Nato And Remy’s Last Stand: First Ever Horror Oscars…I Mean…Igor Awards!

Another year, another Oscar season where I'm helplessly forced to watch my beloved horror genre be pushed to the wayside by snoody Hollywood A-listers who ignore a genre which gave some of them an early shot. So many young aspiring actors with names like George Clooney and Tom Hanks started out with bit parts in horror movies, but now that they're hot-shots, all the fun of horror is ignored? C'mon, I'll give the Best Makeup Oscar winners my respect, but really Les Misérables? Sure, you use some rosy-red rouge or grimy filth to put your characters in perspective, but what about the makeup artists who bring the dead to life, or make us believe someone has just been decapitated!? Where is their award! God bless Spike TV for trying to bring a yearly horror awards show to the fans, introducing the Sci-Fi and Horror themed Scream Awards, but not even the manliest channel on television could do it right. In 2011 alone the biggest winner on the night was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2, Let Me In beat both Insidious AND I Saw The Devil for Best Horror Picture, Paranormal Activity 2 was nominated for Best Horror Picture, and Daniel Craig actually had the chance to win something for his role in Cowboys & Aliens. Yup, I wasn't all that depressed when 2012 rolled around and in a mysterious turn of events the Scream Awards were canceled. So here Remy and I are, with our own little horror column, wondering what to write about the week after horror yet again exists as the biggest Oscar snub of them all (except for Wreck-It Ralph which was 10x better than Brave!!!!) - and thus the Igor Awards are born. Well, born here at least. Universal has the Eyegore Awards during their Halloween Horror Nights, but ours pay tribute to that hunchbacked sidekick who will forever live in infamy. Yes, that technically is an Oscar in the graphic above, but Remy and I haven't come to terms with what the trophy should be yet. Try picturing an Oscar with the head melted down, coloring the drippings red. That's our Igor statue. So please, join Remy and I as we tackle the major Oscar categories but with a horror spin. Tonight is our night ghouls and ghoulettes - let's show a little respect to Hollywood's most terrifying genre. Side note to all winners - don't expect an Igor in the mail or anything, since this is our first year our budget is a little strapped - or nonexistent. Hope bragging rights is OK! Best Director: Panos Cosmatos: Beyond the Black Rainbow Drew Goddard: Cabin in the Woods Richard Bates Jr.: Excision Eduardo Sanchez: Lovely Molly Don Coscarelli: John Dies At The End ...and the Igor goes to: ...Don Coscarelli for making an unfilmable movie not only filmable, but wholly watchable and massively enjoyable. John Dies At The End was a trip in the truest sense of the term, taking us from our living rooms into a world inhabited by strange, fantastic beasts and a soy sauce that will forever change your life. Though we admit we have a real soft spot for some of Coscarelli's previous work (Phantasm for the win) so that did lean us in his favor, but of all the films nominated, this one HAD to be the toughest to direct for how batshit insane it was, and yet somehow, it was batshit insane AND magical, and not many directors could pull that off. Best Actress: AnnaLynn McCord: Excision Gretchen Lodge: Lovely Molly Emily Olson: Silent House Kristen Connolly: Cabin in the Woods Robin McLeavy: The Loved Ones ...and the Igor goes to: AnnaLynn McCord as Pauline in Excision. Though every contender on this list deserves this award for how dark a place they forced themselves to go, we need to give that extra bit of props to the stunning McCord for her unflinching turn as Pauline in Excision. While known ONLY for the 90210 remake prior to this film, she truly lost herself in the creation of Pauline, fully embracing her twisted psyche, and the resulting character we see from that is both cocky AND vulnerable. Broken AND cocksure. It is a polarity most would not be able to pull off, but McCord utterly convinces you that Pauline exists when you sit down to watch this film. And that ending? Jesus, we did not see the genuine emotion of that ending coming, so huge props to AnnaLynn for being willing to uglify herself and her soul for such a demanding part. Best Actor: Michael Fassbender: Prometheus Johnny Lewis: Lovely Molly Franz Kranz: Cabin in the Woods Chase Williamson: John Dies At The End Ethan Hawke: Sinister ...and the Igor goes to: Michael Fassbender in Prometheus Wait, WHAT? Yes, you read that correctly. People can spew all the hate they want towards Prometheus, and how it did not live up to the (unrealistic) expectations that everyone had thrust on it, but Fassbender OWNED his role as the slowly sentient android, David. He was easily the most compelling thing about the film, and he seemed so cold and stoic, much like the two wonderful actors who had played androids in this series before (mainly, Lance Henriksen from Aliens). Fassbender was the glue that held this film together, and kept us fixated on screen from start to finish. While it's true the film took some missteps, it is WAY better than most have made it out to be, and if you look at Prometheus as its own film, and not a new entry in the Alien franchise, it's actually a damn good movie. Some may want to cry foul saying Prometheus is Sci-Fi and not horror, so it shouldn't be included in this list. Those people are wrong. Most WTF!? Kill: Woodchipper: Silent Night Rave Scene: The Collection Pauline's Final Scene: Excision Zombie Horde Decapitation: Juan Of The Dead First Elevator Wave: Cabin In The Woods EXTRA NOMINEE: Sinister Film Kills: Sinister ...and the Igor goes to: First Elevator Wave: Cabin In The Woods We actually hesitated on picking Cabin In The Woods here because article after article we've talked about how epic this horror masterpiece's final act is, but there's a reason why. While almost going with Excision because of the emotional impact, or The Collection out of complete flabbergasting absurdity, Cabin In The Woods still wins by a pretty large margin. Goddard and Whedon go from 0 to 60 in terms of pacing, insanity, creativity, and overwhelming horror entertainment in such a spectacular way, it's impossible not to ignore the hilarious beauty of this killer highlight reel. I mean one minute you've got the dismembering goblins, another cut and you're at a clown, then the scarecrows, merman, giant bat - hell, we even get to watch a unicorn impale someone! There's too much variety in this evil villain grab bag not to enjoy our cornucopia of excitement, winning Cabin In The Woods a much deserved Igor. Best Killer: The Collector: The Collection Santa: Silent Night Succubus: V/H/S Merman: Cabin In The Woods Bughuul: Sinister ...and the Igor goes to: The Collector Bravo to The Collector this year, stepping his game up a long way from his self-titled first film where all he does is booby-trap some quaint suburban home. I mean we knew he was a psychopathic genius, but maniacal enough to booby-trap an entire warehouse?! Every room our characters step into has a new theme and new pressure points which set off catastrophic events, some as simple as a few nails, and others devastating enough to crush you in one quick slam. But ignoring The Collector's Picasso-like trap-making, he's also menacing enough to brainwash victims into staying like the one long-lost girl our rescue team stumbles upon. So not only can he kill you literally 1,001 ways, but he's "persuasive" and "convincing" enough to break people down mentally too. Then we remember his obsession with creating these brand-new creatures out of body limbs and other random organic parts, showcased in these giant glass displays, and The Collector ascends to the level of a horrifying urban legend - one you talk about and fear meeting. The Collector started his story off, The Collection made it epic, and no 2012 baddie outdueled our masked murderer in terms of this Igor. Best Picture: Cabin In The Woods The Loved Ones Detention Sinister John Dies At The End ...and the Igor goes to: Cabin In The Woods Haters needn't start their preaching here, because Cabin In The Woods deserves this Igor 100%. Get out of town with your arguments detailing how this isn't a horror movie. Monsters, murderers, blood, guts, apocalyptic scenarios, sexy coeds, alcohol, bad decisions, A FREAKIN' CABIN IN THE WOODS. I (Nato) was nice about it while writing our other 2012 horror articles, letting the trolls have their fun, but enough is enough. Just because something isn't necessarily "scary" doesn't mean it isn't horror. Look at some of the more classic genre movies in history like Re-Animator or Evil Dead II. Can you argue those two aren't 100% "scary?" Absolutely. Am I saying Cabin In The Woods is the next Evil Dead II? No, well, maybe, I don't know, time will tell. But what I am saying is Cabin In The Woods ferociously dismembered every HORROR movie in the year of 2012 through a showing of alpha-male dominance, and was a surefire winner for the Best Picture Igor. No competition in the least. Remy feels a little stronger about the argument though, stating if you don't think Cabin In The Woods is horror, you're a "kitten raping Nazi." His words, not mine. Hope you enjoyed the first annual Igor Awards! Since this is a growing project, what categories would you like to see next year if Remy and I haven't been axed yet? Were there any snubs in this year's selection process? Hit the comments and let us know! *A special thanks to Remy for stepping in to guest write! Feel free to follow either of us on Twitter for even more insanity and updates: Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb Remy Carreiro Follow @RemyCarreiro Like what you read? Check out last week's article where we take a look at 80s horror films which we ACTUALLY WANT to see remade!