The best method I know for effectively communicating to the people around me that I know lots about movies is to be snarky about them. After all, sincerity is lame, and snark is quickly becoming the highest form of expression in society today. That and baseless generalization. With overly self-conscious sarcasm not far behind.
Now understand, my extensive knowledge of movies, which I’ve reached after several years of reading the likes of Jonathan Rosenbaum and Armond White, means that my evaluation of cinematic offerings goes far beyond mere taste. Indeed, quality of art is something that can be objectively measured. You know how they say romance isn’t science, it’s chemistry? Well I say judging art isn’t an art, it’s a science. And it’s one that film critics have surely perfected by now.
I call it a science because it seems like the best descriptor (and by that I mean the first to pop in my head) for the set of rigid criteria I have for determining whether a film is worthy of praise or not. I’ve never written them down or explained them to anyone but needless to say they’re a contradictory set of moving goalposts designed to apply pointed complaints and just about any negative criticism I could possibly make toward a picture. If a movie doesn’t live up to my narrow set of principles, the movie is the one to blame, not me!
The one thing I am certain about (just kidding, I’m certain about every opinion I have) is that movies today are almost all horrible, and movies from the past century aren’t much better. Hollywood is just so out of ideas that they keep making the same films over and over. I mean, after over 100 years of movies, how hard can it be to invent countless more stories that no one has ever encountered before while remaining conventional enough to be accessible for a popular audience upon which your industry relies for its very existence?
On that note, here are 6 common cinematic practices that filmmakers must abolish or else the world will literally implode.
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Published: Nov 18, 2013 05:20 pm