With so many different horror classifications now in existence and so many different aspects to discuss, guest writer Remy Carreiro and I decided to start a weekly column in which we’ll hack and slash our way through a bevy of terrifying topics. Zombies pound against our door, vampires fly overhead, killers lurk around every dimly lit corner, but we’re here to make sense of it all. Wait, is that Bruce Campbell? Nope, drats. This is it then, Nato and Remy’s Last Stand.
But who are we? Since we’re all about horror, what better way to introduce ourselves than with our own eulogies?!
Though few people knew he was twelve years old due to one of those weird diseases that makes you look older than you are, most knew that Remy had a real penchant for living life. In his short time here on Earth, he was a teacher, a rioter, an actor, a model, a fluffer, a director, a counselor, and a writer. It seemed like he took the most joy in his small stint as porn star Red Savage, but his family asked us not to focus on his porn career, and focus more on his writing.
Though he got some acclaim for his run at Unreality, he seemed to take the most pride in RemyCarreiro.com, the site he set up to easily find himself a liver donor. Though he died before he had a chance to do that, his dreams were big, and he would stop at nothing to reach those.
“Rapey” and “disturbing” are two words he had heard used about his writing, and those two words were enough to convince him he was pursuing the right career.
No one knows how a piano was dropped on him, in his apartment, and we are still looking for anyone who might know something, but one TV channel said his death was “Looney Tunes-esque,” and for Remy, that was the ultimate accomplishment of all.
Remy was survived by a girlfriend who was slightly too attractive for him, and a dwarf bunny named Trix Nasty. Both have quickly moved on, sadly.
Also, the following “horror column” with Matt Donato was said to have been found in his apartment, done weeks in advance, scrawled on multiple rolls of toilet paper.
Even in death, there is no denying that Remy was a strange guy.
Matt Donato (Nato):
Keeping the depths of his horror obsession hidden for years, who knew the genre love Matt possessed would eventually take his life. Late one night while binging on Code Red Mountain Dew and Buffalo Chicken Pizza during the tail end of a 72-hour horror movie marathon, Matt’s heart exploded on an overdose of caffeine and straight-up swagger.
Starting the humble little film blog CinemaScrutiny.com with some buddies back in college, Matt got his first big break right here at We Got This Covered, leaving a legacy of left field horror reviews behind. Anyone can watch mainstream horror, but it takes special dedication to sift through dud after unknown dud like Matt could, attributing the repeated self-abuse to his slowly slipping sanity. Let’s be honest, if the alarming amounts of genuine swagger and artificial energy didn’t kill him, movies like Area 407 eventually would have.
Matt was a man of little wealth, but a few prized possessions were distributed amongst his most loved friends and family. First to go were his two Schecter model guitars, one Crimson Red Damien Elite, the other a black marbled Omen. If anything could sooth Nato after a grueling day, it was shredding the sweet riffs of Killswitch Engage. Second to be handed down was his extensive movie collection, filled with such timeless classics as Feast and Dead Snow. Suffice it to say, his grandmother was a tad confused when she received such a gift.
But in death, Matt finally found the peace and quite he needed to fully embrace his love for writing, possessing random authors from beyond the grave to post his ghastly musings. Taking too long to find his hidden passion, Matt finished achieving a Business degree at Hofstra University and scored Project Management job right out of college, but dissecting cinema had always been his true love and favorite hobby.
His ghost also likes to haunt for fun, and is a pretty big dick. Think of Paranormal Activity before stuff gets real, moving keys and keeping people awake. Ever get a wet willy from a ghost?
Matt was often warmly described as a “decent guy,” remembered so fondly by his closest friends as a “pretty OK dude,” but as a ghost, such gleaming compliments lost all meaning.
As Cage The Elephant so eloquently put it, “There ain’t no rest for the wicked, until we close our eyes for good.” Apparently they didn’t know there’s still plenty to do after you’ve died, and you actually have time for a change.
Today’s Topic: What Scares Us?!
So as the first installment in this series, both Remy and I wanted to get a little personal with ya’ll. The point here isn’t to critically assess the scariest movies of all time, but instead create an open dialogue and offer you readers a look inside ourselves as people with our own unique fears and personalities. One person might cite heights as a fear, another clowns, another yellow fruit…every one of us is just a scared little snowflake unlike any other. So, without further mumbling, let’s kick this thing off, and I’ll start.Next
Nato – Paranormal Activity
Yes, I’m completely aware numerous people found this film to be a crock of shite worth nothing less than a Ghost Hunters spin-off gone sour, but I was one of the many who did not. To put it delicately, Oren Peli’s paranormal horror haunted me for weeks after viewing. To put it crudely, Oren Peli f@cked up my nights for what seemed like a sleepless eternity. Seriously, I dreaded going to sleep, darting my eyes around my dimly lit college dorm waiting for a book to fall, a door to shut, or a flippin’ body to be thrown through my pitch black doorway. Honest to goodness, I got home from a midnight screening to an empty dorm suite for the weekend, and you bet your ass I slept with my light on, door shut, TV on…and still was petrified at the smallest footstep or voice outside.
So why did it hit me so hard? I fear what I can’t see the most. No joke. I can watch every slasher in the book, every Friday the 13th, every A Nightmare on Elm Street…you won’t get a true rise out of me. Yet, “show” me a malevolent being which can be standing a mere foot from my face, just relishing in the horrors it’s about to put me through, and you sir have effectively invaded my sanity. You can’t fight something like this, or predict its actions, or even see something coming, yet it knows YOUR every move. Plus, then drawing such being’s existence to heaven and hell and the afterlife…no thank you!Previous Next
Remy – Dawn of the Dead (1978)
The original Dawn of the Dead. That was it. I was in the fourth grade, peaking through the banisters on my stairs as my Dad and brother watched this classic. I knew NOTHING about zombies at that point, so I had no idea why those “blue people” were ripping apart humans and eating them, but I was also too young to be watching it, and was being a total ninja, so I couldn’t cry out and ask my Dad and brother what the hell was going on. I just sat there, transfixed, and sick with terror. That started my “closet” obsession with horror, and it also instilled a huge, irrational fear of zombies in me, that I have kept with me for most of my life.
Looking back, it was Tom Savini’s makeup on that film that did it for me. The bites and headshots, all of it was so visceral and perfect. My young mind could not even fathom how the deaths were “simulated” for film. As far as I was concerned, I was watching people get killed and eaten on film, and as much as it terrified me, and it TRULY terrified me, I knew I was in love.
I also feel the need to give a Zack Snyder shout out, for the AMAZING work he did on the remake. I know all he did was put 28 Days Later “runners” into the same film, but it worked amazingly, in my opinion, and helped to bring Dawn of the Dead to another generation, which was awesome.Previous Next
Nato – Child’s Play
Ok, this one I can’t really explain. My fear of the red-haired devil doll named Chucky is no longer relevant, but when I was younger, no horror film character mortified me more. I’m not talking like “look away from the screen, cover your eyes” type heebie-jeebies either. I’m talking a physically paralyzing fear that overtook my entire body, causing bouts of mild hyperventilation in the pussified version of myself (quiet peanut gallery).
Now, this was at a young stage where I wasn’t yet the die-hard horror lover and didn’t appreciate the genre as I do now, but had still seen moments of Freddy, Michael, Jason, and even that little green bastard Leprechaun with no torment. But damn you Dom Mancini and Tom Holland for taking childhood innocence and creating a horrifying murderer out of a possessed Frankenstein-like “Good Guy” doll voiced by Brad Dourif, because for some reason you exposed one of my innermost fears. A fear I never even knew existed. A fear so irrational and stupid, I feel like a jabroni telling it now, but it’s all true.
Movies like Dead Silence tried to mimic the same evil doll horror, but couldn’t even muster a spook (partly because Dead Silence was a steaming pile of garbage not worth anyone’s time). Chucky stands as the one slasher villain to earn his status amongst horror infamy, for me at least, and ranks #1 on the list of “people” I least wanted (want) to see in my nightmares.Previous Next
Remy – The Exorcist
Next up, we have The Exorcist. I know this one is cliché, but we need to be honest here, and that movie messed me up badly. Evil is not as hard to process as seeing a monster on film, because evil is real, and that is what William Friedkin’s movie does SO well. It takes the innocent (Linda Blair) and makes it into the ultimate evil, much like Nato’s Child’s Play pick. Truth be told, unlike any others on this list, I cannot watch this movie all the way through, to this day. And of course, being an ass who needs to know every aspect of horror, I read the diary from the priest who did the exorcism this film was written around, and wouldn’t you know, it was the scariest thing I ever read in my life, and only made me fear the film that much more. I am not a God-fearing man, by any means (organized religion is a silly institution to me), but this movie made me into a Devil-fearing man. Which means, this movie made evil REAL to me. So in essence, I live in a God-less world, but there is palpable evil in it. The Exorcist taught me that, so I think you can know why it’s on my list.
Also, I find it incredibly captivating that Linda Blair is COMPLETELY believable in this film, through and through, yet was a terrible actress in every single thing she did since. How does that happen? Possession man, that’s how!
*Hides under bed, whimpering.Previous Next
Nato – Jurassic Park
Ok, I wasn’t actually petrified as I watched Steven Spielberg’s dinosaur masterpiece for the first time, but I considered one character class to be downright frightening: velociraptors. Seriously, was there ever a more perfect on-screen killer creature? Fast, vicious, intimidating, feral, intelligent, agile…you turn back and see this “cleva’ girl” running at you a mile away and you should already be sending up a final prayer. You should also wonder how you traveled back in time, but that’s besides the point.
I absolutely love Jurassic Park and would easily include it on my Top 10 Favorite Films list, and even attribute it to starting my love of film, dating back to that fateful night when my mom wasn’t home and my dad let me join him for a pre-bed viewing. But damn, the velociraptor design Stan Winston imagineered set the bar for mean-spirited dino-assassins.
Now, I could watch Jurassic Park and not be scared during viewings as a child, and don’t regret a thing mind you, but my fears again became prevalent as nightmares. Some of my most terrifying childhood dream sequences involved me being hunted by a pack of velociraptors hell-bent on turning me into dinner, and none of that would be possible without practical effects work that still puts current movies to shame. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get away. Running? Fail. Hiding? Double fail. Fighting? Umm, hello. Doors? Oh yeah, they can open those too. Anyway you cut it, these perfect killing-machines will maul you in cold blood for nothing but survival. Yup, they definitely deserve a shout out on my list.Previous Next
Remy – Funny Games
Lastly, I really don’t think I have ever had a movie watching experience quite like the first time I saw Funny Games. This movie is made specifically for “American horror audiences”, and it showed me a side of myself I was never really aware existed.
The bad guys in this film specifically do things for our entertainment, us, the viewer, laughing that this is what horror audiences want to see, all while (mostly mentally) torturing a helpless family. All through the movie, I found myself begging these guys to stop, begging for the tables to turn, and when they finally do, the movie throws what may very well be the most insane and awesome plot-twist I have ever seen. Not just for a horror film, any film ever. I won’t ruin it here for the few of you who have not seen either movie, but I can say the remote control scene took everything I knew about horror and spun it on its head.
With Funny Games (either version, both are perfect) you are not a spectator. You are a conspirator. You are involved. You feel as if you are a third accomplice to these two, and it is a sickening feeling, truly. Of all the violence that happens in this film, 90% of it is off-screen. Yet still, when the movie ends, you cannot help but feel like you were just privy to some horrible events, and that, somehow, it’s partly your fault. For that reason alone, Funny Games tormented me. But also, for that reason alone, there is no denying that Funny Games is one of the greatest films ever made. Not just horror, but ever.
Be prepared to feel sick and angry by the time this movie ends. Take comfort in knowing they were just trying to put on a good show for you.
It’s all your fault the malicious events play out. How’s THAT for horrifying?
Now it’s your turn! Feel free to let Remy and I know what sniveling cowards we are in the comments, and share your list of films that chill you to the core.
*A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates:
Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb
Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro