — at least we weren’t stuck passing the gravy to Matt Gaetz at the family gathering as he entertains us with tales of his latest “adventures” with minors. A moment of silence for Gaetz’s sister-in-law, Roxanne Luckey — girl, we’re sending you our deepest sympathies.

Fortunately, Gaetz has been gated off from polite society. But don’t celebrate too soon, as it seems he’s found a sneaky way to barge back into our lives via Cameo. Birthdays, anniversaries, and yes, even your dog’s bar mitzvah are now all fair game as he smirks his way onto the personalized video platform to make himself a quick buck. And guess what? Another clown equally unworthy of the cabinet is joining him. You guessed it: Lauren “Bobo” Boebert is now his partner in Cameo misdemeanors, squeezing in shout-outs between grandmotherly duties and her son’s court dates.

At least Boebert pretends to be hustling, which is more than we can say for her compatriot in chaos, Marjorie Taylor Greene. When Marj isn’t busy spinning tales about Jewish space lasers, playing bathroom bouncer, or witnessing Democrats’ weather wizardry, she’s occupied with earth-shattering tasks like renaming post offices. Gentle reminder that your tax dollars are fueling these pivotal contributions. As MTG takes on the role of top doggy DOGE, what can we expect? More of the same revolutionary non-achievements, no doubt. We’re right there with AOC, shaking our heads and saying, “Enjoy, fellas!” 

Thankfully, as we shuffle past this carnival of kooks, there’s also chatter that Kamala Harris is suiting up for another rumble. As we breathe a sigh of relief over that revelation, let’s take a deep breath and review another week filled with idiotic and generally unfathomable rumblings from the biggest idiots in American politics.

Matt Gaetz’s new gig proves some Americans have zero financial literacy

Matt Gaetz has only been “funemployed” for a few days now, but like any good Republican, the disgraced politician has already found a way to whore himself out to the public. Like his former colleague, sentient turd George Santos, the 40-year-old Gaetz has fled to Cameo, a website where anyone can purchase personalized short videos from celebrities. For just 500 bucks, his adoring fans can hear a few words of whatever the alleged pedophile considers wisdom. What a steal!

As a member of Congress, Gaetz raked in around $174k a year, so he shouldn’t be that strapped for cash, but even Santos admitted to being a whopping $800k in debt when he joined the site. Now that he’s unemployed, perhaps Gaetz is just desperate for a little something to line his pockets. Whatever his reasons, the former senator’s wife, Ginger Gaetz, still has his back. She jumped on social media to celebrate her man’s decision to step back from his nomination, but her attempts to make her rat-faced husband look like James Bond fell just as flat as his career. Gaetz has been one of the loudest MAGA cheerleaders over the last few years, but now that he’s of no more use to Daddy Trump, we can’t wait to see how quickly he follows Rudy Giuliani’s short trip to rock bottom.

Sorry, MAGAts: Queen Kamala is not giving up

There’s no denying that Kamala Harris ran an absolutely incredible 2024 campaign. She entered the race remarkably late, was a clear underdog from the start, and yet managed to stir up enough energy to inspire over 74 million people to vote for her ⏤ a feat nothing short of superheroic. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to topple dumpy Donald, which means we’re headed fast into another four years of depravity, mismanagement, and constant stress. Fun!

Four years is a long time, but it also goes by in a flash. And the next four years could be capped by our first female president — for real this time — if rumors about Harris’ plans for the future are to be believed. Though we’ll have to endure another hellish swath of mindless Trump years before it can come to pass, another Harris ticket might be in our future, meaning there’s a light — however small — at the end of the orange-tinted tunnel.

To get the rest of the delectable tea, which this week includes Marjorie Taylor Greene’s quest for a brain, stinky Don’s raging hypocrisy, and Lauren Boebert’s head-scratching new hobby, be sure to sign up for WGTC’s They Said What?! Newsletter.