With so many different horror classifications now in existence and so many different aspects to discuss, guest writer Remy Carreiro and I decided to start a weekly column in which we’ll hack and slash our way through a bevy of terrifying topics. Zombies pound against our door, vampires fly overhead, killers lurk around every dimly lit corner, but we’re here to make sense of it all. Wait, is that Bruce Campbell? Nope, drats. This is it then, Nato and Remy’s Last Stand.
But who are we? Since we’re all about horror, what better way to introduce ourselves than with our own eulogies?!
Though few people knew he was twelve years old due to one of those weird diseases that makes you look older than you are, most knew that Remy had a real penchant for living life. In his short time here on Earth, he was a teacher, a rioter, an actor, a model, a fluffer, a director, a counselor, and a writer. It seemed like he took the most joy in his small stint as porn star Red Savage, but his family asked us not to focus on his porn career, and focus more on his writing.
Though he got some acclaim for his run at Unreality, he seemed to take the most pride in RemyCarreiro.com, the site he set up to easily find himself a liver donor. Though he died before he had a chance to do that, his dreams were big, and he would stop at nothing to reach those.
“Rapey” and “disturbing” are two words he had heard used about his writing, and those two words were enough to convince him he was pursuing the right career.
No one knows how a piano was dropped on him, in his apartment, and we are still looking for anyone who might know something, but one TV channel said his death was “Looney Tunes-esque,” and for Remy, that was the ultimate accomplishment of all.
Remy was survived by a girlfriend who was slightly too attractive for him, and a dwarf bunny named Trix Nasty. Both have quickly moved on, sadly.
Also, the following “horror column” with Matt Donato was said to have been found in his apartment, done weeks in advance, scrawled on multiple rolls of toilet paper.
Even in death, there is no denying that Remy was a strange guy.
Matt Donato (Nato):
Keeping the depths of his horror obsession hidden for years, who knew the genre love Matt possessed would eventually take his life. Late one night while binging on Code Red Mountain Dew and Buffalo Chicken Pizza during the tail end of a 72-hour horror movie marathon, Matt’s heart exploded on an overdose of caffeine and straight-up swagger.
Starting the humble little film blog CinemaScrutiny.com with some buddies back in college, Matt got his first big break right here at We Got This Covered, leaving a legacy of left field horror reviews behind. Anyone can watch mainstream horror, but it takes special dedication to sift through dud after unknown dud like Matt could, attributing the repeated self-abuse to his slowly slipping sanity. Let’s be honest, if the alarming amounts of genuine swagger and artificial energy didn’t kill him, movies like Area 407 eventually would have.
Matt was a man of little wealth, but a few prized possessions were distributed amongst his most loved friends and family. First to go were his two Schecter model guitars, one Crimson Red Damien Elite, the other a black marbled Omen. If anything could sooth Nato after a grueling day, it was shredding the sweet riffs of Killswitch Engage. Second to be handed down was his extensive movie collection, filled with such timeless classics as Feast and Dead Snow. Suffice it to say, his grandmother was a tad confused when she received such a gift.
But in death, Matt finally found the peace and quite he needed to fully embrace his love for writing, possessing random authors from beyond the grave to post his ghastly musings. Taking too long to find his hidden passion, Matt finished achieving a Business degree at Hofstra University and scored Project Management job right out of college, but dissecting cinema had always been his true love and favorite hobby.
His ghost also likes to haunt for fun, and is a pretty big dick. Think of Paranormal Activity before stuff gets real, moving keys and keeping people awake. Ever get a wet willy from a ghost?
Matt was often warmly described as a “decent guy,” remembered so fondly by his closest friends as a “pretty OK dude,” but as a ghost, such gleaming compliments lost all meaning.
As Cage The Elephant so eloquently put it, “There ain’t no rest for the wicked, until we close our eyes for good.” Apparently they didn’t know there’s still plenty to do after you’ve died, and you actually have time for a change.
Today’s Topic: What Scares Us?!
So as the first installment in this series, both Remy and I wanted to get a little personal with ya’ll. The point here isn’t to critically assess the scariest movies of all time, but instead create an open dialogue and offer you readers a look inside ourselves as people with our own unique fears and personalities. One person might cite heights as a fear, another clowns, another yellow fruit…every one of us is just a scared little snowflake unlike any other. So, without further mumbling, let’s kick this thing off, and I’ll start.