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Nato And Remy’s Last Stand: Death Is Such A Cockblock

Everyone knows the unwritten horror rules, and everyone also knows one of the most important rules is avoiding sexual intercourse completely. Why? Because you're just inviting trouble. Just think of all the scenarios you could get yourself caught in. For starters, sneaking away from a group of survivors is about as dumb a move you can make, but then engaging in an act that leaves both you and your partner vulnerable? Yup, you've just made yourself a prime target. Let's take that one step further and pretend you don't know who the killer is - are you really going to risk sleeping the the enemy? Especially when the enemy is killing off his victims one by one? If you want to survive a horror movie, just keep it in your pants, it's that simple!
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Matt Donato
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Published: Jul 24, 2013 10:18 pm

This article is over 11 years old and may contain outdated information

Remy – Jason Hates Sex from Jason Goes to Hell

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You know what I hate? “Oh God, what now Remy.”

I hate when I’m vacationing at camp Crystal Lake, my girl is riding me, and Jason pretty much splits her in half while she is still on top of me. I HATE that! Not so much that I don’t still finish (Oh yea, start up the disgusted looks and disapproving shrugs), but I hate that.

This may be my most hated Friday the 13th (trying to undo a whole series by implying Jason is not a person, but a demon slug? Fuck you!), but that sexual tent scene is Jason’s best sex kill. I mean, people joke about how they want to die during sex, with a smile on their face, but all these movies have taught me that if you die during sex, there will most certainly NOT be a smile on your face. Though Jason has killed MANY during sex, (the shish kabob Nato mentioned eariler), this one was just so graphic that it will forever be stuck in my mind.

(Not a great video, but numbers 5 and 6)

Nato – Ow! Don’t Bite So Hard from American Psycho

You know, it’s one thing to be in the act of lovemaking and have a killer interrupt it, but it’s another thing when you’re boning the killer. I don’t care how studly Christian Bale looked in American Psycho, you knew that impromptu three-way wasn’t going to end well.

In the iconic scene, while one of the prostitutes tries to slip away from Patrick Bateman mid threesome, she starts to notice blood coming through the sheets and screams coming from her partner. In a flurry of insanity, Bateman pops his head up, which has a ring of blood around his mouth, and so the chase beings. As the blonde prostitute discovers another body and runs away, a naked and bloodied Patrick Bateman chases her with a chainsaw. Yeah, let that all sink in. Finally reaching the staircase she’s already halfway done with, Bateman drops the chainsaw down the center of the spiral-ish staircase, striking this poor woman of the night as she reaches the bottom.

I mean, shit. You have to admit that’s some precision aim, no?!

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Image of Matt Donato
Matt Donato
A drinking critic with a movie problem. Foodie. Meatballer. Horror Enthusiast.
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