9 Extremely Lame Horror Movie Monsters

1) Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)


Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is a film that must be spoken of using its full title, because it’s the best title ever. This is a movie which does exactly what it says on the tin: it’s a movie about a bed, a bed that eats. Said bed is located in a stone edifice in the middle of the woods, accompanied by a guy imprisoned in a painting (I think) who holds constant conversation with the bed.

The usual parade of stupid people come in and out to be outwitted and eventually consumed by our hideous monster – although some of them don’t seem terribly concerned about their flesh being eaten away. It’s not terribly clear how the bed manages to consume things, as it appears to have both the powers of stomach acid as well as teeth, and we hear sucking and crunching noises every time some poor soul dares to take a nap.

The problem with making a bed the monster of your horror movie is that people pretty much have to feed themselves to it. It can’t stalk anyone through the dark woods, it can’t sneak up on you in the middle of the night and it can’t open doors. It just sort of sits there, being a bed, with all the cunning and audacity one would expect from a piece of furniture.

I think the best example of how lame this “monster” is is in the opening sequence, which features the bed devouring a bucket of fried chicken right before sucking its victims into its soft, luxurious depths. Diabolical!

Comments (4)

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  1. I thought the great twist could’ve been that, once the heroine reaches the outside world, we learn that those creatures were real. A great irony for the townspeople,who thought they were making something up.

  2. mph23says:

    I wanted to like the Jeepers Creepers monster being, well, a MONSTER. But yeah, it’d have been better if it was just another Ed Gein/Buffalo Bill/Texas Chainsaw killer…Really.

  3. CoaxialJunkiesays:

    Well – i don`t agree with you!

  4. bjensensays:

    Right, the village, built in a section of woods that NEVER had an airplane fly anywhere near it…LOL

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