8 Ridiculous Batman Characters That Will Never Appear On The Big Screen

UPDATE: This article was written before the release of The LEGO Batman Movie. From major supporting figures like Robin, Alfred and Commissioner Gordon to prominent villains like the Joker, Two-Face and Catwoman, movie audiences have come to know many Batman characters well over the years. Heck, even more overtly comic book-y characters like Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy have made their way to the big screen (not well, grant you, but they still made it). And the upcoming DC Shared Universe looks set to mine even deeper into Batman’s mythos to serve up characters fresh to the cinema screen, like Harley Quinn and Killer Croc in Suicide Squad. However, there are some Batman characters who will never get their chance to appear in a blockbuster movie. Just in time for the arrival of Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, we've decided to take a look at eight Batman characters you shouldn't expect to see in a movie. Whether they derive from the wacky Silver Age of comics (whose stories are often looked at today with either a wry smile or full-on laughter) or are just a bizarrely-conceived modern creation, we wouldn’t hold out much hope for Ben Affleck’s Dark Knight to encounter them anytime soon… 8) The Penny Plunderer You know the giant penny that sits in the Batcave in the comics? Well, while it is often assumed to refer to Two-Face, with his trusty scarred coin, it is actually a leftover from a different, and much more obscure, member of Batman’s rogues gallery. Joe Coyne (yes, really) was a penny-obsessed criminal whose goal was to steal the giant penny on show in a museum. Batman stopped him, of course, but then - for some reason - stole the coin for himself and put it in the Batcave. We would love for the giant penny to feature in Ben Affleck’s Batcave, as so far no live-action incarnation of Batman’s lair has had the interesting visuals of the one from the comics. However, even if it did make it to the screen, we highly doubt its origins would be tied in with the Penny Plunderer. 7) Batman Of Zur-En-Arrh In a notorious Silver Age story, Bruce Wayne is teleported to the planet Zur-En-Arrh where an alien scientist has been monitoring his adventures on Earth. Inspired by him, he has become the Batman of his world, but now he needs the real Bats’ help to defeat some robot invaders. More recent comics have retooled Batman of Zur-En-Arrh as an alternate personality of Bruce’s after he is attacked with psychotropic drugs. In those, his name comes from a mangled version of the last words he heard his father say: “the sad thing is they’d probably throw someone like Zorro in Arkham.” Even so, the character is just too bonkers to make it to the screen. Besides, the colourful costume is completely at odds with the cinematic Batmen’s penchant for black. LEGO Batman would hate it. 6) The Outsider Alfred’s role has hugely increased as the Batman films have gone on, with Jeremy Irons apparently promising a more action-orientated butler in BvS. However, we are going to go out on a limb and say that we will never see the Outsider realized on the big screen. Killed after saving Batman and Robin from the path of boulder, Alfred was brought back to life by a mad scientist with experimental radiation. However, he came back different – with white blemished skin, telekinetic powers and an inexplicable desire to kill the Dynamic Duo. Thankfully, the pair managed to bombard him with radiation again which reversed the process. Alfred now was back to normal and the event was never talked of again. While we would love to see Jeremy Irons as a supervillain, the Outsider has a very slim chance of making it to the movies. 5) Ace The Bat-Hound Yet another Silver Age character, Ace was the household pet of Wayne Manor who joined Batman and the Boy Wonder on their superheroing as the Bat-Hound. He even wore a mask of his own – while that might sound illogical, there was a reason for it; it was to hide the distinctive patch of diamond-shaped fur on his forehead. The character was part of the trend at the time to give superheroes canine sidekicks, such as the more famous Krypto the Super-Dog. As such, he has never moved with the times and, unlike a lot of his contemporary characters, hasn’t really been rebooted as a modern character. They could well give Bruce Wayne a dog called Ace, as a nod to the character for hardcore fans to pick up on, but we don’t expect to see Ben Affleck teaming up with a crime-fighting canine pal any time in the future. For shame. 4) Bat-Cow So you don’t find the idea of a Bat-Hound ridiculous enough? Then try this one on for size: Batman has also had a Bat-Cow. No, really. A Bat… Cow. Damian Wayne’s Robin rescued the animal from the slaughterhouse, whereupon it was noticed that it miraculously had a naturally-grown bat-shaped mask over its eyes. To complete the look it was given one of Batman’s capes and – voila – Bat-Cow was born. And a valued member of the Bat-family it is, too. A well-timed moo from Bat-Cow is enough to brighten Bruce’s spirits. See below: The bizarre thing here is that Bat-Cow isn’t from the Silver Age but is actually a modern creation. He first featured in children’s comic Tiny Titan’s Pet Club before Grant Morrison thought the idea was a hoot so included him in proper Batman continuity. 3) Crazy Quilt You can’t have a list of ridiculous Batman characters without Crazy Quilt, regularly named as the silliest of all Batman villains (and this is really saying something). After being blinded by a gunshot wound, Crazy Quilt volunteered for an experimental procedure to restore his vision – however, it resulted in him only seeing bright colours. Driven mad, he fashioned himself a helmet that could blind his enemies with the same bright colours that afflict him. He was created by the legendary Jack Kirby, but that doesn’t stop him from being the most laughable of Batman villains. The Dark Knight’s rogues gallery is full of themed bad guys, but it’s probably a sign that you’re scraping the very bottom of the barrel when your villain’s gimmick is, um, brightly-coloured bed sheets. Though he won’t be seen on a cinema screen anytime soon, Crazy Quilt did turn up in animated series Batman: The Brave and The Bold voiced by the great Jeffrey Tambor. 2) The Condiment King If quilts are a bargain-basement gimmick for a villain, then what does that make the Condiment King’s choice of theme? Sure, it must be hard finding a new gimmick in Gotham City, but there must have been something more exciting than condiments. To be fair to the Condiment King, he was created for the sublime Batman: The Animated Series as a parody of ridiculous Batman villains, particularly those in the classic 60s Batman show. He even spouts awful Mr Freeze-style puns like “I knew you’d ketchup to me sooner or later.” Speaking of which, he is so useless that Batman didn’t even have to defeat him – he slipped over on his own ketchup spillage. Still, that doesn’t save him from being one of the least likely Batman characters to make it to the big screen. I mean, comic book movies tend to draw in the best actors nowadays. Who would want to play the Condiment King? 1) Bat-Mite The king of ridiculous Batman characters, however, has got to be Bat-Mite. The embodiment of the wacky ideas of the Silver Age, Bat-Mite used to be a pretty big deal in Batman’s life. This little critter might look harmless but he's actually an inter-dimensional imp with reality-warping powers. He claims he's Batman’s biggest fan – hence the costume - but he generally just causes trouble for the hero. The character has been a popular one with the lighter-hearted cartoons featuring Batman over the years but he has, for some inconceivable reason, never made the leap to the big screen. His best bet probably would have been the campy Joel Schumacher films, but even they didn’t go that far. That said, we would have a huge amount of respect for Warner Bros. if they were brave enough to integrate the camp zaniness of Bat-Mite into their gritty movie universe.