Since 1999, the animated sitcom Family Guy has explored an elastic animated universe that allows the characters to do anything, from traveling through time to exploring the eternal struggle between man and giant chickens.
But one thing that remains consistent from episode to episode is the relationship between its characters, centered on the Griffins; Peter, the titular family guy, his wife Lois, daughter Meg, son Chris, the baby Stewie, and their talking dog Brian. The regular cast of characters includes their friends; Joe the disabled cop, Cleveland the Black family man, and Glen Quagmire, the eternal horndog. Although they’re all highly dysfunctional and have their fights, at the end of the day the Griffins and their friends remain close- except Quagmire and Brian.
In the eighth season episode “Jerome is the New Black,” Brian finally confronts Quagmire and asks Glen why, despite Brian’s constant attempts to befriend him, he remains unfriendly. In a moment where the show lets down its veneer of silliness and allows its characters to get real, Quagmire lets loose with an eleven-point list of Brian’s character defects in an epic monologue that instantly became one of the series’ most memorable moments:
- Even though Peter is Brian’s best friend, Brian constantly hits on Lois, even when Peter pays for his food and saved him from certain death. And he repays Peter by defecating all over his yard.
- He tells Brian that he’s a “sponge,” and when asked to pay, he always says that he’ll “get you later,” but this “later” never comes.
- Brian pretends to be a deep guy who loves women for their souls when, in reality, he only dates bimbos. Quagmire admits that he does the same thing, but the difference between him and Brian is that he is at least honest about who he is.
- He then accuses Brian of buying his dates Catcher in the Rye to feel superior explaining it to them, and further tells Brian that he only identifies with the protagonist, Holden Caulfield, because they’re both spoiled brats and pretentious.
- Brian is a terrible writer, and when he wrote a fake note to Quagmire from Cheryl Tiegs, he knew that Tiegs didn’t write it because she would never have made the obvious spelling mistakes Brian makes.
- Brian espouses liberal beliefs about legalizing marijuana and helping the homeless, but does nothing to help. Quagmire explains that he at least volunteers at the soup kitchen, and if he wants to help, he should “grab a ladle!”
- Brian thinks he’s better than everyone else because he drives a Prius. Quagmire tell Brian that “driving a Prius doesn’t make you Jesus Christ!”
- He then objects to Brian looking down on people who are religious as “idiots.”
- And that the dog has no right to look down on anyone because he failed college twice.
- Brian is a failure as a father and never sees his son.
- And finally, he says he would be able to forgive all of the above if Brian weren’t such a “sad, alcoholic bore.”
This memorable scene is extremely relatable for anyone who has been holding back their building anger against someone they secretly despise. At least, Quagmire got to have his much-needed moment of catharsis.
