Nato And Remy’s Last Stand: What If Carrie Was In The Faculty? (And Other Mix & Match Horror Fantasies)

Remy – Blade in Twilight

Do I even need to say anything here?

Snipes shows up, and just starts laying waste to the Cullen clan. Don’t even give me a plot or anything. Just give me ninety minutes of Blade going back through their entire bloodline and massacring the entire Cullen family. The seriousness of Wesley Snipes would fit PERFECTLY into that super cheesy world where everyone and everything is so emo.

Once he gets to Edward is where shit REALLY gets good. I want, and I kid you not, the most brutal and unforgiving death ever put on film to happen to this guy. First, Blade cuts off the top of his head because fuck that kid’s hair. Edward starts weeping like a small child, and Blade ends up ripping out his tongue. From there he just chops him down until he is a pile of quivering meat, but Blade never severs his head. The idea here is to bury each one of Edward’s body parts a thousand miles apart. You keep him alive and make him suffer for eternity.

I know, I am sick. Wait, though, there’s more.

The twist ending would be that after Blade killed all the vampires, he walks outside, and now he GLITTERS! The movie ends with him falling to his knees and screaming “NOOOOOOOoooooo” at the camera as it pans upwards.

You can just mail my screenwriting Oscar right to my house, no worries.