Nato And Remy’s Netflix Dare: The Stuff (1985) Vs. Bloody Birthday (1981)

Bloody Birthday

Wow, first off, how did I miss this movie? I love cheesy 80s horror, and Bloody Birthday falls squarely into that category. Do I even need to mention that the film’s name is an obvious attempt to cash in on the 80’s trend of “holiday themed horror” with Ed Hunt calling his film Bloody Birthday? Keep in mind, there is no actual bloody birthday in the movie. The birthday alludes to the date that the three main kids in the movie are born on – the three main kids who are insane psychopaths for no good reason. More on that soon.

Next up, let’s talk about the 80s boobies. Thank you, Matt, for giving me a movie that had me frolicking through a valley of 80s boobies. Honestly, there were SO MANY 80s boobies and there was SUCH a lack of actual horror, I do genuinely believe the director just wanted to make porn and couldn’t get the backing – so he threw in some creepy kids and made a “horror” movie instead. Seriously, there is some heavy nipple massaging that goes on within the first fucking minute of the story.

Oh, the story? Three kids are born during a freak eclipse, and even though they all seem sweet and nice, they are fucking Charles Manson level insane. No, really, they murder some kids who were having sex in a grave and…wait, did I really just say that? Yes, and it only gets more insane from there.

Also, the sexuality of this film goes from being okay to creepy really quick. How so? How about when the kids pay .25 cents to watch Julie Brown from MTV get naked through a peep hole? Not the DOWNTOWN Julie Brown, the one from the 90s who had red hair. Yes, SHE IS IN THIS – naked most of the time to boot.

Anyway, the kids shoot a ridiculous amount of people. Hell, they even kill their Dad by hitting him with a shovel in the face until he dies, and then they say he “fell.” Keep in mind, these kids continue mercing MAD PEOPLE in this movie, yet, no one EVER questions them, even though it’s blatantly obvious they’re the culprits. They are like three Chucky dolls from Child’s Play (now I know why Matt recommended it to me), but the real kicker with Bloody Birthday is the fact that there’s surprisingly VERY LITTLE blood. The kills are lame (except when Julie Brown gets a fucking arrow to the eye through a peep hole, that was kinda fun) and the movie has very little resolution (though the babysitter DOES lock one of the kids in a trunk, Collector style, so that was cool?), but the most pressing question when this movie ended for me was:

Why the fuck did I just enjoy this?

I mean, I shouldn’t have, and I really did….

So in essence, Bloody Birthday is the old horror film, The Bad Seed, multiplied by three on the crazy scale, but far less chilling. So why did I like it, when, in theory, it is a bad movie? I honestly think that 80s horror films had a real quirky charm to them. Yes, even the bad ones. Bloody Birthday has a great deal of fun with its premise. Three kids born during a freak eclipse are all sociopaths – surprising, right? Granted, the lack of police presence was a bit odd (even for a campy horror movie), and the fact that these kids eventually just restored to pulling out guns and shooting people was kind of weak, but in essence, it had everything I dig about 80s horror films. It had boobs! It had killer kids! Most importantly though, and the real reason I liked it when I probably shouldn’t have – it had fun. I sometimes forget that is one of the best things about watching movies. Thankfully, 80s horror movies are quick to remind me.

Next to movies like The Descent and Se7en, this film is absolute crap – but measured by its own merits, it’s a simple and fun 80s horror film. What else could you ask for from a film titled Bloody Birthday?

3/5

-Remy