Nato And Remy’s Last Stand: What If Carrie Was In The Faculty? (And Other Mix & Match Horror Fantasies)

You can't keep a dreamer from dreaming. Damn the facts, ignore rationale, and screw the rules - what's the fun of having an imagination if you don't use it, right? Well, OK, maybe Freddy Krueger can keep a dreamer from dreaming, because no one wants to be sucked into a nightmarish dreamland full of death and decay, but you get my point - it's always fun to imagine "What if?" In this week's edition of Nato And Remy's Last Stand, we decided to put our imagination to the test and mash together some of our favorite horror movies to make an even more awesome double-dip experience. A vanilla milkshake rules, a chocolate milkshake is just as tasty - but have you ever had a black and white milkshake?! Oh man, mix those two badboys together and it's a bit of creamy, inter-ice-cream bliss. Trust me, I've killed for less - I mean I WOULD kill for less... With that theme in mind, read on to experience what might happen if some of your favorite horror characters found themselves in different genre movies. We're not strictly talking movies like Freddy Vs. Jason either - we're talking if Woody Harrelson's Tallahassee woke up and found himself in George A. Romero's Night Of The Living Dead. C'mon, who wouldn't want to see that? A bunch of terrified people who have never seen a zombie before holding up in a farm house - until Woody rolls in with a badass attitude and a killer's mentality. Sure, it'll never happen, but that doesn't mean we can't pretend! Remy - The Exorcist in Monster Squad Okay, hear me out. I don't want the actual exorcist (the priest). I'm not one of those dumbasses who confuses the name of the movie and its charaters. No, I want the possessed little girl from The Exorcist in Monster Squad. Wait, it gets better (or worse if you hate me). My version is quite different from what you are expecting. I don't want Regan (Linda Blair) in her pure evil form as a bad guy, or one of the monsters. No, in my version, she is on the actual squad. Check it. So Regan goes to school with all the kids who are in the Monster Squad, and they hear rumors that she was once possessed. She confesses that she can bring back the demon on command, and now only uses him for good. I know that makes no sense, but that's half the fun about speculating such scenarios. Anyway, her possession could be used for some pretty stellar comic moments. Remember the scene with "Dracula's daughters", when they are chasing after the squad, hissing and shit? In my version, Regan turns around all possessed like, and projectile vomits on them. Cut to the vampires, all freaked out, rightfully turning around and running away. Regan gets back to the squad, who are understandably freaked out, and she says: "That was fun, can we do it again?" Not only it is fun and campy, but no matter what you say, that shit would work. Nato - Burt Gummer (Tremors) In Gremlins Mix and match two of my favorite creature features of all time? Yes, yes I think I will. While Stripe and his gang of mischievous monsters get what's coming to them at the end of Gremlins, let's be honest - Billy Peltzer was kind of a klutz. It took a decent amount of help from Gizmo to even defeat the horde of gremlins attacking Kingston Falls, especially in the final battle with Stripe. This of course is after Billy accidentally exposes Giz to light numerous times and is an all-around terrible Mogwai owner, making Gizmo's heroics even more meaningful. Hell, if I was Giz I'd have turned my back the third time my idiot owner flashed me. With Burt Gummer from Tremors in the picture, none of this would have happened. First of all, his strict mindset would have kept Giz safe, but let's pretend the worst did happen and Burt was left to deal with these hurtful pranksters. Do you think they would have stood a chance? Gummer would have been armed to the teeth, going to war with Stripe's army from the very first instance. Sure, it probably would have ended with an explosion much like Gremlins does, but there'd be a ton more gunfire, little gremlin corpses would be strewn about Kingston Falls, and Gizmo would have reverted to Rambo-mode immediately to help Burt. The streets would run green with gremlin blood, making Burt Gummer the sole savior of Christmas. Remy - Blade in Twilight Do I even need to say anything here? Snipes shows up, and just starts laying waste to the Cullen clan. Don't even give me a plot or anything. Just give me ninety minutes of Blade going back through their entire bloodline and massacring the entire Cullen family. The seriousness of Wesley Snipes would fit PERFECTLY into that super cheesy world where everyone and everything is so emo. Once he gets to Edward is where shit REALLY gets good. I want, and I kid you not, the most brutal and unforgiving death ever put on film to happen to this guy. First, Blade cuts off the top of his head because fuck that kid's hair. Edward starts weeping like a small child, and Blade ends up ripping out his tongue. From there he just chops him down until he is a pile of quivering meat, but Blade never severs his head. The idea here is to bury each one of Edward's body parts a thousand miles apart. You keep him alive and make him suffer for eternity. I know, I am sick. Wait, though, there's more. The twist ending would be that after Blade killed all the vampires, he walks outside, and now he GLITTERS! The movie ends with him falling to his knees and screaming "NOOOOOOOoooooo" at the camera as it pans upwards. You can just mail my screenwriting Oscar right to my house, no worries. Nato - Mia (Evil Dead) In A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors Imagine if Mia from Evil Dead was found and rescued after wandering down a lonesome highway, bloodied and beaten, and gets taken to the same local hospital where the Dream Warriors reside in A Nightmare On Elm Street 3. Now, we all assume after Mia defeats the final demon and the blood rain stops, her curse is lifted - right? Well, what if it wasn't. What if she's still possessed by the Necronomicon, and nobody knows it - even Freddy? My first suggestion is optional, and it could be a fun arc, but only if you're OK with revealing early on that Mia is still possessed. I think it'd be a hell of a lot of fun watching her torment the other patients, blurring the lines on whether she's considered good or evil, making a meeting with Freddy all the more intriguing. Don't let her kill any patients, because that's Freddy's job, but letting her keep the other patients on edge while hinting at her more sinister side seems fitting. Here's where my favorite part comes in though - the inevitable dreamscape meeting between Mia and Freddy. Unknowingly sucking Mia into a nightmare, Freddy thinks he's found another helpless victim, but when Mia's Deadite side comes out, he understands he's dealing with true evil. Sure, he's fought Jason, but the hockey mask wearing killer is nothing more than a brute. Mia's bark is just as bad as her bite, as the two go head to head in the one-liner department. Not only that, but if anyone can get into Freddy's head and rattle the legendary killer, it'd be Mia. Watching this girl emasculate and break Freddy down would be a thing of wonder and awesomeness. Whether she'd actually help the other patients or not I can't decide, because either arc has its benefits. What do you think? Remy - Carrie in The Faculty I will admit, The Faculty is a guilty pleasure of mine. Every time that damned movie is on, I have to watch it. I think it was incredibly well written, I think it was a lot of fun, and I think it had a pretty great cast (more the older than younger). I also liked the B-movie mentality, but imagine, if you would, Carrie White from Carrie as a student in that high school while the extraterrestrial shit was going down? At first, she joins in the group of kids who are trying to stop it. She uses her telekinesis to fuck up the aliens and help the crew figure out who became infected and who isn't - but, we need a twist. The twist would be that at some point, though we are unsure of when, Carrie becomes infected, too. At that point, she is an alien who can use her mind powers to fuck up these kids. So now, not only does this ragtag group of wayward school kids suddenly need to stop an alien invasion, but one of the fucking aliens is a Sith. Okay, okay, that might be a little TOO much, but still, I would watch the shit out of that movie. Nato - The Strangers In The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Alright, with these home invasion movies, you have to assume every once and a while the invaders pick the wrong house. No matter what homework you do, it's a simple numbers game - sometimes the psychopaths have to invade a house full of equally psychotic inhabitants (ala Fresh Meat). Looking at that method though, certain combinations just wouldn't work. Assailants with shotguns aren't fun for true survival situations, as the ammo power gives an unfair advantage, and the home owners who fight back are always more fun to watch with hidden secrets, so with that in mind I came up with a fair compromise - The Strangers invading the home of Leatherface from the original massacre. Think about it - The Strangers walk in with their masks, finding the more helpless Sawyer family members sitting around a table or such. They do their thing, get them tied up, but notice something isn't completely right. The Sawyers aren't very scared, and they start to joke around with The Strangers, eventually hinting that the invaders may have just made a huge mistake. Just then Leatherface busts a door down and takes to The Strangers, who are nothing more than humans with some flimsy weapons. Leatherface is a hulking, chainsaw-wielding badass who can easily take down three people - and the game is on. Looking at the chemistry between hostages and killers, plus the plausibility of escape/death, I believe this would present the best home invasion flub a horror movie could use. Alright, you've heard our ideas, but we'd love to hear yours now! Which horror movies would you mash together given the chance? *A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates: Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro Like what you read? Check out last week's article where we dared one another to watch a random movie on Netflix Watch Instantly blind. Last week I watched The Stuff, and Remy watched Bloody Birthday!

Nato And Remy’s Last Stand: What If Carrie Was In The Faculty? (And Other Mix & Match Horror Fantasies)

Remy – Carrie in The Faculty