Resident Evil
I love horror movies. I love video games. I love zombies. I love Milla Jovovich. So if you add all that up, you have someone who should be a fan of this film franchise, right? WRONG.
The Resident Evil movies have gotten so bad that I look at them on par with movies that the SyFy network produces. Hell, at least those know how to not take themselves seriously and have some fun. These films though are pure shit. All they had to do was copy the first game (cheese and all) and make a fun little B-movie about a house filled with zombies. Instead, they decided to get all futuristic and focus on the boring and most contrived stories from the game, turning the movies into an incoherent mess.
Like, really. Those films are incoherent messes. The moment I saw Milla run and jump off a wall to  kick a zombie dog in the face (and taking itself seriously in the process), I knew this franchise was going to be shit. And wouldn’t you know it, they just get shittier and shittier. Stupider and stupider. Oh, and someone just please TRY and explain that plot to me now. I bet no one could. Clones and zombies and hooded axe men (who are NEVER explained). Nope, doesn’t make much sense at all.
The saddest part about this one is, just like the Transformers, Resident Evil had some great source material to mine. Yet still, even with all the great games that were around, they have managed to make a miscarriage of a shepherd’s pie. It is meat, potatoes, and corn, people. You don’t need to add onions and broccoli and cheese and bread crumbs. When will filmmakers realize that doing all that shit just ruins the pie?
All they had to do was make Resident Evil 4 into a movie, story for story, and they would have won. I’m so sad it did not turn out that way.
In closing, don’t try to act all cool now and act like everyone hates these movies. You don’t. You really don’t. If you did, they would have never made it past a first film (see Eragon for a prime example of how that business model works). Some of you saw saw each entry in the above mentioned franchises, and some of you loved them, or they would all be dead, like they deserve to be.
So seriously, stop liking shitty movies, okay?
