9 Movies We’re Absolutely Dreading This Year

The average person gets to pick and choose their films. Critics don’t have that luxury. Although, given the job description, many would concur that it’s a small price to pay. Any critic worth their salt walks into the cinema with an open mind, and emerges from the darkened room with a painfully honest assessment of their experience. Candidness is key to great criticism, and the brilliant writers of days gone by have previously rushed to support this theory. If you didn’t like a film that everybody else did – admit it. Similarly then, if a movie announcement makes a critic scrunch their eyes and squirm in their seat, they must confess. It’s true that many reviewers walk into a film wanting to love it. But, no matter how unprejudiced one may be, there are always releases that just have an uncanny ability to churn dread deep within. This is what this list is all about: the films creeping into cinemas during 2017 that we're genuinely worried about. Given the release dates are weeks away, it's true that any foresight at this stage is arguably blinkered at best. Movies with trashy trailers have garnered critical acclaim in the past, and intriguing promos have repeatedly proven deceptive. Never judging a book by its cover is timeless and valuable advice, but like a bad liar fumbling over an elaborate fib, some films cannot help but arouse great suspicion. It would be blissful for any of the following movies to emerge as Oscar contenders by this time next year, but right now, all we can do is continue to submerge the fear until the day they arrive in cinemas. 9) Baywatch There’s a scene in Friends where Chandler Bing – who's besotted with Baywatch – tries to encourage his new roommate Eddie to watch the beach-based drama series alongside him, to no avail. “It’s just a bunch of people running around on a beach, ya know”, Eddie tells Chandler. Sure, Eddie ultimately proved to be an utter fruitcake, but his scathing assessment of Baywatch remains bang on the money. The TV series was about as deep as a paddling pool, and that’s what makes it so difficult to conjure up any kind of real excitement for the upcoming movie adaptation. The plot involves a criminal conspiracy threatening the wellbeing of an LA beach, and it's up to Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson), and his team of racy lifeguards (Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Rorbach) to foil the ploy and save the sands. Sounds innocent enough, right? Seth Gordon is in the hot seat – a man with a diverse but decidedly erratic filmography - and he has a tough task on his hands to make Baywatch watchable. Whilst leads Efron and Johnson have both demonstrated exemplary comic timing in the past, they have also looked equally lost when they’re left to wallow in subpar material. The laughs simply won’t happen on their own – and Baywatch’s success will hinge on the strength of both Gordon’s direction and Damian Shannon and Mark Swift’s script. Crowds are sure to get a kick out of the sculpted and voluptuous half-naked bodies of the attractive stars, but will there be any kind of substance below the painfully vain surface? We can only hope, but it ain't looking good. 8) Justice League OK, first of all, we need to clarify that we are super-psyched for the upcoming Justice League movie. How could we not be looking forward to the first cinematic team-up of DC’s finest heroes? Still, while we are excited for it, we're dreading the film’s release in equal measure. That's because the truth is, Justice League could really go either way. If you're one of the many fans of the three movies in the DC Extended Universe that are out there already – that’s Man of Steel, Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice and Suicide Squad – then that’s fantastic, we're glad you enjoyed them. However, it has to be said that a great number of us were less than enamoured with them for a multitude of reasons. Some of the biggest being the uneasy tone, underdeveloped characters and biting off more than they can chew. On the one hand, the footage we have seen of Justice League so far looks to promise a thrilling, action-packed romp that knows how to have a good time. However, the problems that plagued the previous movies could well still be there. And, let’s face it, they are likely to be in some form. Are we eagerly counting down the days to Justice League’s arrival? You bet. But we're also doing so with bated breath. 7) The Mummy You have to give the execs at Universal credit for their perseverance. The studio has so much faith in its long-running The Mummy property – the franchise first began with Boris Karloff wrapped in bandages all the way back in 1932 – that they've released four movies based on the concept in the last two decades. Eight, in fact, if you count the mostly straight-to-DVD Scorpion King spinoff franchise. The latest is this modern-day reboot starring Tom Cruise of all people. What's leaving us dreading this one, then, is the utter pointlessness of it. We've only recently had another action/adventure take on the franchise in Stephen Sommers’ The Mummy movies from the 2000s, starring Brendan Fraser. Sure, this one looks a little darker and will probably have an original story, but it reeks of the studio just fishing for cash. It's also the latest installment in a cinematic universe that really hasn’t got us excited so far. 2014’s Dracula Untold was an underwhelming origin story for the Prince of Darkness (though apparently that's not cannon anymore) and now we have this overly-familiar reboot - which, don't forget, will also shoehorn in Russell Crowe’s Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde. Who knows? The Mummy could surprise us, but we're not holding out much hope. But hey, at least we’ve got Johnny Depp as the Invisible Man coming up. Yay? 6) The Emoji Movie Emojis have found themselves fully integrated into the online lexicon, but does that mean they merit their very own movie? Sony and Columbia certainly seem to think so, and the joint production team have managed to sway a semi-stellar line-up to share their line of thought, too – TJ Miller (as expressive emoji), Ilana Glazer (as codebreaker emoji), James Corden (as hand emoji), Patrick Stewart (as poop emoji), Rob Riggle (as ice cream emoji), and Stifler’s Mom from American Pie (as the expressive emoji’s mother…). The trailer was met with vitriol upon its release, proving we’re far from alone in our apprehension at seeing anthropomorphic emojis on a cinema screen. Admittedly, it was a teaser and not a full-length peek into what’s in store, but the public animosity being directed towards The Emoji Movie at present is deafening nonetheless. We spend our days with our heads buried in smartphones, and the cinema offers a blissful – albeit temporary – escape into a new world, allowing us to lose ourselves in an experience. This probably goes a long way to explaining the backlash at The Emoji Movie. Emojis barging their way onto movie screens feels intrusive, and the supposed plot involving the characters bouncing around between apps suggests we could be in for a bucket-load of shameless product placement. Few are eager to welcome emojis to cinema, and Tony Leondis’ feature will have to be damn good film to win people over. The outlook for The Emoji Movie is, for the time being, an immeasurably long line of smiley brown swirls. We can’t say we’re looking forward to it. 5) Transformers: The Last Knight Just as our eyes and ears have begun to recover from the assault by chapter four of the reprehensible Transformers film series, explosive enthusiast Michael Bay unleashes another sequel upon our trembling senses. Mark Wahlberg and Stanley Tucci will star, among others, and the selection of uncharismatic autobots like Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and Hound are due to appear right alongside them. The Last Knight is a particularly cruel title as it suggests the franchise is finally waving us goodbye. But no such luck. There’s already a Bumblebee spinoff in production for 2018, and yet another Transformers flick is being prepared for the year after that. As long as the movies continue to bring in billions, directors will keep getting behind the camera to shoot more – but not perhaps not Bay himself. The man who has steered the series since its birth is set to step down after The Last Knight, but the rest of the crew are seemingly content to trudge on without him. The hordes of cinemagoers who have revelled in all the roaring noise and chaotic action sequences for the better part of a decade are probably going to be coming back for The Last Knight. There are a lot of people looking forward to it, to be sure, but not us. The first four Transformers were trash, and it’d be a minor miracle if the fifth instalment proved to be anything other than another exhausting debacle. 4) Jumanji The original Jumanji was criticized by some for alienating all of its potential audiences. “Too intense for children and too dumb for adults,” many cried. With director Jake Kasdan (Sex Tape, Bad Teacher), and writer Scott Rosenberg (Pain & Gain, Kangaroo Jack) on board for the sort-of sequel, it appears that the 2017 reincarnation of Jumanji may indeed prove subject to a very similar critique as the original. The Robin Williams vehicle was at best patchy, and at worst forgettable. It was merely a special effects extravaganza powered by a murky plot about a bewitched board game, and whilst Kasdan and Rosenberg don’t have track records to suggest they’re capable of making the reboot any more rewarding, it’s true that stranger things have happened. Again, we’ll see characters sucked inside the game and forced to play as pawns whilst bad-tempered wildlife threatens them at every turn. A curious cast list featuring Jack Black, Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, Karen Gillan, Alex Wolff and, er, Nick Jonas, also raises questions. Johnson and Hart in particular have shown supreme acting chops in the past, and if they’re on form in the new Jumanji, then it has every chance of success. The only issue is these two always seem to be far funnier doing off-the-cuff social media shtick than when they’re kept in check by a movie script. As for the rest of the cast, Black can either be excellent or irritating depending on the circumstances, and we’re yet to see whether Jonas can stand tall in a blockbuster. With so much uncertainty surrounding Jumanji’s cast and crew, approaching with trepidation is a natural response. Perhaps we’re wrong, though. Jumanji could be a magnificent, funny, warm-hearted surprise full of thrills and spills – and that’d be great. But it’s tricky to feel 100% confident about a jungle-based action-adventure flick with an unpredictable and erratic team behind it. 3) Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Much like Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean is a franchise that simply refuses to die out. There’s been so much swashbuckling over the past decade that it’s hard not to feel seasick whenever another trailer for another Pirates movie pops up on YouTube. In truth, one maiden voyage was more than enough, and whilst the sequels were as weak as the legs on a rum-swilling buccaneer, they weren’t really hurting anybody. The movies are inoffensive family fun and never pretend to be anything otherwise. But what’s irritating about the Pirates franchise is that it refuses to accept that it’s already had its day in the sun, and defiantly insists on staying relevant in blockbuster world. Javier Bardem stars as Captain Jack Sparrow’s latest foe, a malevolent marauder who has a simple aim: Kill every pirate at sea. Johnny Depp reprises his role as the beloved Sparrow, whilst Orlando Bloom and Geoffrey Rush also return as Will Turner and Captain Barbosa respectively. No sign of Keira Knightley this time though, with the lead female role awarded to Kaya Scodelario. Who knows, Dead Men Tell No Tales could prove to be the pick of the bunch of the Pirates movies, but right now we can’t help but hope the franchise will soon sail away into the sunset and never return. And if that's the case, we wouldn’t miss it. 2) Who The F#@k Took My Daughter? Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer – the duo behind Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet The Spartans, etc. – are not so much movie directors as they are con artists. And, for a depressingly long time, people fell for their ploy. The double act sold shit and made millions. A pair of ghostlike figures (who’ve shirked the limelight and refused to participate in interviews since establishing themselves as chief operators on the junk movie assembly line), Friedberg and Seltzer mercilessly haunted cinema throughout the noughties, and the chilling rumour that they are about to return is perhaps the most terrifying horror story we’re likely to hear during 2017. It was a relief to see their box office figures finally dwindling, but reports of another upcoming project titled “Who The F#@k Took My Daughter” suggests the twosome aren’t done yet. Their uncanny timing for creating culturally irrelevant spoof movies is apparently still alive and well though, with this latest offering set to parody the Taken films, before no doubt wandering off into unrelated territory to feebly lampoon some other flicks that everyone else has long since forgotten about. There’s no confirmed release date yet, although there are rumblings that we could see it a few months down the line. Is there anybody out there who’s actually still interested in these lame-brained parodies, anyway? At least Who The F#@k Took My Daughter will help us to answer that question, if nothing else. 1) The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature Surly the purple squirrel – protagonist of The Nut Job – was perhaps the most irksome animated character to lead the way on a cinema screen in 2014. But money talks, and the big box office figures generated by his movie means we’re being forced to contend with his company once again for The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature later this year. This time, Surly is tasked with preventing the city’s mayor from bulldozing away a park and replacing it with amusement rides. The Nut Job might have been lurid and glossy on the surface, but the dull heist story, uninspired gags and a self-interested central character merely intensified our yearning for the greater animations of yesteryear – movies that put the plot first and treated animation like the tasteful topping that it ought to be. Unless Surly has a personality change to the point where his moniker becomes ironic, Nutty By Nature is going to have one hell of a tough time winning us over. Ratatouille proved computer-generated rodents can be likeable. If you’re looking to spend your spare time watching animals scurry around a cinema screen, put on Brad Bird’s animated masterpiece instead. Don’t wait around until summer to see Surly again. He probably doesn’t even want to see you.