3) It’s Actually Cloverfield 2, BECAUSE WHY THE F*&K NOT
For the record, I don’t believe this one for a second, but why the hell not? Sequels, reboots, and remakes are all the rage, and Cloverfield was a pretty stellar hit – why not recapture the same magic? And by that, I mean cash in on Clover once again.
So, if it’s a direct sequel, attempts to kill Clover have only made it stronger, and the beast now roams America like a gargantuan overlord. Parasites rain down everywhere it walks, littering our land with these evil little buggers whose bites make people explode. Goodman’s bomb shelter keeps him, Winstead, and Gallagher safe, but Winstead starts to go stir crazy. She demands release, thinking Clover either has left the area, or is now far enough away where she can go out and search for other survivors. The world can’t be ending! People will always be the most important beings in the universe! So she escapes.
Upon going outside after 20 minutes of underground fighting with Goodman, she finds a camcorder and brings it to her eye (kicking in found-footage for the rest of the film). From here, she decides to document her findings for scientific research, and states that EVERYTHING MUST BE RECORDED.
She runs away from Clover’s parasites, records Clover in all its towering glory, and runs through the motions of another found-footage monster movie with few new ideas. Hell, she even bumps into Rob and Beth, who, wait for it, SURVIVED THE BOMB BLASTS BECAUSE THE BRIDGE COLLAPSED AROUND THEM OR SOME SHIT. And, during the credits, someone whispers “it’s STILL alive…” even though Clover is once again presumed dead.
Studio execs makes tons of money, and we pack theaters anyway. Everybody wins!
Please don’t let this be right.
