Whatever Goes To Hell, Stays In Hell: The 13 Worst Horror Movies Of 2013


Is it really that time of the year? Have we already exhausted 2013’s cinematic catalog for all it’s worth? Wow, I fell like it was only yesterday where I was grumpily counting down my thirteen least favorite horror films of 2012, but apparently since then I’ve seen about 100 more horror movies, and it’s time to embrace the awfulness once again. Well, OK, not so much embrace, but warn you good-hearted readers of the atrocious horror films I forced myself to sit through this year so you don’t have to. I mean, some of you will anyway, or you have, and to you wayward souls I commend your ability to seek out all types of horror films, and I’d also suggest you follow my daily postings as my reviews come out in real time. Save yourself the trouble of purchasing a movie ticket only to be let down by yet another genre clone. I’m here to help, let me be your Sherpa up the blood-soaked mountain that is the horror genre!

On a positive note, 2013 was a mighty year for horror, one of the best in recent memory, so my “Best of the Year” list is going to be an absolute gold mine of recommendable content. But with the good comes the bad, and before I can come to you with smiles and rainbows, I’ve got to wade through the murky bog of terrible, rotten, no-good horror movies not worth an ounce of your effort. These are the horror movies that test your patience, push no boundaries, and flop around lifelessly like a fish out of water, waiting to be rescued by the horror Gods – but salvation never comes. We cry out, we ask for the misery to stop, but these films just never give up, all the way until the bitter, sour end.

My list is pretty varied this year, containing reboots gone awry, sequels that aren’t really sequels, independent films that forget to be creative, mainstream flops, and novel adaptations with the worst of intentions. There wasn’t one finger to point, but multiple fingers pointing in all different directions, including at one of the most iconic horror directors to come out of the Giallo era of Italian horror filmmaking. Don’t define 2013 by these duds, as there are PLENTY of horror movies I’m going to be praising unconditionally, but just do yourself a favor and don’t become another victim claimed by these gruelling headaches.

Alright, enough jabbering, time to start counting down the 13 worst horror movies of 2013!