12 Video Game Amusement Parks That We’d Never Visit

Eggman Land (Sonic Unleashed)

Dr. Eggman is an evil genius with an I.Q. of 300, so you’d expect Eggmanland to be a technical marvel, which it is if you think of it as a shameless self-advertisement.

Part amusement park and part decorated in blazing lights and eggs for some wild reason, Eggmanland is an architectural nightmare of control roller coasters, bottomless pits, levitating buzz saws and more killer robots than is probably legal.

I’ve seen this horror movie before and no number of grinning Eggman faces is going to make me forget a vehicle named “Egg Dragoon.” Of course, you get what you paid for, and at the cost of being an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog, it’s a raw deal for five minutes of fame smashing up the place.

That’s’ too bad, because I’m sure Eggman could be a bang-up park designer if he wanted to be. After all, he’s well past his prime to be beating princesses in the Olympics much longer.

Witchyworld (Banjo Tooie)

Banjo Tooie’s Witchyworld is a sleazy rundown amusement park that makes no attempts to disguise itself as such. The food is garbage, the employees are jerks, its big top doesn’t even have seating, and the rides are downright dangerous, if they work at all. It’s to that end that a sign outside it announces that the park is closed due to their “appalling safety record” and that it’ll reopen once the authorities have been thoroughly bribed.

On top of all that, the security is so lax that a medicine woman and a shaman have even set up shop in the park undisturbed as there are no customers. Funny, because kids love it so much that they’re not too keen on leaving – or finding their way out, for that matter.

Another sign even mentions that anyone surviving all the attractions gets a fan club membership. Current member count? Zero. Cold as an old witch’s heart, eh?