Arguments – they’re part of life. We’re all competitive beasts, never wanting to admit fault or defeat, and will go to great lengths when defending our honor when challenged or threatened. Arguments have started wars, shattered relationships, broken families, declared victors, but have also awarded respect. A win will always be a win, but longstanding respect and admitted defeat are far greater trophies than another tally mark on a record sheet somewhere. That’s where our story begins for this group of alcohol swigging, loud mouthed master-debaters (had to make that joke once, c’mon!), connected by our love of whiskey, which is only overpowered by our love for all things pop culture – cinema, music, television, gaming, you name it. Inebriation and verbal assaulting, how could this go wrong?!
Needless to say, all we do now is argue about pop culture and hot topics of the day. Despite sounding like the grunts and groans of a pack of psychopaths, we decided to translate our debates into a readable affair. This means that every few weeks or so, we will be posting our thoughts on upcoming releases and pop culture in general. Since agreeing is for peace-loving hippies, our arguments will be broken up into two sides, and the winner is decided by the readers. Yes, our fates are in your hands!
Before we begin though, allow us to introduce ourselves.
Christian: A nearly retired cop with nothing left to lose, Christian turned to bath salts and cat urine to deal with losing three wives and up to seven stepchildren (they were gingers though, does that even count?). Although it is true that he is extremely opinionated, Christian only pushes his opinions on those he loves most (especially you, dear reader). Famous for his last stand at the Alamo and ability to produce children with a single look, this is a man who should by no means be considered harmless. Aside from devilish good looks and cologne that doesn’t come in an aluminum can, his knowledge of everything pop-culture will leave wives crying for divorce and daughters breaking the locks their fathers rightfully installed on their chastity belts. Debating isn’t exactly his strong suit, but he did once defeat a whole debate team using only the power of a flamethrower, so maybe that counts.
Gem: Gem has lived the secluded life of an academic, dedicated to a better understanding of critical analysis. Emerging from five years struggling to insert page numbers into Word, Gem indulged in the world of film to satiate her creative side – from which burst the need to obliterate those who do not agree with her inane, profane ranting. Her most critically acclaimed debate was executed at this year’s Comic Con when she swayed a crowd of riotous nerds into agreeing that yes, a coat rack could defeat Wolverine. The opposition doesn’t stand a chance.
Nato: Traveling back in time from a dystopian universe where pop culture debates are a game of life and death, Nato (formerly Natobombious Kick-Assious) continues to extend his unbeaten streak against the competition he now sees in three (barely) functioning alcoholics who devour useless entertainment factoids like the bottles of Jack taped to their hands. Matt can make a case for anything, but enjoys the new challenge of debate through writing, disabling his hypnotically enchanting “hair-flip” closing visual, typically bringing competition to their knees with one swiftly punctuated “swoosh.” Who needs a closing argument when you have great hair? You’re about to witness the great lengths he’s willing to go and mighty stretches he’s willing to make, abandoning all notions of self-respect just to deliver the most convincing arguments conceivable. A pop-culture chameleon, Nato can do it all. We promise we’ll do our best to contain him, but it might be too late already…
Alex: Formed from the recovered DNA of Stephen A. Douglas, Ben Franklin, and Socrates, Alex is an unstoppable force in an argument. Basically every epic speech in every courtroom movie/TV show ever was copied verbatim from arguments Alex has made. If the world listened to his points on abortion, gay marriage, or America’s healthcare system, all people would finally be in agreement. But why waste his talents on such minutia? It’s the world of the media that sparks the fiercest debates, and thus his fiercest opinions. But just because he’s such an eloquent debater in person doesn’t mean that doesn’t translate into his writing. Some argue the pen is mightier than the sword. Well Alex doesn’t write with a pen, he uses a sword to slice paper into the words that crush those who disagree. Whoever opposes him ought to fear for not only their dignity, but their safety as well.
Today’s Argument: Who Would You Want On Your Side In a Fight? Arnold Schwarzenegger or Mark Wahlberg?
This week marks the release of two new action capers; The Last Stand, with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Broken City with Mark Wahlberg. As two barrel-chested, ab-tastic leading men in the cinematic arena, The Governator and Marky Mark have each had their share of ass-kicking roles. This time around the Throwdown team opted to take a new slant on their debate. This is no mere argument of who is the better actor, no. Today, we debate: who would you want as an ally in a fight? Let battle brawn commence!
Click below to continue reading.Next
Matt – Arnold
Arnold vs. Mark Wahlberg. The Governator vs. Marky Mark. Former Mr. Universe vs. Former Hip-Hop Goon. Max Payne vs. Mr. Freeze. Experience vs. (More) Youthful. Who would I pick to cover my ass in a fight? Even though he’s in his mid 60s, I’m still going with the intimidating Austrian himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Sure, everyone has a Wahl-boner for Mark’s beefy pecs and chiseled abs, but in Arnie’s prime, he was named the most perfectly sculpted man by the Guinness Book of World Records (or a title somewhere along those lines), and has proven through recent roles like The Last Stand and Expendables 2 that he can still kick some ass. Sure, Marky’s getting his own beef-up going for his new role in Pain & Gain, but Schwarzenegger is the perfect candidate to put this whipper snapper in his place. Oh, you lift weights Mark? Well Arnold lifts tree trunks, just watch Commando. And you know what Mark? I bet he still can.
Let’s also go over Arnie’s experience as well. He’s fought an master alien hunter (Predator), barbarians (Conan the Barbarian), an entire private army (Commando), a deadly game show (The Running Man), Skynet (Terminator), Batman (Batman & Robin), Danny DeVito (Twins), kindergartners (Kindergarten Cop), women with three breasts (Total Recall), Jackie Chan (Around The Wold In 80 Days), Razzie Awards (The 6th Day), action movies (The Last Action Hero), and a baby (Junior). Any man that can give birth to a child then defeat an entire army of personal militants is aces in my book. And what’s Wahlberg got. Fighting a teddy bear (Ted), trees (The Happening), monkeys (Planet of the Apes), and porn stars (Boogie Nights)? Please, don’t even make Arnold laugh at those puny attempts.
But what about when you’re fighting? How are you supposed to stay entertained while fighting alongside your celebrity tag team partner? Marky Mark I’m sure is a good fighter, but he always adapts to the hardass role. He’s like a bull who sees red, and just goes into a bro-like daze. Arnold on the other hand is the master of one-liners no matter what situation he’s stuck in, whether it’s freezing innocent Gotham City citizens or saving his daughter from the clutches of evil. Arnie has always got a great zinger right on the tip of his tongue, and what’s a better morale booster than confident mockery of your opponents?! I could write an article just based off of The Governator’s signature lines, but I’ll save the wordcount for another time.
Another plus for Arnold are the musical groups attached to each. Marky Mark has the Funky Bunch, the successfully wimpy hip-hop group that featured Marky Mark, Scottie Gee, Hector The Booty Inspector, DJ-T, and Ashey Ace. They made it to #1 with good vibrations, but were also responsible for a song on the Super Mario Bros. movie soundtrack and critically one of the worst video games ever made with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Make My Video. On the other hand, Arnold has a metal band in his honor called Austrian Death Machine, a side project of badass metalcore musicians completely devoted to making songs based only off Schwarzenegger quotes. What would you rather listen to while fighting – grinding hardcore metal riffage that insights riots, or 90′s pussy hip-hop? Are you still thinking? See below.
Yeah, there’s no argument here. I’m taking The Governator every day of the week, puttying that iron-pumping wannabe Mark Wahlberg in his place. Hell, me and Arnold will take on the whole damn Funky Bunch just to prove a point. “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”Previous Next
Gem – Arnold
There’s one simple reason Arnold Schwarzenegger is the superior choice over Mark Wahlberg as a partner-in-crime and bloody-knuckled buddy in back alley brawlings.
He has no fear.
Throughout his films he’s overcome a gamut of adversaries without so much as batting an eyelid, without a hint of complaint. Alright, so the T-800 declares he needs a vacation. But it’s full of good humour, and if that’s the extent of his whining? I’ll take it! He swallows his fear and gets the job done. Arnold’s put up his dukes and cut his teeth on the full spectrum of the universe’s enemies: Predators, Satan, Batman, the T-1000…I could go on. Who’s Marky Mark faced? A foul-mouthed teddy bear. A corrupt mayor. A corrupt cop. A boxer. A sodding forest. Should I be in the midst of an almighty beat down, I wouldn’t want some trouser-dropping, spider-bowelled, ex-Calvin Klein model on my side! I’d want the guy who lowered the T-1000 into the steel!
On the other side of the camera, he endures the most insane of scenarios all because of his belief in what is right, his lack of shame or fear for his sovereignty. His commitment to snagging the Mr. Universe title was unrivalled. His training regime puts Wahlberg’s ab-enhancing routine to shame. His daily blended meals consisted of greens, eggs and drug dealers and he’d bench press with the World’s Most Obese Teenagers. Nothing stood in his way.
Sure, he got his housekeeper pregnant eschewing support from one of the country’s most powerful families. His autobiography published last year may have missed the eyes of an editor before it hit the presses, but he hasn’t suffered from its pompous tone. The badass film roles have continued to roll in. At the ripe age of 65, he shows little sign of slowing down in his continued pursuit of busting skulls. Scope out The Expendables 2 or The Last Stand. With news that Terminator 5 has bagged a writing team, it looks like he’ll be donning the leathers as the T-800 once more. Age to Arnold, ain’t nothing but a number.
In short: Schwarzie doesn’t renege on his belief. He romps through life on his terms and never quits. Even if it public opinion (and his autobiography) paints him as a colossal arsehole.
I’d rather be standing next to a bloodied, balding, machete-wielding Arnold whose life choices I seriously question…and be alive to fight another day; than share my last moments with Marky Mark. Arnie himself concludes this argument with great accuracy as kicker-of-Satan’s-fiery-arse, Jericho Cane: “You’re a choirboy compared to me, a fucking choirboy!”
Couldn’t have said it better myself Arnie.Previous Next
Christian – Mark
So the other day, I’m getting my flex on down at the gym, right? The usual crowd of chicks and bros are crowded around, just straight flipping out when I start my sets, not even gonna lie. I’m doing great, too, I’m like, just lifting so hard, and before I can finish this old bro comes up and is all like, “Let me show you how a real man lifts.” Before I can stop him with my iron might, my buddy Mark Wahlberg jumps in and tells him straight up, “Dude, I got a bunch that’s gonna funk you up!”
Needless to say, Marky Mark proceeded to smack the crap out of Ahnald and let me finish building that body. I understand that in the 1980s Schwarzenegger was the guy to go to when you needed an action hero to beat the snot out of some Russians or aliens, but we’ve moved on from the past. We live in the present, and we need heroes that can relate to the times.
What hero, do you ask? Why Mark Wahlberg of course! Not only could he push around all of his contemporaries (move over, Liam Neeson, you haven’t been in a good movie in years), but he can knock around those great muscle masses that came before him. It’s a shame he hasn’t found his way into any of the Expendables movies, especially since he could beat the snot out of half the crew while making calling them sissies (or something similar to that).
All the proof we need that he could beat anybody comes from his role in The Departed. You know why? Because he was one of about two people who actually survived the movie! Everybody else was too busy getting killed to notice that this guy was a survivor.
To be fair, Arnold probably makes the better governor of the two, and his handling of alien creatures is much more proficient than Marky Mark’s is. But let’s get into a little bit of muckraking her. How many families does Wahlberg have? Just one. And how many maids has Arnold impregnated with his little dumbbells? At least one. I know, low blow, but nobody called for a clean fight.
So just think of it this way: when you’re at the gym getting your sweat on, who do you want spotting you? Some lame Austrian bodybuilder who’s out of his element, or an everyman hero who could kick all kinds of tail and still maintain that gangster accent? Be true to yourself, and as the Funky Bunch would say, “You Gotta Believe!” Believe in Marky Mark.Previous Next
Alex – Mark
After a few drinks and getting shot down by every girl at the bar, you drunkenly stumble out the back door into the alley. Unfortunately, your first step out the door carries you into the girlfriend of the biggest, angriest looking dude you’ve ever seen. You try to explain that it was a mere misstep, but he’s having none of it. His crew begins to gather around with the intentions of knocking the living stuffing out of you, when suddenly the world freezes and the genie of body-builders turned actors presents you with a choice: Either Arnold Schwarzenegger or Mark Wahlberg can help you in this fight, but you can only choose one. Time is ticking on your decision… you can’t make up your mind…
Wait, you seriously can’t make up your mind? Are you some kind of idiot?? There is only one proper answer to which of these men would be best on your side in a fight. That funky man is Marky Mark himself.
“But wait, Arnold is so big! And he’s the Terminator!” Well isn’t that swell that some Austrian could run around beating people up in the ’80s. Lately, while he’s been wasting his time doing pointless things like being governor, Wahlberg has been busy making movie after movie where he’s the ultimate badass.
Ignoring Wahlberg’s rapping days when he was the most jacked of all, he would have my vote even if he never made a single movie after Fear. I mean hell, he carved the name of a girl he went on like two dates with into his chest. Seriously. Carved Nicole 4 Eva into his chest. Are you kidding me Marky Mark? That insanity is just what I would want on my side in a fight. Not to mention him and his gang decapitated a dog and shoved its head through the door. That’s absolutely disgusting, and I don’t condone animal cruelty at all, but really, if you want to destroy someone, that’s the kind of crazy you need on your side.
Not only was he awesome in Fear, but jump forward a few years and you have The Italian Job which is one of the greatest revenge movies of all time. He not only uses his brawn, but his wit, and his expert driving skills to succeed there. That’s perfect, because sometimes things just go wrong in a fight. If you’re teamed up with someone cool enough to not lose their head and willing to drive you away in their Mini Cooper, you’re going to be alright.
Not content to rest on pulling off the ultimate heist, Wahlberg decided he needed a permanent spot in the halls of cinematic badasses, so he took a role in a little movie called Shooter. The plot? Mark Wahlberg tracks down every crooked agent in the United States government and gives them their just due for killing his dog. America and its president are safe thanks to the heroics of Wahlberg.
While Arnold is busy cashing his social security checks, Wahlberg is a bright-eyed 41 years old. I’m sorry, I don’t want someone on my side who is six months away from spending his Saturday nights playing bingo. And for those who think 41 is too old for a fight as well, just check out his biceps in the new trailer for Pain & Gain, then tell me 41 is too old.
Oh by the way, Wahlberg’s movies have garnered him 2 Oscar nominations, which for those who have trouble counting, is 2 more than Schwarzenegger. Go back to California Arnold.
It’s obvious he’d dominate Arnold, but could Wahlberg beat up anyone else in Hollywood? In the words of the man himself from The Departed: “Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe f*ck yourself.”
Holy guns! Both sides have made some pretty dang convincing arguments. But it doesn’t stop there – have your say in the comments below. Did we miss out on a pivotal point for arguing the battle? Let us know!
If you wanna catch up on previous instalments of We Got This Covered’s Weekly Throwdown, check them out below :Previous