2. Temple Run Is Hell
This should hopefully be another game I don’t have to introduce many people to. I’ll admit, I’m helplessly addicted to this app; I’ve spent too many hours trying to beat my high scores by running, jumping, sliding and tripping my way through that treacherous temple.
All we know of the story is that an explorer takes an artifact, which causes a legion of creepy skull monkeys to chase him to his inevitable death. On his way to the end, the greedy snob has the cojones to grab a ton of coins as well. But then he dies one gruesome death or another, before quickly starting up another round of running for his life. We never see our fearless hero at home, taking a bath and relaxing with his newly taken artifact and bags of coins. Instead, we see him run, and then die. What kind of life is that to live? Is it one even worth living? What if it’s not life at all? Is this too many questions?
So What Does This Mean?
Nobody said specifically that this is life that we’re playing through. Who knows for sure whether our adventurer even started his dash alive in the first place? Many players (read: just I) have posited that we’re not trying to help Faceless Explorer #4 escape, but rather that he is just running through hell, stuck forever in an endless loop like some terrible Groundhog Day sequel.
For those of us that believe in hell (or at least Texas), it’s general knowledge that it’s not one specific place or act, but rather a prison built around each persons’ fears and dreads. For example, I’m afraid of being chased by fictional skull monkeys through a temple that I don’t remember wandering into. Sound familiar?
So really, what we’re doing isn’t helping this poor soul at all. Rather than trying to help him escape, we’re setting him on an endless loop that can only end in the most painful death imaginable. And since controlling the afterlife is only the beginning, it’s not too hard to believe that…
1. Pocket God Gives Everyone The Chance To Play God
Although it might not be the most popular app on this list, Pocket God is a great time, if your idea of a great time is destroying civilizations. The whole game revolves around giving players the opportunity to create, build up and destroy an infinite amount of societies inhabited by the sweetest, most innocent-looking natives you’ve ever seen.
Remember how Spider-Man’s uncle told him that “With great power comes great responsibility?” Well just throw that crock out the window, because you’re gonna spend the rest of your bus rides, family reunions and colonoscopies killing your followers because they lived in your pocket and never once paid rent.
So What Does This Mean?
Do I even have to explain this one? Our need as humans to rule over something less than us has become so insistent that we carry tiny civilizations in our pockets so that we can assert control whenever we feel the urge. We can take joy in giving one of our little guys a fishing pole, watching him learn to fish, and then killing him by putting a magnifying glass over him and burning him to ash.
As fun as that sounds, it’s actually quite terrible, and you should be ashamed of yourself for doing it! I remember the one time I changed gravity so that all of my followers slid off the face of the Earth…but that’s neither here nor there.
What I’m trying to say is that you’re all awful people for lending to the death of an entire race of hapless natives without even getting to know them. Destroying innocence in favor of chaos, who do you think you are? I can’t believe you would drown them all in a horrible hurricane….wait, you can do that?
Wow, this game is actually pretty great. This whole 1% lifestyle is pretty comfy.
To dust, my minions! I AM GOD!
If for some reason you’re still unfamiliar with this fantastic app, check out the quick gameplay video below.
Published: Jul 8, 2012 11:07 am