The Top 10 Things I Hate About 2 Guns

[h2]10. God, that title sucks[/h2]

We already went over this, but I just want to reiterate: 2 Guns is such a hilariously awful title that one has to wonder if it was all just some internal studio prank that wound up going way too far.

[h2]9. The plot makes literally no sense [/h2]

I feel like this is the fourth or fifth time this year I have had to complain about action movies with overly complex stories, and it is one of the single oddest trends I have seen in Hollywood as of late. In a fun, guilt-free action movie, what is most important are the characters, humor, and set pieces, and arranging all those elements in a cohesive package that feels seamless and effortless is probably more challenging than most people realize. Accepting that, though, 2 Guns is the latest and most egregious example of a film completely overthinking its primary ambitions, constantly tripping over its own convoluted story as it exhibits tremendous difficulty relaxing into any semblance of character-based fun.

The film starts modestly enough, with Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg, two partners in crime, robbing a bank together. Then there are twenty minutes of flashbacks, explaining that, unbeknownst to the other, each is an undercover agent. Washington works for the DEA and is trying to take down a Mexican drug lord (the DEA would have no jurisdiction in Mexico, but…whatever), while Wahlberg is an NCIS officer doing…something. What his initial mission was never becomes entirely clear, but in any case, he wants to rob an American bank, supposedly to steal money the Mexican drug lord has stored there, and Washington goes along with it because it will somehow help his investigation (I would think stealing a drug lord’s money would run the criminal into hiding, or at least make him aware someone is on to him, but…whatever).

But when Washington and Wahlberg rob the bank, there is a lot more money in the safety deposit box vault than they anticipated – $43 million – and then the plot completely and totally falls apart. I’m serious. I cannot coherently relate to you just about anything that happens from that point on. Wahlberg shoots Washington as part of his orders, though what that master plan was never makes a lick of sense, and then Washington is framed for murder by a CIA agent (Bill Paxton) looking for the stolen money, and then Washington and Wahlberg start working together again to find the money, and then we discover the Navy set Wahlberg up and was trying to steal the money, and then we discover the money was the CIA’s, and then I throw up my hands in defeat because the whole thing is so unbelievably stupid.

Why would the CIA store $43 million of illicitly earned money in a bank? What would Navy intelligence gain by stealing the money? Why do they need to steal money at all? Why does the CIA have all this money in the first place? Where did it come from? What is it for? Do they not have their own funding streams? Why would they store it in a commercial bank? Why is the CIA involved in this at all, when they do not run operations on American soil? How the hell does the drug lord fit into this in a way that makes sense? For that matter, why was Washington ever working with Wahlberg in the first place, if all he was trying to do was catch a drug kingpin? Why do all these agencies magically have jurisdiction in Mexico?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?

The sheer, incredulous complexity of the plotting is not only clunky and obnoxious, but it constantly distracts from what should be the primary appeal of the film: Watching Washington and Wahlberg interact. It actually takes a sizable chunk of time before they have scenes together with any regularity, and even then, the ridiculous plot machinations and overabundance of terrible characters further dilutes whatever chemistry they may have been able to exhibit under better circumstances.

But more on that later. We still have a lot of ground to cover.

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