The Definitive Guide To George Lucas’ Insanity

1. Ewoks – Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983)

George Lucas’ Role: Creator

These fluffy little shits came to be despised by pretty much every Star Wars fan who had reached the age of fifteen by the time Return of the Jedi came out and were craving darker storylines (as seen in The Empire Strikes Back). Sure, we can suspend our diselief enough to allow our brains to comprehend the fact that these things might exist, but we won’t believe for a second that a small band of teddy bears could take on the entire Empire using bits of wood and some rocks.

The Ewoks were, of course, the go-to Star Wars characters for laughs and mockery all the way up to 1999. Then something else emerged that changed the face of audience hatred forever (See: Star Wars Prequels). For monetary and merchandising purposes, Ewoks were granted various comic book spin-offs and TV cartoons, all of which were questionably evil.

2. Captain EO (1986)

George Lucas’ Role: Producer

Chances are you’ve never heard of Captain EO, unless you happened to stumble upon it at random whilst visiting a Walt Disney theme park. And this, Lucas-haters, is just about one of the strangest… uh, things… ever created by a team of intelligent humans. Let’s start by explaining that Captain EO is one of those 4D theatre ride experiences that you get at a lot of theme parks.

There’s a Honey, I Shrunk the Kids! one called Honey, I Shrunk the Audience! that’s been around since forever. Remember that? Well, this particular ride stars Michael Jackson as the bizarrely-named Captain EO, a spaceship pilot whose best friends are, like, rejected Jim Henson monsters. These include a disgusting snotty elephant freak and the Jobs-worthiest of all fictional robots.

The plot assigned to this endeavor is utterly incomprehensible: “Captain EO” and his ragtag crew of piss-poor puppets must deliver a gift to something known as “The Supreme Leader”, a being who happens to inhabit a planet made up of jagged metal parts and steaming vents. The Supreme Leader is also absolutely terrifying, a twisted spider-like woman who characteristically threatens death upon them all when they turn up smiling. That’s until Michael Jackson deploys a song and dance number, of course, and the day is saved. Also, Michael Jackson has the power to transform enemy guards into dancers for the sake of this narrative.

What were you thinking, George? I know this was designed for a theme park, but seriously. And do you know what the worst part of all this is? Francis Ford Coppola directed it. Yes, the man who made The Godfather and Apocalypse Now had to shout through a megaphone: “Okay, Michael, now transform those guards into dancers!