Whatever Goes To Hell, Stays In Hell: The 13 Worst Horror Movies Of 2013

1) Dracula 3D

Dario Argento made this steaming pile of “cinema.” Honestly, I’m not joking. Let that sink in for a while. Have you had a minute to comprehend such a mind-bending fact? Yes, the man behind Deep Red and Suspiria is responsible for THE worst vampire film I’ve ever seen, and this is coming from someone living through the Twilight dark ages.

There are so many places to start with this one, it’s hard picking just one pain point. Personally, for me, the entire movie is one massive pain point, as I can’t think of a single redeeming factor from Argento’s most phoned-in attempt at genre lore. The 3D looked awful, the special effects were even worse, and Rutger Hauer appeared to be drunk on set in every scene. How anyone could edit this mess together without hitting the delete button is beyond me, subjecting the public to a GIGANTIC blemish on Argento’s coveted resume. Dario Argento – I still can’t get over that.

Alright, let me try to keep my frustrations in order without writing another thousand word essay. Acting? As I already mentioned, Rutger Hauer plays an absolutely out-of-whack Van Helsing character, fighting Thomas Kretschmann’s cartoony Count Dracula, while Dario awkwardly films his daughter Asia Argento in a random nude scene. All the actors here are terribly over-acting (or under-acting, I still can’t tell), taking visible cues from Dario. Then you’ve got a vampire story that reverts to much older mythology, which is enjoyable to some degree – then Dracula turns into a giant Praying Mantis, because that’s what vampires used to be able to do – turn into any creature. Anyway, I use the gigantic bug example because it segways perfectly into my next complaint about CGI graphics that could barely pass for a 90s computer game cut-scene. Bleeding characters saw nothing but pools of pixelated blood underneath them, Dracula’s transformations look like they cost all of $20 to create – the best descriptive word that comes to mind is cheap. In a time when 3D movies can achieve some pretty hypnotic visual spectacles, Dracula 3D is nothing short of embarrassing.

I can’t even anymore. I wrote a full review for a reason, so I really don’t feel like re-living what could possibly be the worst horror film of this decade. If you’re really that interested in a gigantic insect vampire, I encourage you to ready my full review so you’re fully prepared for the traumatizing experience you’re about to partake in.

Dracula 3D is the worst of the worst, that I can promise you. It’s like Argento showed up to the science fair with a cup of dirt, and he’s just looking around at all the other kids with their replica solar systems and their fully-erupting volcanoes – and he didn’t even spell “dirt” right. If you need to see for yourself just what I’m talking about, then check out the trailer below.

Alright horror fans, now is your chance to tell me which of these films you personally enjoyed, and which films I missed that you absolutely despised. I think you can find the comments section from here, no? Feel free to drop me a message on the Twittersphere as well, I’m always down for a discussion!

Matt Donato Follow @DoNatoBomb