Nato And Remy’s Last Stand: 80s Horror Films We Actually WANT To See Remade

Remy and I have stated our feelings on the remake game already, but in all honesty, we have no choice but to give in. Between all the classic horror movies remade already and the ones slated for release in the next few years, it seems every noteworthy genre film will be remade within the next five years whether we like it or not. Should some of these films actually be updated with technology and new ideas? No f#cking way. Do Remy and I have a say in that choice? No f#cking way. So, instead of being rebellious writers refusing to give in to the massive machine that is the studios, Remy and I have decided to embrace the remake fad and at least try to be positive about the whole damn thing. I mean if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, am I right? No, that's a terribly defeatist and sad way to look at it, but for the sake of an article, yeah, we'll sacrifice all our morals. We're getting a little specific here though, because not every generation has been stellar in the horror game. We picked the 1980s because this was a golden time of practical effects and slasher films, something the 90s didn't do particularly well. Where something like Scream doesn't actually need a remake because sequels are still coming out, 80s movies have been buried long enough where advances in special effects could bring more to the table than just some puppets - although there's a undeniably nostalgic feel to these types of films I never want to see go away. Use your flashy graphics and CGI all you want, but a film like The Thing still holds loads more weight than a poorly crafted computer sequence. With that said, join Remy and I as we suggest the 80s films we'd most like to see get a proper remake, and of course why! Remy - Rawhead Rex As you all know, I am mentally disturbed, so expect this piece and my reasoning to be highly irrational, per usual. My first pick, Rawhead Rex, was a Clive Barker story from The Books of Blood. I grew up with a real adoration for Clive Barker, and anytime his work would get adapted to screen, it would peak my interest instantly. Thing is, when Rawhead Rex was made into a movie, the studios sort of lost sight of what made the story so unsettling, and just wanted to get a new Clive Barker movie out after the success of Hellraiser - so they made a movie about a giant demon that killed people. Thing is, in the story, he looked like a giant penis, thus the name RAW HEAD. The point of the story was the horrifying, phallic beast tearing people apart with patriarchal sexual metaphors. I think we have matured enough as a society that we can handle this film being rebooted, having a director actually make Rex look like a giant cock, thus making it exceptional (and exceptionally f*cked up). Nato - Videodrome I know a remake of Videodrome has already been announced with decorated commercial director Adam Berg attached to direct a script by Ehren Kruger, but the point of this article is to highlight 80s movies we actually want to see remade, and boy do I want to see a Videodrome remake, like, now. I mean there's no denying David Cronenberg is the master of visceral body horror, depicted by the veiny, skin-like TV screen in the picture above, but with even more technological advances in the ways effects are created today, Videodrome could really be a beauty of an acid trip. I also happen to think the themes would weigh even heavier in today's word of mindless television that peddles even more ruthless violence and sleazy sex. Would writers have to ramp up the material in Videodrome because of films like Hostel and Saw which already exist, pushing the boundaries of torture? As it is, it's reported that Krueger's script will "modernize the concept, infusing it with the possibilities of nano-technology and blow it up into a large-scale sci-fi action thriller," but I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. My want is for an even darker and more sinister Videodrome program to mesmerize whoever the lead character may be, something that brings even more squirmy horror to an already mentally stimulating concept. Remy - Chopping Mall My dear Matt told me this one IS getting rebooted, so that dismayed me slightly (because my initial angle was thinking of films that could NOT be remade), but still, there will always be room in my heart for a janitor robot that turns evil and starts mauling people in a mall in ridiculously over-the-top ways. My only real opposition would come from the fact that they would make the robots CG, and that is just NOT okay. CGI ruins horror, straight up. I want some old school effects company to build an awesome robot (think an evil version of Wall-E) that maims people. I want there to be squibs, lots of denim, and robots that look silly. For this to work, they NEED to know just how cheesy the source material, and embrace said cheese by the curd. Nato - Monkey Shines Even though Remy is about to pay respect to the zombie Godfather George A. Romero, I've got to show a little love first with my pick of Monkey Shines. Haven't heard of it? Ha, oh it's a fun little beast for sure. Allan is a quadriplegic who starts to lose faith in life until he meets a monkey named Ella who is trained to care for him like a little hairy housekeeper. Fetching things and carrying out human acts like Allan once could, the man starts to create a bond with the monkey, but little does he know their bond is also being strengthened by science. Due to some genetic fiddling, Ella starts carrying out some of Allan's more hidden and repressed emotions of anger and frustration, and people start getting hurt. Yup, a quadriplegic and his murderous monkey, how is that not gold? I would like to see a tonal shit for a remake though. Keep the horror, sure, but it's an adorable little simian doing the slashing. Why can't we spin some dark comedy into the mix, something more cartoonish and silly than what Romero aimed for? Give me a funny man to play the quadriplegic, ham up the script with some good monkey related humor, and that would be a remake I'd pay to see in a heartbeat. Remy - Martin Ah, sweet Martin. I know this is late seventies, but I had to cheat a little, because that is just how much I love this film. Perhaps the most under-appreciated George Romero film, and easily the best thing he did besides Dawn and Creepshow, Martin is a movie about a boy who is a vampire, and has to feed his urges in the only way he knows how. OR, Martin is about a serial killer who THINKS he is a vampire, and so he acts accordingly. That is the real beauty of Martin - it was a concept that was WELL ahead of its time, and has an ending that sticks in your guts like bad Chinese food. A Martin reboot, if cast correctly, could bring the brilliance of the film to a whole new generation of horror fans who don't even know it exists. A good deal of these on this list I want rebooted because they would make me laugh. Martin I want rebooted because it made me cringe, and I loved every second of it. Was he or wasn't he a vampire? I'll never tell. Nato - Cat People A remake of the 1982 erotic horror Cat People (which was already a remake itself)? People turning into cats? Incestuous brothers and sisters? Oh come on, this is a goldmine of material waiting to be re-remade. In the original, we're introduced to werecats, a species who have a horrid sexual situation. If they shag a normal human, they turn into a black leopard or some type of cat, and the only way to turn human again is to murder someone. Their other option? They can mate with another werecat, but since there are so few, they usually end up shagging brothers or sisters. Yes, essentially the film boils down to Malcolm McDowell trying to have sex with his unwilling sister (Nastassja Kinski). But I feel there hasn't been a solid erotic thriller in a while, and with a kinky concept like this, how isn't there a twisted mind out there chomping at the bit to reinvent this psychotic tale of pussy chasing. Plus, how funny would it be watching some helpless romantic go blindly into a remake of Cat People, thinking it might be along the lines of a now typical romantic oddity like Twilight? Gorgeous actors, murders, and overwhelming amounts of nudity - I'm in. Remy - Waxworks Waxworks is an awesome movie. It is fun, ambitious, and cheesy, which is everything good 80s horror was. It also gave you one horror movie that pretty much had five horror movies within it, which was a very meta thing to do way back in the 80s, before people even said meta. Waxworks is about a wax museum that opens in a small town, and the group of teenagers that go there and get pulled into the living exhibits. In other words, the guy sees a werewolf setup at the museum, thinks it's cool so he crosses the rope to get a better look, and BAM, he's in a werewolf flick. The same thing happens to each teen, one by one, until there is only one kid left (kid from Gremlins for the win), and then the shit hits the fan, and all the exhibits start coming to life in a conclusion that was Cabin in the Woods long before Cabin in the Woods. So, right now, while that meta thing is red hot, we remake Waxworks, with NO CGI - only old-school creatures, great cast, and fun storytelling. Honestly, that's what is missing from modern horror, and one of the reasons Cabin in the Woods worked so well is because it made horror fun again. I have full faith a Waxworks remake could accomplish the same goal. Nato - Poltergeist Alright horror purists, I know, Poltergeist is a classic, and remaking it would do no justice - or so you assume. Given the reputation remakes have, I can't blame you, but it's been plenty long enough to return to Cuesta Verde for some real paranormal activity. Now while I admit story-wise Poltergeist deserves it's all-star status, this is one of the only classic horror films I feel that looks visually dated. From the TV scenes to the actual creatures, a visual upgrade is definitely necessary to bring newer audiences into the Freeling's hellish nightmare. The biggest shame in a remake though would be the absence of Zelda Rubinstein's squeaky voice, as she passed away in 2010. Such an iconic voice would have made a wonderful reappearance in a Poltergeist remake. My prayers will be answered though, because it would only be so long before Hollywood remade one of the most popular horror films of the 80s. David Lindsay-Abaire (Oz The Great And Powerful) is penning the remake with Sam Raimi producing, which is said to be tonally similar to the Steven Spielberg/Tobe Hooper original. Honestly though, know how to make me happy? Let Sam Raimi direct the damn thing - he can bring PG-13 scares on a less gore-ific level which he showed with Drag Me To Hell. His quirks and style would go magically with the other dimension which hosts all the evil spirits, and his wild direction would be a perfectly fun fit. Plus we'd get a Bruce Campbell cameo - and everyone wins there. Alright 80s horror fans, which film would you most like to see be properly remade?! *A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates: Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro Like what you read? Check out last week's article where we take a look at Freddy Krueger's Die-light Reel!

Nato And Remy’s Last Stand: 80s Horror Films We Actually WANT To See Remade

Remy – Chopping Mall