8) Embrace Of The Vampire
What year end list of terrible horror movies would be complete without the inevitable vampire remake that I didn’t even know was a remake? Yes, apparently Embrace Of The Vampire already happened years ago with Alyssa Milano as leading lady, but it wasn’t a particularly hearty vampire flick – and neither is its remake. Well, I say remake as in they have the same title, and feature a vampire story in some regard, because thankfully our new films tries to deviate from the already established source material. Unfortunately, by deviating and attempting something now, Carl Bessai takes two steps backwards in the quality department, making a laughably tame movie that momentarily forgets vampires are even involved. Wait, Embrace Of The Vampire isn’t about a confused lesbian dreaming of sexy time?!
Yes, Embrace Of The Vampire doesn’t give us any true vampire action until about ONE HUNDRED minutes in, when our antagonist finally flashes his fangs and gives us a villain worth biting into. Although, by this point it’s all too late, which is a recurring theme amongst my least favorite horror films this year, as we’ve already been tortured by a whiny lead character, gratuitous nudity amongst sexy co-eds, and terrible character work missing even the slightest bit of tension. We’re supposed to be watching a poor girl accept her fate as vampire slayer, or something along those lines, but instead we watch her fall asleep, dream something gross that doesn’t happen in real life, and then we find her waking up in a sleepy haze. That’s about it, and that’s about as exciting as it gets.
Embrace Of The Vampire is more like having your neck gummed by an incredibly hapless vampire for over an hour, only to have it give up and slink back in disgust. At this point, you’d probably even want to be bitten, let down by the promise of vampire action. Too bad I have to save my vampire puns until later in the list, otherwise I’d have a few choice zingers for this waste of genre space.
Published: Dec 26, 2013 03:49 pm