‘Phony sellout traitor’ Marjorie Taylor Greene now blames the COVID vaccine for cancer, which was first discovered in 3000 BC

With only a few weeks separating us from the 2024 election, America’s worst politicians are working overtime to rewrite the narrative and twist U.S. voters into their favor.

Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert, both of whom face increasing pushback from state-side citizens with active grey matter, are at the front of the pack, as they lie and evade their way through the final weeks of their campaigns. Greene, well-known for her reliance on conspiracy theories to rile voters into a frenzy, has turned her gaze from those Democrat-controlled hurricanes to a much more widespread danger: Cancer.

That’s right, MTG has officially discovered the true cause of cancer, actual centuries after the disease was first detected. Apparently all we needed to cure the devastating disease was the input of a bleach blonde blockhead, because Greene quickly pinned the blame on a familiar culprit. That’s right, folks, all those cancer cases? They’re actually the result of the COVID-19 vaccines we’ve been injecting ourselves with over the last few years.

My mom’s cancer, which was successfully eradicated in 2004? Cause by the COVID vaccines. My grandmother’s, which was detected just months ahead of my mother’s? Also clearly a vaccine case. Even Christina Applegate’s 2008 breast cancer diagnosis was clearly caused by the vaccines developed across 2020. It all finally makes sense.

Obviously, Greene is talking out of her you-kn0w-what with the absurd claim that cancer cases are linked to the COVID vaccine, but who’s surprised. This woman has built an entire career on frightening falsehoods and absurd, bombastic claims, and she’s getting desperate. Pulling out the big dogs — or the big C — is quite clearly a last-ditch effort to convince American voters that only Greene and Daddy Trump have the power to stop government-controlled disasters and COVID-caused disease.

Nevermind that cancer was first detected in 3000 BC — you know, when Troy and the oldest proto-urban development in Jordan were founded. The earliest distributed COVID vaccines, meanwhile, were reaching Americans in December of 2020. That’s only a gap of a few thousand years, so Greene’s math definitely checks out.

Now, it’s quite clear that Greene wasn’t making an attempt to pin all cancer cases, particularly historically, on the COVID-19 vaccines, but if she’s going to act like a brainless idiot, we’re going to treat her like one. Greene is actually indicating, in her pathetic fearmongering tweet, that the COVID-19 vaccines caused an uptick in cancer cases over the last few years.

It is true that more instances of cancer have been detected in 2024 than in any year previously, but that was also true for 2023. And 2022, 2021, 2020, and every year previous. It’s an unfortunate fact that cancer cases have been on an exponential rise for decades — essentially since we first started tracking the disease. This is a result of a huge number of factors, including plenty that have yet to be discovered, but none of them are — so far as researchers have found — linked to the vaccines.

Cancer is a horror. It has likely affected almost every single person reading this story in some way or another, and Greene knows that. She understands the deep scars cancer leaves on individuals and families, and she’s trying to use that pain against us. She’s trying to replace facts with falsehoods, and for at least a few people, it will work.