Everyone knows the unwritten horror rules, and everyone also knows one of the most important rules is avoiding sexual intercourse completely. Why? Because you’re just inviting trouble. Just think of all the scenarios you could get yourself caught in. For starters, sneaking away from a group of survivors is about as dumb a move you can make, but then engaging in an act that leaves both you and your partner vulnerable? Yup, you’ve just made yourself a prime target. Let’s take that one step further and pretend you don’t know who the killer is – are you really going to risk sleeping the the enemy? Especially when the enemy is killing off his victims one by one? If you want to survive a horror movie, just keep it in your pants, it’s that simple!
Yet even with such simple instructions, pairs of horny teenagers and sex-lovers are still marching off to their deaths horror movie after horror movie, and their demises are only getting more brutal. What started with something as simple as Jason spearing a couple like a human shish kabob has evolved into splitting people’s bodies in half, touches of necrophilia, and amazingly disturbing scenes of sexual pleasure mixed with insane amounts of ridiculous gore. Our horror villains are continuing to cockblock young males at an alarming rate, and their methods are only getting more brutal.
In an effort to save as many hormone-driven young males and females out there thinking with the wrong brain, let Remy and I give you eight solid reasons why you should embrace abstinence when you find yourself in a horror movie type scenario! (Need I say the Youtube videos are NSFW?)
*Yes, I’m aware I’m letting Remy talk about horror and sex again. Yes, this article was Remy’s idea. Yes, I’m aware of what you’re probably about to read. No, there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. Um, enjoy?*
Published: Jul 24, 2013 10:18 pm