Nostalgia Sucks: 5 Movies You Loved As A Kid (That Are Actually Terrible)

1) Hook (1991)

What You Thought As A Kid:

A magical, adventurous movie spectacle that might actually be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. It understands that I, too, want to be like Peter Pan and fly off to Neverland and never grow up. The Lost Boys are so cool: I wish I could join them and live in their camp with all those gadgets and that amazing array of food. Oh, gosh, this is a dream come true – can I watch it again, papa?

What’s Really Going On:

Hook is the definite perpetrator of nostaglia-based movie brainwashing and the absolute reason that this article exists in the first place. It’s one of those movies that apparently everybody in the entire world loved as a child (like The Lion King) and continues to embrace with joyful spirit to this very day. Well, not me. I never saw this one as a child and am – in retrospect – overjoyed by the fact that my parents didn’t buy it for me. Those who saw Hook as kids still don’t seem to understand just how bad this movie is no matter what you tell them. If ever I’ve met somebody who watched Hook when they were younger and then voiced my own opinion (it’s seriously poor), they seem utterly shocked. Like, bewildered. They love it. Love it. Why?

Not only is this movie a sentimental, schmalzy mess, it also happens to be the worst film Steven Spielberg has ever made. I’m talking ever. The plot is tied around that of Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie but doesn’t resemble the genuinely magical qualities of that play or the later Disney animated version. The plot (a kind of half-assed twist on the original story) concerns Robin Williams: he used to be Peter Pan but left Neverland and went home and got bored and became a lawyer and now must go back to fight Captain Hook (Dustin Hoffman) who is stirring up some shit.

This was definitely capable of being something special, but it’s as if Spielberg was on autopilot or something during the making of this project: it reeks of a lazy Chris Columbus movie. The script doesn’t help either… though this is a kind of sequel, it’s just the same Peter Pan story all over again. Nothing fresh. Nothing unique. The action scenes are boring; the performances clash awkwardly; the set pieces are lazy; the characters are bland and undeveloped; it’s about 50 minutes too long. And it’s all just horribly kitsch, really, isn’t it?

Spielberg himself said of Hook: “There are parts of Hook I love. I’m really proud of my work right up through Peter being hauled off in the parachute out the window, heading for Neverland.” Even the master can’t excuse the film’s later half, which I sense he knows was well below his usually high standards.

Redeeming Factors: That Dustin Hoffman performance, I guess. Sort of. He’s chewing the hell out of all that theme park-like scenery, though.

Rotten Tomatoes: 29%

What do you think? Any films you loved as a kid but look back on now and realize how bad they are? Let us know in the comments.